Film Review: Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines

Wrong Turn 5 eyes gouged out bandaged

It’s better this way.

From the rather excellent horror sequel I posted about yesterday, now we come to one that is the opposite.

This one doesn’t even have a “wrong turn” in it.

That’s the level of laziness here.

TL;DR It’s Wrong Turn 5. What did you expect? Some surprisingly competent practical effects just keep it shy of the “don’t even bother” pile. 2 out of 5 stars.

Smiley’s loneliness deepens.

Okay, so Wrong Turn 5 is a sequel to Wrong Turn 4, which was a prequel to the other 3. So we’re taking place somewhere between 4 and 1. The “plot” is some stupid shit about a bunch of college kids going to a music festival in a secluded mountain town. Our 3 favourite cannibals, plus a non-inbred leader, wreak gory havoc. Despite the impressive efforts of a fantastic female sheriff, none of our main “characters” make it out alive. Except for the brunette college chick, who is blinded and will be presumably raped later. Cheery.

I’m gonna have to admit that I’m a fanboy of the first 2 Wrong Turn movies. The first one had Eliza “Tru Calling was awesome. Fuck you” Dushku in the lead. And Desmond Harrington (Jack from Gossip Girl), Kevin Zegers (Damien from Gossip Girl), Lindy Booth (Cry Wolf), Jeremy “Clueless” Sisto, and one of the cannibals was the janitor from Urban Legend (one of the only post-Scream slasher movies to do it right). I love me some casting porn.

Wrong Turn 2’s cast wasn’t as fabulous (though Crystal Lowe from FD3 and Black Christmas was excellent), but it was a great, OTT backwoods slasher that knew how to have fun.

The subsequent 3 entries are cheap garbage.

Wrong Turn 5’s biggest flaw is exactly that. They must have slammed their budget into their practical effects and just hoped the writing, acting, direction and set design would just sort itself out.

I’m tired of Wrong Turn’s legacy being fucked over by these cash-in sequels.

Though at this point, nobody’s surprised.

Why I hate this movie:

It seriously looks to be about made-for-TV quality. You can tell a lot of the locations are obvious sets. It just feels artificial and empty. The first Wrong Turn built and blew up a fucking complete cabin. Can you say “not living up?”

The only character I gave even half a damn about was the sheriff. The others weave in and out so erratically that I kept questioning whether the college kids were supposed to be our mains. If you’re gonna be a derivative slasher, at least respect the expectations of the genre. And if they thought they were trying to do something unique or special, then that’s even sadder.

Continuing an annoying trend that started in the 3rd movie, none of our characters make it out alive. The only one that does is Brunette (I CBF’d learning her name), but abduction and impending rape/murder don’t count. The first 2 movies had pairs of characters fighting their way to freedom. I’m sick of slasher movies killing everyone off (and extra demerits for having every villain survive). It makes the entire effort pointless.

The sheriff gets the worst end of this. After being consistent and sensible the whole movie, she ends up strung up and attached to a shotgun taped to her head. To avoid burning to death, she chooses to blow her brains out. Fucking rude.

The premise brings up some weird questions. There’s a music festival in town that apparently rivals Coachella in size. Yet not a single person (tourist or local) happens across the very not-hidden shit going down in the centre of town. Not one. Suspension of disbelief ruined.

The news team (minus the bitchy reporter who cops it first) disappear. Why bother giving them mild stories if they’re just gonna get cut out?

Brunette is convinced by the cannibals’ boss to free him in exchange for her safety. She is then surprised when he stabs her in the eyes. This is an extra insult, because Brunette had earlier proven herself resourceful enough to escape the cannibals. Dumb.

The cannibal makeup gets worse every movie.

Oh, and in a first for the series, there is no actual “wrong turn.” The title does get dropped by a random deputy covering the the festival who asks a partier if she took a “wrong turn.” Weak.

Reasons to watch:

The only interesting thing is the practical effects. There’s a bit of CGI gore and fire thrown around, but otherwise it’s all real, baby.

Most impressively is that there are 2 (count ’em) car crashes. And they look good. Hell, The Hills Have Eyes remake could only afford 1 (and they only had 1 shot at it). I was sincerely shocked.

Almost all of the kills are super fun. Here are the highlights:

Blonde college girl gets stabbed in the gut, then the cannibal pulls her intestines out and tries to make her eat them. Yummy.

Jock college guy gets his legs sledgehammered into mush. Misery it ain’t, but it’s not far off.

The blonde college guy and the nerd-ish college buy get mown over by a bobcat with a swirling blade thing. Bonus points for blondie being buried in the ground with only his head sticking out. And nerdy’s mincing is feet upwards.

The drunk gets put in an empty oil barrel over a fire. Toasty.

The sheriff’s boyfriend gets hooked up to a trap in his car. She opens the door, which causes a blade to slice him from groin to neck. Bonus points for her desperately trying to push his insides back in.

The sheriff’s a female. And good at her job. And not overly girly or overly gruff. Why did you waste your progressive characterisation on this trash, writers?

There’s some tits.

Oh, and to put the “5” in the title screen, they have a shot of the reporter’s severed hand under the “Wrong Turn” text. Get it? Because of the fingers and thumb? Cute.

Verdict:

I would have much rather watched Wrong Turn 2 again. Please don’t let there be a 6 unless they can make it a proper sequel and bring back any of the survivors from the first 2 movies. 2 out of 5 stars.

Wrong Turn 5 eat intestines blonde girl

This is what mediocrity tastes like.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

12 responses to “Film Review: Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines”

  1. Bernard says :

    I’d rather they hadn’t made this sequel at all.Oh God I hate the ending especially the character maynard.

  2. JC says :

    Great thread. I didn’t like this movie either. I was so pissed that those bastards got away with all those horrible things they did to everybody. And I felt so bad for Angela. Poor babe didn’t deserve that nasty death.

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