TV Review: Pretty Little Liars Season 3 Episode 19

Pretty Little Liars shirtless guy

What is this? The CW? Not that I’m complaining.

So after last episode‘s snooze-fest, what can we expect this time?

More EzBro drama? More Spencer moping? More Caleb daddy issues?


But at least someone almost dies in an elevator crash.

TL;DR That someone is Jason. We’ve got confirmation that Alison was with Wilden in Cape May and Cece’s looking more dangerous than ever. Shame about Aria still getting screentime, though.


So let’s see how our plot lines shape up:

Speaking of Aria, she continues to potter around with EzBro. Mummy evilest has found out about his little “stay at big bro’s place” scheme and outs him. With nowhere to go, Aria offers him a place to stay and a face to suck. Slut. He and Aria also do some random photography work for Cece where they accidentally spill wine on a rug. This is apparently a huge plot point.

Hanna hounds Jamie about coming clean to Caleb. After some hesistation, things seems to be going well. Until Hanna gets Jamie a job doing church renovations for Ted and sees evidence of Jamie stealing from the donation box. Ooh.

Spencer is still tweaked over the “Toby being A thing.” Mona compounds her torment by getting her kicked off the Academic Decathlon team. Despite some strip quizzing with buffster up there (see above. Duh), she doesn’t get her spot back. She does show up to the event and choke the shit out of Mona, though. That’s nice.

And Emily floats around being aggressively judgemental of Spencer. She later visits Jason to attempt a backpedal on the “Wilden impregnated/maybe murdered Alison” situation. She and Jason find evidence that Wilden was defs in Cape May with Alison, but Cece was there too (Cece had previously said she didn’t know if Wilden was there). Before they can show anyone the photo proof, the lift they’re in malfunctions. Emily escapes but Jason is caught and it crashes. He survives, then promptly disappears from the hospital.

Ugh, compared to last week, anything would be more exciting. So at least PLL has delivered on that front.

The big downside is the overwhelming focus on the non-essential plot lines. Hanna and Aria’s personal drama plots take up a disgustingly large chunk of the episode. When fucking Emily is going around forming alliances with Jason and hunting down evidence while everyone else does nothing, there’s a problem.

Why I hate this episode:

Emily doesn’t make it completely off the hook, though. Bitch is judgemental as fuck when she walks in on Spencer’s little strip show with Decathlon guy. She makes some speech about how Spencer is going off the rails, then does what any good drama queen attention whore does and plays the whole “I’ve had stuff happen to me, too” card. Her point about Spencer not saying why Toby is gone is valid, but her “concern” is packaged so cuntishly that I couldn’t blame Spencer for being resistant.

Spencer’s no dream, either. For someone who was going around hiring private investigators and shit, her “choke Mona in public” approach to the current situation is bizarre. And ineffective.

So now Aria’s flirting with and kissing EzBro. Kill me.

Hanna needs to leave Caleb’s shit alone and get back to tracking some clues down. FFS.

After Hanna put the doodled-on money into the donation box, it was pathetically obvious that Jamie would end up with it somehow. There was no suspense there at all. I know that PLL’s target audience is probably air-headed 14 year-old girls who are too glued to their iPhones to see these kind of things coming, but some of us are 20-something gay men (who are recovering from horrifying gastro!) and expect a little better. Harumph.

Oh, and the photo of Alison, Wilden and Cece goes missing (at least according to Jason) in the lift crash. Goddammit.

Reasons to watch:

The lift crash is pretty trash-fabulous. Certainly a twist on the old stuck-in-a-lift stock scenario I thought we were in for when it broke down. Didn’t see it crashing coming at all.

Jason is looking like less of an A suspect. What, with the almost dying stuff. Although, his disappearance from the hospital at the end could either be him doing an A-escape, or being kidnapped by A. So many options.

Cece is also looking sketchy as fuck. She lied about Wilden and Alison at Cape May, and she later lies to Aria about having been towed (she makes the call from her car, naturally). She’s also blonde, so a suitable suspect for Little Red Riding Hood.

Despite it being totally pointless, Spencer’s throttling of Mona was very satisfying. More physical violence, please.

I totally picked Andrew as a new thang for Spencer. And not a bad choice, either. Also, there’s something so pathetic about strip-quizzing that’s it’s almost adorable.

Melissa is back. Wren shows up to the Hastings house to see Spencer and unfortunately runs into her. Delicious awkwardness ensues.

Jason has a flashback to the night of Alison’s murder. Now, he was super drunk (as evidenced by his random drinking out of the garden hose. So like us), but he thinks he saw Melissa arguing with Cece. In his flashback, Cece was wearing a yellow top like Alison was, so he could be having an inaccurate drunk memory, or some doppelganger shit was on play that night. Ooh.

Best line of the episode goes to Hanna, who is discussing some stale cake with Jamie after he shows up late to his coffee date with her and Caleb: “Um, I’d get you a fresh piece, but if I stand up again, it’s to pee. And I would rather do that in my pants than leave you two alone.” Genuine. Class.

Ashley gets a few token lines this episode. Woo, Ashley.

Spencer (prior to strangling her) threatens to use her relationship with Wren to get access to and post Mona’s case file online. Now that’s some cyber bullying I can get excited about.

Oh, and Hanna doesn’t have any sartorial fuck-ups this episode. Snaps for Hanna.

Pretty Little Liars Hanna cute outfit

I’ll give you a break this time, H.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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