TV Review: Once Upon a Time Season 2 Episode 18
As your now-bleeding eyes can see, present day August/Pinocchio is back, bitches.
And even I’m astonished that they were able to make him even more horrifying than I could imagine.
You’ve obviously been taking tips on vomit-inducing CGI facial effects from Grimm.
TL;DR Baelfire’s fiancé is in town. She’s a homicidal, magic-lusting, Driver-fucking bitch. I love her already. Also, Snow is having some side-effects of her black heart.
She hasn’t grown an afro yet, but it’s just a matter of time. Racial joke!
So there are no fairy tale flashbacks this episode. That’s 2 in a row. I like this change of formula. Anyway, in present day Storybrooke, Snow discovers August hiding out in a trailer in the woods. He’s ashamed of being wooden or some shit. Meanwhile, Baelfire’s fiance’ Tamara comes to town. Though appearing to disbelieve his story about being a legit fairy tale creature, it’s soon revealed that Tamara knows more and is there for a reason. She learns of August’s whereabouts and offers him a cure to his affliction if he fucks off outta Storybrooke. He doesn’t. She kills him. Blue Bitch/Mother Superior saves him by turning him into a real boy again. Our flashback plot takes us to 2011. August begins woodifying, so tracks down a guy in Thailand named The Dragon. He offers a magical cure, but August ain’t got the dough for dat. Luckily, he bumps into Tamara, who does. Before he can take his ill-gotten cure, Tamara takes it back. She also kills The Dragon and reveals that although she’s not a magical creature, she’d sure like some.
Regina also has a minor ongoing slap-fight with Driver, who she recognises as the little boy she tried to abduct in the 80s. She makes threats so he’ll leave, but seeing as his accomplice (the person from his phone) is Tamara, he’s not goin’ anywhere.
The big issue for this episode is a simply mechanical one: the CGI fuckfest of WTF that is Wooden August.
What the fuck were they thinking? He is terrifying.
All the plot and characters and shit aren’t actually that bad this episode, but I cringed every time Wooden August stepped his disgusting ass into frame.
Why I hate this episode:
I’m not kidding. That CGI is unforgivable. I think I would have been less offended if they’d just used a giant puppet. It’s gross.
Driver is a bit of massive dumbass. He tells Regina that the reason he returned is to retrieve his father. Really? After all you’ve seen and experienced from Regina/Storybrooke, you think she kept him alive? You saw her tear a bitch’s fucking heart out last episode. Give it up, dude.
Likewise, Regina isn’t doing much to get rid of him. She just tells him to fuck off, then expects him to do it. Just kill him. Or imprison him. Or something. Be proactive.
August’s encounter with Tamara at the police station is fucking ridiculous. He knows she killed The Dragon, and he knows she’s a ruthless bastard. So he’s 1-on-1 with her, bragging about how she’s not gonna get shit done because he’s gonna warn Emma etc. He is then shocked (ah ha!) when she totally tases him to death.
Also, is a taser really the best weapon to use against a wooden man? And its introduction is strangely specific. Like, couldn’t Tamara have just stabbed or shot The Dragon and August? Poison dart? Anything to prevent the iffy logic of wood conducting electricity. Yes, wood can conduct electricity under the right conditions, but Pokémon has taught me that electricity isn’t effective against plant-based monsters. I had to Google it. Don’t make me work for it, ABC.
The Dragon’s encounter with Tamara is ridiculous for a different reason. She brandishes the taser and makes her intention to kill him clear, then he gets all boasty and begins what appears to be a lenghty transformation sequence. Tamara all but rolls her eyes at the camera before just hitting him with the taser. Duh.
August still wants Emma. Bro, you’re made of wood. There’s only 1 part of your body where that would be a good thing, but you’d still have to worry about splinters. Let it go.
August (as per the exact words of Blue Bitch’s original spell) regresses into wood because he was a bad widdle boy. But if the cosmic balance can interpret his desperate need to save himself as naughty, shouldn’t it also take into account Tamara being much worse, and had his attempt been successful, he would have been thwarting her scheme? Fuck you, cosmos.
Oh, and Emma apologises to Henry and promises to never lie to him again. Ew.
Reasons to watch:
Tamara is my new 2nd favourite character (move over Gold). Nobody will ever displace Regina at number 1, of course.
She’s hot, she’s murderous, she’s selfish. Put a goon sack in her hand and she’ll be everything I aspire to. And she’s black. Because ABC has suddenly remembered that racial diversity exists. For villains.
I appreciated her no nonsense attitude to killing The Dragon and August. Take note, Regina.
And her relationship with Driver means his plot line is finally paying off. Good.
The Dragon and his business of helping magical creatures with magical afflictions, using magic, is proof that magic (that’s a lot of magic) exists outside of Storybrooke. I’m looking forward to finding out how and why.
Also, who is Tamara, and how does she know about/believe in magic?
Snow’s heart seems to be getting blacker. When Geppetto tells her that the wardrobe really could have taken 2, she punches him in the face. She immediately apologises because it was involuntary. Fuck that shit. Get your badness on, gurl.
Best line of the episode goes to Regina, who bumps into Snow at Granny’s diner. She has a recommendation for her: “If I were you, I’d try the fish special. It’s right up your alley: blackened sole.” Meow.
Emma and Tamara’s breakfast with Baelfire is adorably awkward. Henry is super polite, though, so that’s nice for a change.
In order to prove his woodification to a doctor (remember, anyone who doesn’t believe in magic can’t see it), August stabs his leg with a scalpel. If that wasn’t hardcore enough, he rips it off with the tip still in there. No wonder the doctor freaked the fuck out.
Snow accidentally shoots August with an arrow. I lol’d.
Oh, and Tamara purposely pursued a relationship with Baelfire so she could get access to Storybrooke and all its sweet, sweet magic. I really do like this ho.