Game of Thrones Season 3 – Season Review

Game of Thrones season 3 Tyrion wine drinking

Tyrion gets it.

I’d just like to point out how fucking disappointing the season finale was (just watched it, so my groaning is fresh).

Talk about some boring epilogue shit. Fucking American Horror Story season 2 would snigger at that. And they did it over 2 episodes.

Pathetic.

Otherwise, season 3 was at least a step up from its predecessor.

It’s progress. That’s really the best we can hope for.

TL;DR More focused than season 2, but leaning on the “annoying, slow, incremental” side of soap operatics, season 3 is mostly incidental. Some decent main character deaths kept things lively by the end, but otherwise it’s more of the same.

And Daenerys still (STILL) isn’t back in Westeros.

Still.

The major plot arc has kinda moved on from the king scramble of season 2. It’s pretty much just a lot of people travelling everywhere, while a contingent of characters live out Keeping Up With The Lannisters in King’s Landing. Subplots include: Tywin laying down the law on his kids, forcing Tyrion to marry Sansa and Cersei to marry Loras (which hasn’t come to fruition yet); Arya doing absolutely nothing; Jon rolling around with and eventually betraying some Wildlings; Robb doing absolutely nothing (except get murdered); Sam encountering a White Walker, like, once; Theon having the most protracted torture plot line ever; Stannis and Melisandre fluctuating between blood orgies and pragmatism; the Night’s Watch doing absolutely nothing and then getting slaughtered while out past the wall; the White Walkers not doing fucking anything despite last season’s ending; Jaime bonding with Brienne and getting his hand chopped off; Joffrey evolving into a sexually murderous cunt (instead of just an ordinary cunt); Bran being psychic or something (but otherwise doing absolutely nothing); and Daenerys surprisingly avoiding death by blood loss from all the bleeding heart shit she’s pulling.

She also needs to invest in some more dresses. How am I supposed to take you seriously if you wear the same old thing every episode?

While I watched season 1 and 2 over short periods of time, season 3 is the first time I’ve actually done the proper week-to-week thing with Game of Thrones. And it didn’t help. All I come away with after watching this show is the fact that nothing is happening.

Just look at Bran’s story. He finds out he has goddamn magic powers (he can possess animals, even humans), and he encounters 2 new characters (one of whom is a fellow psychic). Yet he does literally nothing the entire season.

Game of Thrones only gets 10 episodes a season. Look how much American Horror Story got through with its 13 episode order. Hell, even Bates Motel isn’t as stagnant as this.

As someone who hasn’t read the books, I guess I can only, again, chalk this up to the adaptation trying to be too faithful and stick to the pace that’s been set. But this is a 10 episode TV show. Things need to happen faster.

Legit soap operas can get away with it because they need to fill up to an hour of screentime 5 days a week. Hurry the fuck up, GoT.

Why I hate this season:

And on the rare occasion where Game of Thrones gets it (almost) right, the fans chuck a shit fit and threaten to stop watching. I’d feel bad for the show if it wasn’t on HBO.

The “almost” qualifier above refers to, of course, the wedding episode where Robb, his wife and his mum get cut the fuck up. Yeah, it was pretty shocking. But then you remember that they’ve been pushed out of focus severely for the whole season. It’s bad enough that I probably wouldn’t care about the deaths of most of the characters on this show because their stories move so glacially, but then they expect us to give a damn about fucking Robb? And his mum? Who cares?

I also wasn’t really surprised that ol’ Walder did it. Robb totally fucked him out of the deal they made because he wanted to get his dick wet in that hot nurse. Can you be shocked that Walder was pissed off that you cut him out of the potential royal fucking family? You’re an idiot, Robb. You won’t be missed.

Speaking of Robb, Other Robb (aka Theon) had the worst subplot out of everyone. All he does all season is get intermittently tortured. In the final episode, it’s revealed that the torture is supposed to motivate Theon’s dad to fuck off outta the North, but Theon’s dad doesn’t even give a shit. Yeah, his sister gets all uppity and musters a pack of murderers or some shit to go get him. But, like really? For Theon? He doesn’t even have his dick anymore, and apart from some child murder, that was the only thing interesting about him. Next.

Tyrion continues to be unblemishably pure. He won’t even think of touching poor Sansa. I’m over it.

Jon doesn’t do anything worthwhile. He betrays the Wildlings, which is a surprise to only them. Pfft. And they climb the Wall (in an episode titled The Climb. Miley’s version was better), which looks retarded. And is apparently really easy.

The White Walkers are still not around. After we saw them heading directly for the Wall in last season’s finale. Jesus.

Oh, and Daenerys continues to have her victories handed to her. And her obsessive need to free slaves is annoying. Just get to Westeros already, you slack bitch. They have dress shops.

Reasons to watch:

The scope has been reined in a bit from season 2. While I liked the grandness of the scale, a more defined plot doesn’t hurt at all. At least for the most part we know exactly who is who, what they’re doing, and why.

The best subplot of the season would have to be Jaime and Brienne’s. As much as I generally prefer the sniping in King’s Landing, this subplot was the one I cared about the most. Jaime shows some vulnerability, and he saves Brienne from a bear ffs. They care about each other. It’s sweet. The hand-chopping was fun, also.

As cuntish as Joffrey is, it’s gotten to such a cartoonish level that I actually look forward to it now. Top points for when he removes Tyrion’s step from his wedding, thus making it awkward for him to put the mantle on Sansa. Keep rocking, you fabulous biatch (though I didn’t like when you killed the red haired prostitute. Not cool).

Cersei and Tyrion’s relationship continues to be antagonistic, but built on a foundation of genuine understanding. They can spit fire at each other, but do so while happily staying in each other’s presence. Their mutual unhappiness with Tywin’s wedding arrangements solidifies their bond.

Tywin himself continues to be practical. Yeah, he’s a rude dick. But he’s always got a point.

My favourite new character is Grandma Tyrell. You bitter old queen. So like me.

Melisandre shows some humanity. She’s still a hellbent sorcerer freak show, though.

Magic takes a few more steps this season. There’s Bran and his friend’s psychic powers, and Daenerys uses her dragons to fuck up some slave traders. Melisandre uses leeches or something to secure Robb’s fate. And the Lord of Light seems to be able to resurrect the dead (one guy Arya encounters has been saved several times). Cute.

The wedding massacre was hilarious. At least Mama Stark got to cut a bitch’s throat.

Best line goes to Tyrion: “It’s not easy being drunk all the time.” Ikr.

We get to see Gwen from Dowton Abbey naked. That’s cool.

Oh, and near the end Sam brings news of the White Walkers back to the Night’s Watch, who send out ravens. Stannis and Melisandre want to answer the call, so maybe we’ll see them in action next season. But we have been fooled before.

Game of Thrones season 3 Cat Stark scream

If you can slit Mama Stark’s throat, you can show us some goddamn zombies.

 

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

6 responses to “Game of Thrones Season 3 – Season Review”

  1. Amadan says :

    hi, i’m a new fan of yours, i only wanted to say something…
    daenarys is not yet in westeros even in the book, we may think she has a powerful army now, but she needs her dragon to be grown up before she can even try to take over westeros (i agree with you on her dress code though).
    in the books the victory daenarys gets are not really handed but earned, i’m so pissed it doesn’t look like that in the show, she is a fabulous bitch queen when she uses her brain!
    i love the old queen as much as i love you… you got me there!

    reguards!
    Amadan

  2. Ellen says :

    Are you shitting on Tyrion because he decides to not have sex with a 14 year old girl? I sure hope you are not serious about that, it’s sometimes hard to tell with you…

    • ijusthateeverything says :

      It’s not so much that he wouldn’t commit paedophilia (which is socially acceptable in Game of Thrones’ universe), but that he’s such a creators’ pet that he is too pure to even deign to consider such a thing.

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