TV Review: Once Upon a Time Season 2 Episode 13

Once Upon a Time Jack and the beanstalk boos tits

“Well, you should be. They’re the most memorable thing about me.”

NOTE: Just after I started writing this post, my body decided it would be a great time to get fucking slammed by food poisoning. So 3 hours, 7 sprints to the toilet to vomit (and 1 sprint to take the sloppiest shit of my life), and much writhing on the ground later, here we are. So inb4 this post is rushed and makes no sense.

I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t really gagging to see the fascinating back story of that one giant.

Unfortunately, we’re mid-way through the season, so it’s time for some filler.

At least we’ve got Original Charming back to fuck bitches and get money. Literally.

TL;DR The giants are boring and Hurley’s tragic past is crap. Nothing else really happens.

But hey, Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk is here. And Jack’s a woman! Way to really break down those barriers, ABC. Soooooo subversive.

The plot follows David and Snow as they use Hook to find Cora. He shows them Hurley the Giant, her secret weapon, who has been reduced to human size. Hurley thinks David is Origi-Charm and vows death. Regina shows up to give him a gigantism potion so he can wreck the town. Blah blah blah he is eventually foiled and becomes friends with the townsfolk. The reason he hates Origi-Charm is explained in the flashback plot. Hurley was bullied by his giant family, so went to the human realm to make friends. Origi-Charm and Jack trick him into leading them to the giants’ land so they can steal treasure and magic beans. All the giants die except Hurley, and the humans don’t get any beans. Oh, and Gold takes Emma (and Henry, because why not?) out into the big bad world to find his son.

I’d say this is exceptionally middle-of-the-road for Once Upon a Time, but anyone who sat through season 1 wouldn’t be surprised by the dullness here.

The problem is that there’s nothing really at stake. We know Hurley is the last of the giants already, so the flashback plot has zero tension. And this isn’t close enough to the finale to believe he might actually be able to raze Storybrooke, so that’s off the table, too. The only subplot with any momentum is the Gold/Emma one, and they just kill time by showing Gold being irritated by the TSA.

Wasteful.

On the other hand, watching Origi-Charm and Jack swindle Hurley is pretty funny.

Why I hate this episode:

With Emma road-tripping her ass out of Storybrooke, it looks like it’s back to the days of David being in charge of the town. Except now he has his darling wife along to be even more wholesome and bland. At least Emma knew how to do completely illegal shit which, while frustrating due to her job (as sheriff, remember), was at least engaging.

Henry goes with Emma and Gold for no good reason. Ew.

She also doesn’t consult Regina about this. And when Snow and David tell Regina, Snow’s like “She doesn’t have to run anything like that by you.” Fuckin’ rude.

Hurley is bullied by the giants for being small and freaks out the humans because he’s big. Boo fucking hoo.

Memory-wiped Belle continues to be as boring as you’d expect.

Regina has been reduced to a messenger for her mother. What the fuck? I still can’t believe they’ve made up. Surely Regina has to be planning on double-crossing her.

Hurley, just before reverting to human size, tries to squash David. He misses and makes a huge hole in the ground. He then promptly shrinks and has to hang onto a pipe for dear life. He apparently hangs on long enough for a whole crowd to form and rescue materials to be brought. Um, as an overweight child who tried the monkey bars a couple of times, I can tell you that someone of that size wouldn’t make it, like, 10 seconds. Ridiculous.

Oh, and we get pretty much no time with Jack. So I guess we can look forward to a spotlight episode for her soon. Ugh.

Reasons to watch:

Jack is a hot skank, though. Which is always welcome. She’s also Sage from TVD.

Her and Origi-Charm’s plot to scam Hurley is known to the audience the whole time, so it was extra fun to watch the giant get his hopes up. God, I’m such a bully.

There’s a new rule for the memory retention spell: you can’t take the charm off you. Gold is forced to remove the shawl at the airport and starts getting all hazy and shit. Drama. His healing magic also seems to be disabled outside of Storybrooke.

Snow actually makes a sincere apology to Regina for thinking she killed Hopper. Holy shit, it’s a miracle.

Regina, Hook and Cora look like they’ll be forming an alliance, too. Juicy.

Hook gets best line this episode, when he’s explaining to Regina where he’s been (in hospital, btw): “I’ve been tied up in bed. Not in the good way.” So that’s what Cora’s into.

Jack is eventually caught by Hurley’s dad. She kills him with her poisoned sword, but falls to the ground and is injured. She pleads for Origi-Charm to help, but is brutally rebuffed as he ditches the fuck out of her. I lol’d.

Hurley’s dad gave him a beanstalk stem before he died. Although he realises it would be what Cora was after the whole time, he decides to plant it in Storybrooke. The beanstalk would allow them to travel between worlds. So maybe everyone can go home after all.

Oh, and Gold seems anxious as fuck while at the airport and on the plane. More anxious than simply going to reunite with his long lost son. Is something afoot?

Once Upon a Time Emma Henry Gold plane

“Well, that’s because you’re here, Henry.”

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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