TV Review: Once Upon a Time Season 2 Episode 19

Once Upon a Time Regina magic bean

“Henry HATES eating his greens.”

Why would they make us wait so many weeks between episodes of Once Upon a Time?

Like, seriously, ABC.

You can pull that crap with Shit-venge, but don’t go messin’ with mah Regina time.

Bitch.

TL;DR It’s a Gold n’ Belle episode. We do get to see both the upliftingly bright side of their relationship, and a dark new turn. And Regina just rolls around Storybrooke being a swarthy boss.

It’s what we should all aspire to.

Okay, plot time. In present day Storybrooke Gold finds himself having to play nice with everyone to secure the trust of his son and grandson (Henry. Ew). Regina strolls by and fucks shit up when she jogs Belle’s memory…with her cursed memory. Enter Lacey: a skanky, vulgar pool hustler. Gold (with the help of David. Again, ew) figures true love’s kiss will break the spell. Unfortunately, Lacey likes bad boys. It’s a good thing Gold is so good at being bad. Meanwhile, Regina finds the bean farm thing that Hurley has been working on. Back in fairy tale land, Belle is in her stint with Rumple. A rugged thief breaks into the castle (later revealed to be Robin Hood), who Rumple plans on horribly torturing and killing. Belle eventually makes him come around to the side of mercy. Aww.

It’s a modest but fine return for Once Upon a Time.

The Rumple/Belle stuff seems pretty redundant, though. And the timing is confusing, because we already saw Belle falling in love with Rumple back in season 1. Does the stuff from this episode take place before or after that? It has been a while since I watched season 1, so if any Once-o-philes who have their facts straight could help me out, please fucking do.

I’m sick of being wrong. Strangers on the Internet will judge me.

Why I hate this episode:

The security for the bean farm is absurdly lax. It’s literally just an invisibility cloak. The exact same kind of cloak that Regina is familiar with. Oops.

The Robin Hood name drop was so obvious from a long way away. He’s a thief with a bow. You don’t need to tease us with it, ABC. We get it.

Why do none of the other residents of Storybrooke seem bothered by the fact that Belle is now calling herself Lacey and dressing like a hooker? They’ve all got their memories back. Shouldn’t they know something is wrong?

Snow has relented on David’s insistence that they all return to the Enchanted Forest. She’s doing it to fix the darkness in her heart. Pfft, excuses. Stand up for yourself, woman.

Rumple has Robin Hood strung up in a torture chamber. He comes out wearing a bloody apron and tells Belle he needs a clean one, implying that he’s bloodied a lot of aprons doing this. Then when Belle goes to rescue Robin, he’s got barely a trickle of blood on him and is quite easily able to hoof it outta there. Disappointing.

Gold goes to fucking David for help in wooing Lacey. David even wingmans for him at a bar. It’s embarrassing.

Emma does a terrible job of keeping the bean farm a secret from Regina. She might as well have yelled into her face “WE’RE DOING SOMETHING SUSPICIOUS. TOTALLY DON’T FOLLOW US AROUND AND FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS.”

Oh, and the episode starts off with Gold dreaming about using a magic wand to turn Henry into a ceramic figure, then smashing the fuck out of him. The fact that it wasn’t real is the most rage-inducing thing this side of Anita Sarkeesian.

Reasons to watch:

But hey, at least we get to see it happen, even if it is only a dream. It’s always a step closer to the real thing.

There’s a minor subplot involving Driver and Tamara’s dastardly deeds. They say they have a “package” arriving in town. At the end of the episode, we find out that it’s Hook (at least someone brought him back from New York). Well, he does have pawn experience.

Lacey is my kind of girl. During her dinner date with Gold, she orders a whole bottle of wine for herself. When Gold pours her a little (you know how people in restaurants pour you, like, nothing? He does that), she quickly tops up her glass to almost overflowing. I’d do it.

She then ditches the date to go hook up with the Sheriff of Nottingham in an alley. You gotta admire her tenacity.

Finally, to complete the dirty girl transformation, she stumbles upon Gold as he’s giving a beat-down (including tongue ripping) to Nottingham. At first she seems horrified, but we soon discover she’s basically squirting (see below) from it. Gold is more than happy to oblige. Hopefully Baelfire and Henry don’t find out.

Gold clues in Regina as to Henry’s parentage (and grandparentage). Regina then remarks that Gold is the one who found Henry to adopt in the first place. Did Gold know all along?

Emma isn’t too keen on returning to the Enchanted Forest. Now don’t flake like your goddamn mother did.

Best line of the episode goes to Rumple. During his hunt for the escaped Robin, Belle tries to convince him that deep in his heart he must care about something: “You’re right. There is something I love… My things!” Me too!

Seconds best line goes to Granny when she sees Belle’s new, skankalicious clothes: “What the hell happened to you? Did you raid the back of Ruby’s closets?” Grandma burn.

Gold finds himself unable to retaliate against Regina due to his mission to stay in Baelfire and Henry’s good graces. At the end of the episode it appear that he’s not so concerned about that anymore. Showdown pending?

The name “Lacey” reminds me of this.

Gold tells David that he will owe him a favour for the wingmanning. Intrigue.

Nottingham is Jack from All Saints. Australian medical drama represent. He, like Emilie de Ravin, gets to keep his Aussie accent, too.

Oh, and in fairy tale land, Nottingham tries to bargain sex with Belle in exchange for info on Robin. Gosh, ABC. You’re almost risque. I love it.

Once Upon a Time Lacey Belle

Sploosh.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

6 responses to “TV Review: Once Upon a Time Season 2 Episode 19”

  1. Teylen says :

    Not sure if I count as Once-o-phile but I think they just got it wrong. When the Belle x Rumpel plot is introduced one of her first actions is to pull those curtains down. Like to lighten up the dark one @.@
    In this episode the first scene outside her cell takes place in the nice bright room. So they should have been love birds already.

    Bout the residents and Belle. Maybe they are just happy that she’s back to being an easy pick up. Fill her in the bar, screw around Grannys. (Extra eww for choosing Grannys)

    Totes Ack on Emma. E: “Make your time with Henry, for it might be short” R: “Whut?” E: “Nevermind, nothing strange happening..”

    • ijusthateeverything says :

      I thought so. I think it was just a mistake. Someone else was telling me that this episode is meant to come before their original love birds episode. Looks like the set designers must have just forgotten about the curtains.

      And I’m with you on the “choosing Granny’s for a date.” Although there probably isn’t much choice for restaurants in Storybrooke.

      Thanks for helping me out, baby!

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