Apartment 1303 3D – CBF Review

Apartment 1303 Mischa Barton

Me too.

I don’t think a CBF Review has ever been so appropriate.

Apartment 1303 is so hollow that I seriously wouldn’t have had anything to say about it in a full-length post.

You know what, I’m just glad that I finally got a couple of stinkers after the recent endless love-in.

Oh, and I didn’t see it in 3D (a habit of mine), but this version‘s title has it slapped to differentiate it from the Japanese original. Facts are fun.

The plot is about some haunted apartment. Mischa Barton’s little sister goes to live there but is killed by a bitchy ghost. So Mischa goes to stay there or something to find out wassup. She is aided by her sister’s boyfriend, but hindered by her alcoholic mother (Rebecca De Mornay). Several badly paced scenes later, and the ghost kills the boyfriend and causes Mischa to kill Rebecca, thus making it look like Mischa is a crazy bitch and get arrested. That’s it.

I hate this movie because it’s fuckin’ slow and boring as shit; Mischa Barton is terrible in it (I know The OC was a long time ago, but I don’t remember her being that bad. It’s like she doesn’t even know what emotions are here. She calls the police after getting attacked by the ghost and says “I’m really scared for my life.” Really, bitch? Because it sure as fuck doesn’t sound like it); and Rebecca De Mornay is criminally underused (Mother’s Day was a bit hit and miss, but if you want a low-profile, recent-ish horror movie with the De-Morn, go watch that instead).

You should watch because Rebecca De Mornay is still fabulous (and drunk) as fuck; Mischa Barton looks cute; and the boyfriend has some chiselled-ass abs.

Verdict: 1 out of 5 stars.

It’s emptier than Rebecca De Mornay’s character’s glass.

Apartment 1303 Rebecca De Mornay martini

Legacy actresses in subpar horror movies sure know how to stay sauced. My idols.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

7 responses to “Apartment 1303 3D – CBF Review”

  1. Anthony says :

    Marry me !!!!

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