CBF Review: Movie 43

Movie 43 Josh Duhamel

No matter how low your expectations, this will happen.

I don’t even want to give Movie 43 any time.

I know something this bad would be perfect for a review blog titled I Just Hate Everything, but this “movie” is just so empty and devoid of value that even I can’t be fucked talking about it.

Yes, it’s that bad. In case you were wondering.

I watched the non-American version, which had the framing device of some teenage boys trying to locate a fake (but not fake) Movie 43 to distract a red-headed kid long enough for them to put viruses on his laptop via disreputable porn sites. Riveting. The short films play out as other “movies” they come across while trying to find Movie 43. Blah blah blah the world ends. Nothing of value is lost.

I hate this movie because the only reason I sat through it (and at 98 minutes, it felt more like 3 hours) was because of the high profile actors (who didn’t even get paid. The movie had a $6 million budget. WHY ARE ANY OF YOU HERE?), all of the jokes feel about 10 years too late (there’s an iPod ad parody, which expands into its own segment. Omg, so relevant), and Chloe Moretz is in it. Because I didn’t have enough reasons to hate it already (and her segment involves everyone freaking the fuck out over a girl having a period. What is this, Carrie? Oh, she’s ruining that, too, btw).

You should watch because it’s kind of mesmerising to see this procession of worthwhile actors (sans Moretz) putting themselves through this absolute garbage (at least Kate Bosworth needed the work. Desperately. What’s the excuse for the rest of you?), the Superhero dating segment was almost tolerable (mostly due to Kristen Bell looking amazing), and Halle Berry blows out the birthday cake candles of a blind kid during an escalating prank war. It’s amusing.

Verdict: 1 out of 5 stars.

Is anybody involved in this (literally anybody. I’m talking backstage crew, PR. Anything) proud of it?

Movie 43 Chloe Moretz

Not even Chloe? There is no greater insult.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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