5 Second Films: “Pay for our movie so we don’t have to.” – Blog

5 Second Films Kickstarter

Nope, my bad. I am.

I’ll preface this by saying that I have been a loyal 5SF fan ever since I got my first iPhone back in late 2010 and discovered the joy of watching YouTube in bed.

Despite some banality, which isn’t surprising considering they’ve literally posted a video every weekday for 5 years, they do a pretty good job. No hate (irony. Because I’m awful).

What I’m not too keen on is this Kickstarter they’re doing to fund a feature film.

Here’s why.

The movie is called Dude Bro Party Massacre 3, and is an homage/affectionate parody of 80s slasher films. Just fyi.

My knee-jerk reaction to this comes pretty much from their own words in the campaign video. They go on about how dedicated and hardworking they are. How experienced their team is. How they’ve been featured on Internet and real TV shows for their work. How many of them have managed to make proper work outside of 5SF before. Basically they start off by telling us that yes, they are super legit and are making things happen.

Then why do you need to beg for money?

I don’t have access to their financials, but when they go to such pains to tell us how professional they are, it makes me concerned that they felt they needed to turn to crowdfunding to make their movie. It’s very Zach Braff.

If you didn’t know, Zach Braff got a movie of his own recently funded via Kickstarter. Everyone had a whinge about how he could have afforded to fund it himself if he really wanted to (he wanted to go against studio funding so his precious baby of a movie wouldn’t be tainted by executive meddling. Noble, but selfish), and Zach had a bit of a whinge of his own about how he’s not so rich and his artistic integrity blah blah blah.

I agree with the critics on that one. His whole “I want final cut” thing reeks of egomania. And I haven’t seen Garden State, but I had, like, a friend who saw it, and they said it was a bit hipstery and pretentious. So it wouldn’t fit me at all.

“But hey,” you might be saying, “you supported the Veronica Mars Kickstarter, you hypocritical cunt suitcase.” Yes I did. But that was different. Firstly, I fucking love Veronica Mars, and haters be damned. But more importantly, the studios had explicity said “no” to funding that shit. Rob Thomas did the Kickstarter as a last ditch effort, and it worked.

5SF’s approach seems a lot more Braff than Mars. Maybe if they’d told us they’d spent 6 years trying and this was their only hope (a la Rob Thomas), then I’d care a bit more. But as it stands, it looks like they’re just after a handout. You can see this in the section of the page “Seems like you’ve got this handled…So what do you need me for?” They don’t explain any proper reasons for why they need our money. They just want us to pay for all their shit so they can “…make this dream a reality, and will keep the creative control where it belongs: WITH US.” Ooh, did you just get Braff-chills, too?

And they mope about how they’re so dedicated to keeping their film-a-weekday schedule up that it’ll cut into their time. Boo hoo.

In brief: don’t tell me about how fucking amazingly professional you are, and then reach for my wallet because you’re apparently not legit enough to make a movie without charity.

I would totally watch the movie, though. Dem moobs.

And hey, at least they’re not Anita Sarkeesian.

Anita Sarkeesian terrible

Is it lonely up there?

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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