Happy Endings: In Memoriam – Blog

Happy Endings Alex ribs

“Are you ribbing me?”

It’s official: happiness has been cancelled.

Also, Happy Endings.

You know I watch it but don’t post about it because it’s just too good.

Now I won’t even get the chance.

To do something I wasn’t going to do anyway.

Way to kill my potential, ABC.

Honestly, I think what I really loved about Happy Endings was the frequent selfishness and amorality of all 6 of its main characters. I could really identify with these people. Because they were materialistic, petty bitches.

Just like me.

I’m far too emotional to go on, so I’ll just take this moment to say goodbye to you wonderful losers.

Penny
You were sometimes too cartoonish, and you weren’t as pretty as Alex and Jane. But you did almost get married to that Nick Zano dick, so you must be doing something right. And your mum was awesome.

Max
You got a lot of praise for being a mould-breaking representation of a gay man, but you were still promiscuous, shallow and cruel enough for us to call you one of our own. You were also the lead singer in a Madonna tribute band called Mandonna, and the fact that a show with THAT in it is cancelled is a fucking travesty.

Brad
You were the black one, and I’m glad we were never made to forget it. Happy Endings would go there with the race jokes, but it was so vapid and flippant that nobody was offended. Marvellous. And your hygiene was impeccable. I want to go homewares shopping with you.

Jane
The bitchy one, so obviously you’re dear to me. Not too dissimilar to your Scrubs character (and season 9 wasn’t that bad, you guys), but it’s what you know how to absolutely rock. And those ungrateful turds should have taken your advice more often, because you were right, dammit.

Dave
You’re so pretty. I’m not even kidding. You are a beautiful man. And your vanity, coupled with your constant search for validation, is the most endearing thing ever. You’re also a dude I can count on to get me out of a 5-way jinx. It happens more often than you’d imagine.

Alex
I want to be you. I already mostly am, but I could use the blondeness and ability to eat whatever I want and still stay fuckin’ hot. I’ve loved Elisha Cuthbert ever since House of Wax (which was fucking good, okay?) Your only crime was leaving Dave at the altar, which did occasionally niggle at me. But when you’re as dumb-fabulous as you, anything is forgivable.

At least Happy Endings can rightfully join 30 Rock (at least we got warning with you) in sitcom heaven, where things are only remembered on their good notes.

Now excuse me while I go binge drink myself into oblivion to try and forget this happened.

Happy Endings cancelled

I know I make this hyperbole every time I lose one of my babies, but I do mean it. Muh feels be reals.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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