Hanna Marin: Fashionistard – Blog
You know? As in “fashionista” mixed with “retard.”
Because I’m as classy as a French person, and only twice as rude.
If you’ve been keeping up with my Pretty Little Liars reviews (if you haven’t, then educate yourself, dammit), you’ll know I have a certain something for Hanna’s sartorial choices.
In fact, I include a snapshot of one in every single review.
I do this for 2 reasons: 1) Hanna is my favourite Liar, so it’s nice to guarantee at least one shot of her each episode. And 2) some of the shit they put her in is fucking weird.
Don’t believe me? Let’s take an episode-by-episode look at her style record from season 3:
- Episode 1: Teal front fringe dress? Ew.
- Episode 2: Bird’s nest hair style? Ew.
- Episode 3: Weird hat bubble thing? Ew.
- Episode 4: Whore eyeliner? Ew.
- Episode 5: Boring t-shirt and sweatpants? In-universe ew.
- Episode 6: Tights as pants? Blair-sanctioned ew.
- Episode 7: Pastel on pastel? Ew.
- Episode 8: 80s reject outfit? Ew.
- Episode 9: Dresses sensibly? Pass.
- Episode 10: Puffy jacket thing with frills and a zipper? Ew.
- Episode 11: Peasant skirt? Ew.
- Episode 12: Denim jacket? Ew.
- Episode 13: Marilyn Monroe costume? Pass.
- Episode 14: Shapeless polkadot sack? Ew.
- Episode 15: Saggy tits? Ew.
- Episode 16: Transparent star jumper? Ew.
- Episode 17: Drink-stained white t-shirt? Ew.
- Episode 18: Overalls? Ew.
- Episode 19: Weird preppy print clash? Pass.
- Episode 20: Neon yellow nail polish? Pass.
- Episode 21: Absurd 80s nightmare ensemble? Ew.
- Episode 22: Floppy monstrosity? Ew.
- Episode 23: More tights as pants? Ew.
- Episode 24: Unoffensive pink blouse? Pass.
So if you count that up, that’s 19 Ews to 5 Passes. Yeah, Hanna’s got a problem.
But why did it all go so wrong? The other 3 Liars have such simple and defined styles. Aria’s the alterna-chick (though I don’t miss those fucking coloured hair extensions), Spencer is the prep, and Emily usually wears simple-yet-sexy clothes.
Meanwhile, poor Hanna just seems to have whatever the costuming department couldn’t find a use for just vomited onto her (and occasionally recylced on Revenge). I just wish she’d find some kind of consistency. Even ol’ Serena, while being a hilarious victim of trends, figured out that she always had to pop the tits. Hanna needs to find a unifying theme or accent to inform her outfits. Not just random trash.
Looking back at season 3, I was most alarmed when that 80s influence started creeping in. Yeah, neon nail polish is cute, but collared, white shirts with leather jackets are fucking not. Her episode 21 effort was easily the most WTF of the season.
If I had to choose my favourite, I’d obviously have to go with her Marilyn outfit. Fitted her perfectly. But since every episode isn’t the Halloween special, I think I’ll give praise to her blouse from episode 24. It’s probably the only thing she wore that season that felt unique from the other liars, but wasn’t also a goddamn mess.
Things seem to be looking up, though. As of 2 episodes into season 4, Hanna’s gone 50/50 with her style blunders. Which is why I’m introducing a new feature into my PLL reviews (and retroactively adding it to the previous 2. Because this is the Internet, bitches, and if I can edit my opinion, I damn well will): the Hanna Fashionistard Counter!
That way you won’t have to laboriously go back through every post to keep track of her. Because I just had to do that to write this blog, and it was crap.
I Just Hate Everything: making criticism lazy.
It’s what I’m here for.