Sonia Kruger’s Reign of Average: Big Brother Australia 2013 Launch – Blog

Big Brother 2013 Sonia Kruger silver dress

A lot of her energy is focused on her holding her gut in so this piece of shit dress doesn’t make her look like Adele.

This is a pre-emptive apology to all my non-Australian readers:

I will be following Big Brother Australia 2013 aggressively, and this probably (definitely) won’t be the last time you see me post about it.

Also, brace your twitter feeds.

I should probably point out that no, Sonia Kruger is not fat. But that shitty silver dress made her look like a stringed-up ham. It’s sad that the only thing about Gretel Killeen that Sonia is trying to imitate is her appalling fashion sense.

And how is Sonia still hosting this show? Her jokes always fall flat, she does nothing special as a host (apart from some tolerable-but-pointless dancing), and Channel 9 already has Gretel Killeen on the payroll (she does some commentating on their Mornings show, which Sonia hosts. Yes, you should feel disgusted). Just chuck her already and bring back the real thing.

Hosting gripes aside, let’s have a look at our 12 new housemates. In order of appearance:

Mikkayla, 23
Her thing in the video intro was how much she liked to eat. This was cute until Tahan and Tully rocked up to make her look morbidly obese in comparison. She’s also on the Poor Side of the house, so hopefully she can adjust to binge eating only bread. Oh, and she hates vulgar language. Fuck off, cunt.
Prediction: will only be able to survive first 3 evictions because nobody will remember she exists.

Xavier, 27
He’s our blokey, jokey bachelor type. Like Michael from last year, but with hair you wouldn’t be ashamed to be seen with outside of a drag show. He seems funny enough, but is otherwise forgettable. He’s on the Poor Side, too.
Prediction: top 5, but won’t win.

Tahan, 24
Oh, Tahan. She’s the textbook example of But Not Too Black. So Channel 9 can cover their Indigenous quota. She’s hot as fuck, but she’s already being an idiot. She purposely breaks the “do not breach the fence or you could get evicted” rule so she can go in the spa (guess she’s not a fan of the Poor Side). Luckily, she escaped with a slap on the wrist. Her stupidity could be good to watch, though. She’s also one of those “I don’t like girls” girls. Special snowflake alert.
Prediction: she seems ready to do dumb shit for no reason, so she should do well at the Friday Night Games reboot.

Ben, 30
Didn’t we have a 30-something, gay Ben last year? This one replaces 2012 Ben’s cruelty, bullying and hypocrisy with quaintness and sheltered, mummy’s boy creep. Although, he is unemployed, gay, and dateless, so he’s me if I don’t kill myself in 7 years. Get it away from me. He’s on the Rich Side, btw.
Prediction: all the straight guys will pretend to get along with him to be progressive, but will relentlessly nominate him.

Tully, 25
Lipstick lesbian. Hot. In a committed relationship, though, so it might take her a few days longer than it should to try and mack on Tahan. She’s got just the right flavour of hipster for me to love her, but then she had to go and spoil it all by doing something stupid like crying on the first fucking night. The Poor Side can’t be that bad, can it? Also, stupid name.
Prediction: at least one of the straight guys will go for it. Maybe. This is Channel 9’s Big Brother. On Channel 10 they would have already gone through the condom supply.

Tim, 29
A younger, less leathery incarnation of Paul from series 4. He’s entirely in love with himself, so I thought that might mean he doesn’t share Paul’s Pauline Hanson-esque attitude. Alas, Tim is, as a Rich Sider, quite keen to lord his power over the Poors. Rude. He also has a stupid, skeleton onesie for pyjamas. Next.
Prediction: he will get into an argument about boat people.

Sharon, 41
Sharon’s a mum. Her identity barely stretches beyond that. She has a quick snippet about her life as a former police officer-turned-personal trainer, but bitch can’t shutup about her vagina’s achievements. She immediately takes a motherly role towards Ben, who is a big, bald baby. She also admitted in her pre-launch video that she’s only there to win the money.
Prediction: she won’t.

Ed, 26
Most attractive guy face-wise. Is a failed AFL player who now has some suit job for sports management. Seems very Melbourne, upper middle class, inner-city snobby. Apart from his suit, he is otherwise forgettable. He’s on the Rich Side, which he must be thanking God for.
Prediction: he will flirt with Sonia Kruger during one of her crosses, purely to remind us that he isn’t dead.

Matthew, 27
Definitely the weirdest pre-launch intro vid. It starts off as a moody tale about his endurance through the horrors of war, then cuts to his mum saying how much female attention he gets. He’s a former soldier whose most valuable asset are some hawt abs. Sonia was drooling all over him before he got shuttled off to the Poor Side.
Prediction: he will never wear a shirt.

Heidi, 29
She’s the raspy voiced, chilled, cool chick (and a little bit husky). She’s a radio presenter, so hopefully she can be opinionated. But she’s already the leader of the “be nice to the Poors” brigade (she’s on the Rich Side), so bleh. Maybe living with Tim will bring out the spite I know is festering inside the mental scars of her former fatness.
Prediction: will be within first 3 evicted.

Jasmin, 24
The actual black one, with an afro and all. Think Fuzzy from Video Hits, but without any personality. She’s more banal than Mikkayla, which is the only impressive thing about her. She’s on the Rich Side, but will have absolutely no impact on any decisions they make.
Prediction: Like Lisa from series 1, she will coast through until about halfway, then everyone will realise she’s a glorified houseplant and get rid of her.

Caleb, 33
He’s clutching onto his youth harder than Joan Rivers. From a distance he could almost pass for a 28 year old surf bum, but up close, it’s just a big ol’ mess (think an unholy hybrid of Shane Warne and Warwick Capper). He’s on the Poor Side, but that’s where all the kewl kidz are, so it’s a perfect opportunity for him to prove how hip he is. Oh, he already has, by half-arsedly joining Tahan on her hot tub mission. Big Brother took half of his clothes away as punishment. I really hope he kept some shirts.
Prediction: he can hang out with Heidi in the first 3 evictees’ pavillion.

The group doesn’t seem as diverse as last year (Bradley, Michael, Ben, Layla, for example), but it is only the first episode, so I should probably calm the fuck down.

Tomorrow we’re getting some blonde skank (yay!) and a metro doofus coming in and they will have to pretend to be married. Dudes, if the Logan twins couldn’t pull their scheme off, then these 2 don’t have a chance.

And there will be another 2 contestants after that, too. Because more characters = better show, right?


Big Brother Sonia Kruger

A little something for your nightmares.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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