TV Review: The Vampire Diaries Season 4 Episode 18

The Vampire Diaries Katherine Elena kiss

Come on! You’re so close!

Elijah’s back, bitches.

Also, Katherine. And her fabulous heels.

TL;DR The gang thinks they have outsmarted Katherine. They are beautifully humiliated by the baddest bitch on TV. And Elijah looks hot.

Ain’t nobody gon’ outsmart mah Katherine. Dawg.

So the plot finds Elena and Rebekah discovering Katherine in some shitty small town, where she’s apparently compelled every resident. They manage to tie her up long enough for Damon and Stefan to also arrive. Elena goes to meet with “EM” while Damon and Rebekah force the location of the cure out of Katherine. Stefan tails Elena. “EM” turns out to be Elijah, who is having sex with/still in love with Katherine. She is using him to broker a deal with Klaus to exchange the cure for her freedom. Blah blah blah Elijah kidnaps Elena and they bitch at each other, Katherine tricks Damon and Rebekah, Katherine eventually gets the real cure and gives it to Elijah to prove he can trust her. Yeah, right. Meanwhile, Klaus is in pain from a chunk of the invinci-stake that Silas snapped off in him last episode, and Silas’ deception and harrassment via shapeshifting causes him to be sweaty and shirtless. He calls in Caroline to help him through the turmoil. Sexual tension ensues.

Do you think I would have many objections to an episode where Katherine not only makes her proper return (not this cut ‘n run shit), but outwits, outlasts and outplays most of the cast?

Do you?

I don’t, is what I’m saying.

But “not many” doesn’t equal “zero.”

Why I hate this episode:

Elijah is kind of a huge fucking dickhead, pussy-whipped idiot. How he could believe any of Katherine’s shit after all this time is insane.

He also trusts her when she later gives him the “real” cure. Okay. Not.

Damon and Rebekah way too easily fall for Katherine’s “the cure is in this totally conspicuous fish tank full of vervain” act. This is Katherine, you guys. Katherine.

Damon and Stefan have a slap fight about how Damon “let” Rebekah take the “cure.” Shit, Stefan, your brother just got water tortured in a tank of vampire acid. Give him a fucking break. Also, Rebekah is an original, so Damon wouldn’t have been able to stop her anyway. Dick.

Rebekah being crushed by the cure being fake made me sad. Rude.

Elijah disapproves of Rebekah’s desire to be human. Is nobody on this poor girl’s side? Just me?

After bitching out Damon for 3,000 hours about letting Rebekah take the cure, Stefan announces what his plans are when he gets his hands on it: let Elena take it, then leave her life forevar so she can live normally. Jesus fuck, Stefan. We get it. You’re selfless. Stop being such a limp-ass martyr. 4 seasons in and it’s getting old.

Oh, and although it represents a tantalising step in a fun direction, Elena finally lets Damon and Stefan know she’s serious about staying a vampire. By murdering a waitress. She promises that she will keep murdering random people until they back the fuck off. I mean, I love it, but it’s so ridiculously out of character for Elena. At least Stefan’s rippering back in season 3 was under Klaus’ direction.

Also, the whole “my emotions are switched off” thing is inconsistent. Several times over this episode you can see her reacting with emotion. I guess she’s just ruthless and cruel when the plot calls for it.

Reasons to watch:

Luckily, Katherine doesn’t suffer from the same wishy-washiness. She’s a cold cunt to the bone. I don’t believe for a second that she’s honestly trusting Elijah with the cure without it either being another fake, or without another scheme underway. She’s just that good.

Her best interactions this episode are with Rebekah. Because they fucking hate each other. When Elena tells Elijah that Katherine is with Rebekah, he is genuinely worried that Rebekah will just kill her. My 2 favourite bitches together at last.

The best lines of the episode come from Rebekah, who is critiquing Elena’s Katherine disguise: “It’s close. Not quite slutty enough. You need more eyeliner.” Hot.

She also has a pointer for the voice: “Throatier. More mannish.” Does life get better than this?

Katherine makes a snide and valid remark when she realises Elena has come to the dark side. She’s wondering how Stefan and Damon must feel: ‘Their special snowflake of human frailty: gone.” Hey, bitch stole that from me.

Katherine has compelled the townsfolk into remembering her only when she’s directly talking to them. Like Doctor Who’s The Silence. Smart.

Speaking of smart, Caroline gets some points this episode. While digging around in Klaus’ gaping back wound, she barters her assistance with Klaus allowing Tyler to return. Clever girl.

Unfortunately, the deal falls through. But Klaus does remind her that he isn’t out hunting him down, implying that he’s not carrying out the threat to appease Caroline. So much flirting. Klaus and Caroline are pretty much official at this point. That slut.

It also turns out that Klaus’ pain was merely psychosomatic, as a result of Silas’ torture. He and Caroline are rightfully worried about how much power Silas can wield. Me too.

Elena’s incessant nagging about Katherine seems to have gotten through to Elijah. He teams up with Rebekah to take the cure back to Mystic Falls.

Elena’s newfound abitrary-homicide fetish will hopefully yield some tension. Despite how retarded it is.

Elijah is upset that Katherine killed Jeremy. Because he may be a little dim, but he sure is sexy and righteous.

Katherine snaps Elena’s neck. Gorgeous.

Oh, and having Katherine, Rebekah and Evilena at lunch together was almost too much bitch-fab for my cunt lips to handle. Exquisite.

The Vampire Diaries Katherine Rebekah fork

Rebekah forked you. She forked you good.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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