Evil Dead (2013) – Film Review

Evil Dead Jessica Lucas puke vomit blood

Stay strong, Jessica.

Do you want a horror movie that’s so violent that it literally rains blood by the end?

Here you go.

Also, I haven’t seen the original, so I ain’t biased none, yo.

TL;DR Delivering completely on the gore, Evil Dead is an enjoyably violent, sloppy (in a good way) film. If only any of the characters were worth giving even half a fuck about. 4 out of 5 stars.

Dat gore, though.

The plot is The Cabin in the Woods, but the non-parody version. A bunch of 20-somethings go out to a remote cabin to help Mia (not-Emma Stone from Fun Size) get through withdrawal while she quits drugs (I think cocaine? I don’t watch Breaking Bad. I’m not up to speed). Among them are her brother David (one of the guys from Red Riding Hood, and that almost spinoff episode of Gossip Girl), a prosthetic bearded Lou Taylor Pucci, Jessica Lucas, and some blonde bitch (David’s girlfriend). Things are pretty chill until they discover a creepy voodoo basement and an evil book. Demons ensue. Everyone ends up fucked over, killed, and possessed by the demon, until Mia fights back like a boss and chainsaws some demon ass up.

So you can tell by that delightful synopsis and my score of 4 that I had a good time with Evil Dead.

But, and this is my biggest problem with it, there’s so little suspense. The way the characters are attacked and killed by the demons/each other is just so blah. They just stand around, get possessed, something incredibly disgustingly amazingly gory happens, and then they’re dead.

I miss chase scenes. I know they’re more of a slasher trope, but I’m getting tired of just waiting for each pretty young thing to meet their death scene. Final Destination was 13 years ago. Stop it.

Mia’s fight back at the end almost makes up for it.

Why I hate this movie:

Jessica Lucas’ death is the most frustrating. She doesn’t even get a chance to fight back. She just walks into the bathroom, the demon possesses her, then she starts cutting her face off. Lou Taylor Pucci then bashes her head in when she tries to kill him. She was the only actor in the movie I cared about. So disappointing.

The demon also goes after the 3 girls first. Sexist, bro.

David does a lot of fucking around when things start getting serious. Jessica Lucas has already died, and it’s becoming very clear that supernatural shit is happening. But he still tiptoes around the idea of purifying Mia, because she’s his sister and he feels bad. Dude, even if the process kills her (which it almost certainly will), you’ll be saving your life, your girlfriend’s life, and Lou Taylor Pucci’s life. Instead, he just sits back and lets the other 2 die, then immolates himself “heroically.” What a jerk.

Lou Taylor Pucci’s fake beard is truly abhorrent.

The group do a pretty piss-poor job of keeping Mia constrained during the sobriety attempt. She has to jump through no hoops at all to get access to the car keys (and she proceeds to crash and almost die in the woods). And they’ve got a fucking shotgun just chilling out in the open, which, shocker, Mia (although you could pin it on the demon, I’m pretty sure someone going through withdrawal wouldn’t not consider it) uses against them. Retarded.

Also, a ramshackle shitbox of an old, abandoned cabin is probably not the safest environment for a crazed addict going through withdrawal.

The alternate title for this would be “Fast Pan Woods Shot: The Movie.” Totally overused.

Oh, and David picks possibly the worst way ever to have your girlfriend bond with your old friends who she barely knows. Yeah, a withdrawal party is a fucking hoot.

Reasons to watch:

Dat. Violence. It’s Sushi Girl‘s sensibilities applied to a genre that can ratchet it all the way up. Delicious.

The highlight would have to be Mia tearing her own hand off (not cutting. James Franco looks like a pussy compared to this) after Demon Mia rolls a goddamn car on it. It’s her only means of escape, so she rips that shit out. It’s all sinew and juicy. Absolutely disgusting. Absolutely perfect.

Her vertical bisection of Demon Mia with the chainsaw is also pretty fab.

Blonde Girlfriend uses an electric knife (the kind you carve turkeys with) to cut her own arm off to prevent demon infection. It’s her only notable act. Bonus points to David, who later shoots her other arm off when she goes demon mode on LTP.

Demon Mia has a fondness for a Stanley knife (boxcutter, for non-Aussies). She licks and splits her tongue when trying to intimidate Blonde Girlfriend. She also slashes David’s arm with it. It’s fucking brutal.

Jessica Lucas tries to stab LTP in the eyes with a syringe, but his glasses get in the way. Cute.

Demon Mia tries to stab Mia through a wall with a machete at the end. She misses, but nicks her in the thigh, slicing her as the machete is pulled back through the wall. Good god.

After crashing the car, Mia gets caught in a thorn tangle. Demon Mia then attacks her by slipping an eel/tongue/black thing up her vagina. Slippery.

Demon Mia pukes gallons of blood vomit on Jessica Lucas. It’s not 2 Girls 1 Cup, but it’ll do.

Best line goes to Demon Mia, who says this to David: “Why don’t you come down here so I can suck your cock, pretty boy?” Oh, you demons and your incest.

Blonde Girlfriend, once possessed by the demon, attacks the boys with a nail gun. And they don’t hold back with showing it. She has a firm grip on a crowbar, too, which LTP’s hand discovers. Fuck.

It’s raining men(struation)!

Oh, and Mia fucking survives. That’s nice for a change.

Verdict:

If you don’t mind an unambitious plot and stupid characters, this is the gory, schlocky, earnestly abominable horror movie you’ve been waiting for. Still, if you want the better version and are willing to sacrifice some blood, The Cabin in the Woods is where it’s at. 4 out of 5 stars.

Evil Dead bisection split in half

Looks like Kimberly Caldwell has some competition.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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