It’s Not Shit: Bachelorette

Bachelorette Kirsten Dunst Isla Fisher Lizzy Caplan prostitutes

“Um, we’re sluts, actually. Get it right.”

So I’ve gone from barely posting any movie reviews at all to posting 2 It’s Not Shits back-to-back.

And both featuring Rebel Wilson.

It’s a conspiracy.

A conspiracy of decent comedies.

TL;DR All the characters are insufferable bitches. So they’re everything I wanna be. Bitches love bitches. 4 out of 5 stars.

Bitchception.

So the plot is pretty simple. Kirsten Dunst, Lizzy Caplan and Isla Fisher are best friends from high school who are all slutty, coked-out, terrible human beings. Their other friend from high school, Rebel Wilson, announces she’s getting married (before any of them. Duh). Furious jealousy and discontent with life ensues. After the titular bachelorette party goes awry, our 3 “heroines” engage on a quest to make sure Rebel doesn’t find out about the fucking shit they did to her dress. Also, they hook up with guys.

I felt the need to really defend this movie. It got a bit of a rough go, but it’s pretty much the perfect movie for me.

Its greatest asset is the absolute irredeemability of its 3 leads. Even though they end up finding some genuine enjoyment from the wedding at the end, none of them have really learned anything or grown. Lizzy has gotten back together with her ex-boyfriend (Adam Scott), but he’s just as much of a dick as she is. Isla almost died of a drug overdose but is happily guzzling the champagne at the reception. And Kirsten’s controlling, Type-A bitch routine actually saves the day.

See, guys? Being a vapid, selfish cuntbox always pays off.

That’s what I’m banking on, at least.

Why I DON’T hate this movie:

I must praise each of the leads. I must.

Kirsten is easily the best. She is pure selfishness. She’s bossy, demanding and never satisfied. Not only does this make her fun when being bad, but also becomes an asset when working for good. Her single-minded drive to have everything work on the morning of the wedding is beyond impressive. She gets that shit fucking DONE. The best example of this would have to be when she uses her own 2 fingers to make Isla throw up the bottle of pills she took. Not out of concern for her health, but just so the bitch would get the fuck up and dressed already, dammit. Amazing.

Lizzy is the lad-ette, arbitrarily slutty one. She also swears the most, which is just gravy. She gets saddled with the most emotional subplot: an abortion she had as a teenager. Luckily, she and Adam are equally sex-crazed douchebags, so even his expectedly sappy announcement of love for her at the reception comes out mainly as “I want to put my dick in you forever.” Lovely.

Isla is the cocaine-addled ditz. She’s definitely 3rd string (like Karen from Mean Girls), but has her moments. She is the most erratic and fun-loving. And thankfully, due to Isla Fisher’s permanent radiance, her darker moments don’t come off as depressing. Her realisation of her flippance towards sex and drug use is more grounded than saddening.

Rebel does a decent enough job. If you can get past her atrocious American accent, she fills her role adequately. And after playing victim for most of the movie, she does get to call Kirsten a “fucking blonde cunt” at the wedding.

James Marsden gets to play (and very sexily, I might add) against type and be a huge, slutty jerk. I love how Lizzy hammers him in the face with a water jug, then you just see him smiling and laughing, welt and all, at the reception. He just doesn’t give a fuck.

Best line goes to Lizzy, with this fabulously simple voicemail greeting: “Hey, you’ve reached Gena. Eat a dick.” Bonus points because Kirsten hears it during their tiff.

Second best line is shared by Isla and Kirsten, who have differing reactions to entering the strip club:
Isla (sincerely, I might add): “This must be what it feels like to go to the Oscars!”
Kirsten: “Ew, it’s like Iran in here.”
Isla is so coked-out that she’s flattered to be mistaken for a prostitute moments before. Context.

Kirsten’s face when seeing Rebel’s engagement ring is priceless. It’s the face I make when seeing Paul Wesley without his shirt.

James Marsden also gets to drop the C-bomb.

There’s a touching moment where we find out that Kirsten was bulimic in high school, but Rebel covered for her and let everyone think it was her. Aww.

Lola from Gossip Girl is a random skank who sleeps with James.

Kirsten is listed in Lizzy’s phone as “Cuntgina.” I’m gonna use that.

Oh, and Kirsten’s motto for life that she passed onto Rebel in high school is “Fuck everyone.” An important lesson for us all.

Reasons to hate:

Rebel Wilson’s fucking accent. God.

The saga of the dress is kinda random, confusing and pushed out of focus. First, they wake up the dress shop owner to find a different one. When Kirsten nixes that plan, they find out that Isla actually took classes at a fashion school, so they go buy supplies for her to fix it. Then somewhere along the way they decide not to do that anymore, and Lizzy takes it to Adam’s mum who happens to be a talented seamstress. Okay.

Much like Bridesmaids wasn’t really about bridesmaids, Bachelorette isn’t really about a bachelorette party (despite what the poster suggests). There’s a 2 minute scene where they bring in a stripper, but it is over very quickly and the rest of the movie is about the girls trying to fix the dress. Hell, we see more of the bachelor party than the bachelorette.

The parties are the night before the wedding. That’s just silly.

The scene where Lizzy takes the dress to the back room at the strip club doesn’t make much sense. She apparently wanted to dry it under the hand dryer in the strippers’ bathroom, but that seems a bit unnecessary. The scene is only there so we can see the stripper she talks to use the dress as a full body napkin.

I kinda wanted to see Rebel get married in her pyjamas. Would have been so Bogan Pride.

The male stripper scene is woefully short.

Oh, and just before the ceremony, Kirsten comes clean to Rebel about everything they did to the dress. And she’s so ready to get married that she doesn’t really care. So much wasted stress.

Verdict:

Amorality is my fetish, and Bachelorette is probably the most amoral movie I’ve seen in a long time. Possibly ever. I want to go partying with these girls. And drunken, profanity-spewing James Marsden. It’s not shit. 4 out of 5 stars.

Bachelorette Kirsten Dunst Isla Fisher vomit bulimia

“Vomiting out the shame of Spiderman 3 took fucking forever.”

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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