Pretty Little Liars Season 4 Episode 1 – TV Review

Pretty Little Liars Season 4 premiere

It’s the season premiere. I had to say it.

EDIT: Say hello to the Hanna Fashionistard Counter! As of this episode: 1 Bleh, 0 Yeah

It’s been only 3ish months, but it’s been far too long.

I really have missed my Hanna fashion disasters. And holy shit, does she bring them this episode.

There’s also some plot or something going on. I don’t know.

TL;DR Surprisingly gasp-free this week. I think we can settle in for the soapiest season yet. But the A stuff is still compelling.

Who hasn’t been A yet?

It’s Liars plot round-up time:

Hanna gets a decent role this episode. She plays nice with Mona so she can get the hard drive from the laptop in Wilden’s car to protect Ashley (side note: Mona took the hard drive out of the car before the girls legged it. Wilden also turns up dead there later. So there you go). Mona sees through the ruse, but gives it to her anyway. There is some forced sentimentality between them. Aww.

Aria shits up the place with yet more Ezra drama (I thought being broken up might cure that. How silly of me). Ezra accepts a permanent position at Rosewood High, which makes Aria’s heart ache. Who gives a fuck?

Emily runs into Jessica Dilaurentis, who has moved back to Rosewood. She also has a cute scene where she and Paige profess their love to each other and they hope to go to Stanford together (I guess all that Danby shit ain’t nothin’ now, huh?).

And Spencer doesn’t actually do anything. She has some fruitless spelunking around the burnt down building with Toby (and they are very much back on and in love), then disappears until she finds a phone in Wilden’s coffin.

Mona is also on the Liars’ side now, but you know how much that is worth.

My only significant complaint with this episode is that it was underwhelming. The only really shocking thing was Wilden’s death, but it came so far out of nowhere that I couldn’t care for it.

Also, so what? He was annoying and had been a total red herring for ages. And now A has the Liars at their mercy because they can make it look like they killed him? Ugh.

Why I hate this episode:

And the Liars are surprised that A has video of them poking around Wilden’s car. Fucking duh. Have you not been paying attention to your own lives for the past 3 seasons?

And and, the boot reveal turned out to just be a dead pig. Lame.

I can’t believe they’re still, after all this time, milking the Aria/Ezra situation. Now we’re back to Aria being worried about people (in this case, Rosewood High’s Vice Principal) finding out about them. Aria even has a full-blown Breaking Dawn Part 2 moment when she imagines the secret getting out and Ezra getting arrested. Don’t fuckin’ tease me, cunt.

She’s also momentarily selfish. She’s all “me being comfortable for a few months before graduation is more important than his long term career stability WAAHHH.” She kinda comes around, but kinda doesn’t. I mean, this is Aria. Making a sensible choice is not in her repertoire.

There’s some shit about Toby’s mum (his original mum who died before the series began, not his stepmother from Jenna). Toby steals Mona’s lair RV (which is full of incriminating shit for Mona and pretty much everyone) to exchange with A for information. Dick.

There’s a flashback where we see his mum, and in it Alison is flirting with Toby inside his house. What? When does this take place. Huh? (Am I missing something? Like, let me know if I am)

Wilden’s funeral is big and heroic for someone who was a jerk to everybody. I didn’t believe it. There’s fucking news coverage and everything.

Oh, and Hanna thinks Ashley might be A’s new target (they find a missed call from “Kisses,” which is A’s new sign-off, on Wilden’s phone. They call the number back and it’s Ashley’s phone, which Hanna has while Ashley’s on her business trip). Bitch, you best not be messin’ with mah Ashley.

Reasons to watch:

But hey, at least Ashley might have a role more important than “dating that sleazy guy who Ella also kinda dated.” It’s about time. Lasagna money was so long ago.

We get some fresh answers, courtesy of Mona. The biggest would be the confirmation of the male and female villains who boxed up Aria on the Halloween train. A video reveals that Wilden was the male, and it cuts off just before we see the female (because Mona’s computer is remote hacked and fucked over), but Mona says it was Melissa. I’d believe it.

Mona also says that Shana and Jenna are afraid of Melissa. I’d believe it.

And Mona isn’t the one who pushed Ian off the bell tower. Hmm.

Speaking of Jenna, Emily notices that she has a burn on her hand. Add that bitch to the Red Coat suspect list.

Mona seems sincere (finally) in her attempts to get back with the Liars. At the very least, A’s video of them snooping around Wilden’s car shows Mona hopping into the thing (invalidating the Liars’ earlier concerns that Mona put on gloves so she wouldn’t leave fingerprints. Girl is on tape. That’s even better). And I do miss pre-A Mona. She was so sassy, with just the right amount of pent up despair.

Mama Dilaurentis is Lydia from one of my past, beloved sitcoms: Less Than Perfect. Yes, I’m old. And they didn’t recast her from her earlier feature episode like they did with Jason (Jessica Dilaurentis was in the fashion show episode).

Jason is still “away,” btw.

The Liars (+Mona) encounter a bunch of girls in the trailer park playground who have dolls named after and resembling our fabulous 5. They said Mona’s friend “Alison” gave them to them. Ooh.

The Aria horror fantasy was absurdly satisfying. Up until it was revealed to be a fake out.

Best line goes to Emily, who is the least willing to be civil with Mona: “I think you’re lucky that we’re not beating the crap outta you.” I wouldn’t have minded either way.

There’s a new cop in town who is handsome and used to be in TVD.

The funeral is an homage to Alison’s funeral from the pilot.

Hanna’s dress and hair for the funeral are incredible.

Oh, and in contrast, Hanna makes multiple fashion abominations come to life this episode (I’m finally home). She wears some metallic red tights as pants. Bitch, you shouldn’t be borrowing wardrobe from Aria (who at least had the sense to not wear them as pants. Because tights are not pants). And she wears this fuckin’, like, I don’t even know what to call it. Is it a headband? Is it a fringe hair extension? What the fuck is happening in the world?

Pretty Little Liars Hanna forehead accessory

I don’t know, Han. I just…I just don’t know.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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