TV Review: Pretty Little Liars Season 3 Episode 23

Pretty Little Liars Malcolm Aria

Immortal hell beast!

I would have hoped that with only 1 more episode to go for the season, we wouldn’t be subjected to this boring trash.

Yeah, Malcolm gets kidnapped and the Liars raid a morgue, but it’s all so fucking droll.

Obvious padding.

TL;DR Caleb’s daddy drama is back and wastes all of Hanna’s screentime. Malcolm’s kidnapping doesn’t really prove anything. And we still don’t know if Toby died in the woods.

Hurry the fuck up, ABC Family.

Alright, second last time for season 3 plot lines:

Aria is still sooking about Malcolm being around. She is tasked (because she’s obviously fantastic at watching him) with picking him up from karate, but A gets there first and totally kidnaps him. She (A uses Aria’s name to take him from class, so it’s a female) brings him to the circus and, shock horror, buys him an ice-cream. Then Aria tracks him down with no effort and everything is fine. Except Aria is still freaked the fuck out and basically tells Ezra she wants to break up. We hope.

Emily doesn’t do anything. She leads the pack when the Liars (minus Spencer. Duh) infiltrate the morgue, but their efforts are fruitless. She does get info from her mum about a second body being found in the woods, and this one is exactly where Spencer says it should be. We also get a throwaway moment about her getting texts from Shana.

Hanna is caught up again in Jamie’s shit. The church’s bell has been stolen, and Jamie was the last person to see it. Combined with the unlucky dice money, Hanna is convinced he’s guilty. She manages to make Caleb feel the same way and he falls out with his dad. But oops, A texts them just near the end of the episode to reveal that they set the whole thing up. Lol.

And Spencer dicks around at Radley some more. She seems to have embraced her stay there, whether that’s because she actually is a crazy cunt (possible) or just wants to sniff out more deets (probable) is still unknown. She learns through E Lamb that Wren might be behind Mona and Toby’s security privileges during Mona’s stay. She also finds Mona’s sneak-out stash, which includes a visitor’s pass for Cece. Apparently Cece, at Melissa’s request, was trying to help Mona get over Alison’s torment. Because Alison had gotten Cece kicked out of university. Ooh. Spencer also runs into an apparition of Alison, and Veronica Hastings has a flashback to a night where Alison got her ass beat by someone.

It’s a shame that this episode came out so blasé. All the pieces are there, but the delivery is just so “been there, done that.” This is notable in the morgue scene. In season 2 they were super apprehensive about going in there, and even ended up getting punished for it. This time they just blow in like it ain’t no thang. Opening up body bags and shit.

It’s got a very Revenge vibe: solid plot, bland storytelling.

On the other hand, there was a brief moment where I thought A might kill Malcolm. Wouldn’t that have been nice?

Why I hate this episode:

Oh my god, Jamie. Just fuck off. I don’t care if you are innocent. You’re crap. Just go.

His indignation (though proven to be rightful) is a bit rich, too. Yeah, he is innocent, but he’s pretty insensitive to Caleb. At least Caleb does shout him the fuck down for all the years of parentless torment he went through.

I couldn’t give 2 shits about Malcolm. And A doesn’t even do anything. It just spooks Aria a little bit and causes her to reconsider her relationship with Ezra. If A’s plan was to break them up, then it’s pretty stupid. Aria and Ezra’s relationship has been a ceaseless source of ammo for A, and almost every character (apart from Aria. Because she’s as thick as Blake Lively’s fake-ass tits) would agree that their break-up would be beneficial. You best check your logic there, A.

Spencer better hope that all her craziness is in pursuit of information and not genuine. Because if it is, holy shit, I will hate her forever. That level of brattery is a point of no return.

Ezra is apparently okay with Aria having lied to her principal, but he also doesn’t want to hide their relationship. Umm, if you want that job, you kinda have to. Dick.

Maggie apparently is mad about Malcolm’s fall a few episodes ago. Come on Alex Mack, I thought you were cool.

Shana is texting Emily. Nobody cares.

Oh, and Wren is being heavily implicated as involved with Mona/Toby/A’s activities. Although this would make him 1000 times more interesting (and totally Sorority Row-esque), I can’t believe that my darling Wren could be anything other than the perfect English gentleman (well, apart from the infidelity and pseudo paedophilia).

Reasons to watch:

But, you know, this does make Wren 1000 times more interesting.

In addition to now looking like a serious suspect, he also gives out the deets on Cece’s visits to Mona while she was in Radley. The fact that Alison seriously wronged Cece and Cece would take that experience so far as to seek out others Alison had wronged and try to help them is pretty juicy. Also, that Melissa is the one who told Cece about Mona. What is going on?

Hanna is fabulously callous several times this episode. She starts off by brutally refuting Spencer’s claims that she needs to stay in Radley, essentially telling her to wake the fuck up. Then, when the shit with Jamie starts going down, she’s not at all shy about filling Caleb in on how he’s totes guilty. Bonus points for being set up by A.

And she’s a messy roommate while she’s staying with Emily. I love it.

A’s kidnapping of Malcolm is totes scary (at least until it fizzles). Fucking escalation.

Mona’s stash, in addition to Cece’s visitor’s pass, had a nurse’s uniform and fake ID tag with the name “Ali Dee.” You know, because Alison DiLaurentis. Also, Ali Dee reminded me immediately of this wonderful thing.

Best line of the episode goes to Hanna, who gets a bit philosophical while Emily’s prodding around the morgue: “God, this is so wrong. You spend your whole life doing crunches, getting rid of tan lines, not eating that second pudding. And in the end you’re just a stale loaf of bread, lying on a rack.” You know it.

Veronica’s flashback shows Alison sometime before the night she died. She’s returning to Spencer’s after sneaking out on a sleepover. She’s got a split lip (which the apparition confirms was from a fight with a girl) and seems sincerely upset. Intrigue.

The stinger shows “Toby’s” body being wheeled into the morgue, but the tattoo is smudging. Emily’s mum also tells her that the body has suffered significant trauma, which could match up with Jason’s elevator injuries. I got this.

A tells Malcolm their name is Alison. Ooh?

Aria and Ezra might break up. Finally.

Spencer finds Mona’s secret escape route from Radley.

Oh, and Spencer totally accepted Mona’s proposition. She’s part of the A-team now, bitches.

Pretty Little Liars Hanna tights pants

Cute top, though.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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