TV Review: The Vampire Diaries Season 4 Episode 13

The Vampire Diaries Jeremy bondage

TVD always knows what I need.

How do you top the death of an original vampire?

By taking all your main characters on a hilarious camping caper romp, of course!

It’s better than it sounds.

TL;DR Caroline’s back! Shane brings us one step closer to the cure. Rebeka and Elena bitch at each other because they’re forced together. It’s satisfying.

After being completely let down by PLL this week, I needed some satisfaction.

So the bulk of the plot follows our ragtag bunch of main characters as they search some island to find Silas/the cure. Elena, Damon, Stefan, Jeremy, Bonnie, Shane and Rebeka are along for the ride. Shane tells a story about how there’s a cave on the island where Silas is buried and he was willed by the spectre of his dead wife (oh, Shane has a dead wife and son, btw. Not sure if we knew that already. She was a witch, too) to do blood sacrifice stuff so Silas will live again and revive his family. Complicated. Elena has friction with Stefan and Rebeka. Damon says he doesn’t want the cure and worries about what will happen once Elena takes it. Some unknown person is stalking our group. Blah blah the usual. Shane eventually betrays everyone and steals Jeremy, Bonnie and the headstone to go raise Silas for himself. Meanwhile, Tyler gloats over Klaus while he’s imprisoned in the Gilbert house. This goes awry when Klaus bites Caroline and is willing to let her die to spite Tyler. Luckily, Klaus’ dick is still hard over Caroline, so he relents. Aww.

I gotta give points to this episode for being very plot heavy. Yeah, the old Elena/Stefan/Damon drama keeps on swirling, but the action on the island is focused on moving things forward. And the Klaus subplot effectively breaks up the island stuff while also gaining some meaningful ground for the Klaus/Caroline shipping movement. Everybody wins.

Although Shane is still totally batshit insane and yet everyone is pretty much happy to let him lead them around. Then they’re all shocked when he stabs them all in the back and kidnaps the fuck out of Bonnie and Jeremy. Shocking.

Why I hate this episode:

Special demerit points for Elena. Damon (who is the only sane man in the group) gets sick of Shane’s shit so he restrains and tortures him to speed things up. Elena shows up just in time to ruin the day by letting Shane free, thus allowing him to abduct her brother and best friend to go raise an immortal hell demon who will unleash his unholy fury upon the earth. Nice one, Elena.

TVD has attempted to give Shane’s bullshittery some context by slapping a dead wife and child on him (again, did we know this already? I don’t care about Shane enough to recall). Weak.

Tyler and Caroline are pretty huge dumbasses this episode. Tyler is way too willing to antagonise a trapped Klaus (you’d think a werewolf would be more cautious about prodding a caged animal, huh?). Then Caroline bitches at Klaus, too. She goes on about how much he disgusts her etc. Then after he bites her and she needs him to save her, she’s all like “Oh wait, I was totes just kidding before. You’re a cool guy. Give me your blood k thnx.” Hypocrite.

Shane plays a massive Mr Exposition this episode. Half of the runtime is spent listening to him either talk about Silas’ original entombment, or his recounting of his blood-hallucination of his wife in the cave of wonders. I’m glad we’re finally learning something about Silas, but Shane just dumps it all out there in enormous, wet chunks of dialogue.

Damon’s all like to Elena “I don’t wanna be cured, but you will be, so you’ll go running back to Stefan WAH.” Either take the cure yourself or get over it. Fucking whinger.

Oh, and then Elena does something smart for a change and begs him to take the cure so they can be human together. And he says no. What a brat.

Reasons to watch:

Caroline is back! It’s a shame her return would be so marred by hypocritical whoring, but I guess that isn’t really too much of a stretch for Caroline.

Tyler is back, too. If you care about that kind of thing.

We get some importants deets on Silas. He was made immortal by some witch he was banging called Qetsiyah (really? Ugh). But then he cheated on her witchy ass, so Q killed the mistress and entombed Silas because she was mad. Totally OTT. Totally me.

Also, if you offer your blood in the cave of wonders then you can see dead loved ones or some shit. That’s how Shane saw his wife, who set him on the ritualistic sacrifice path by order of Silas.

Speaking of sacrifice, Shane still has to perform one more 12-person death party to unlock this shit. Exciting.

Rebeka gets to be fabulicious. Yeah, she seems to do that a lot, but it’s always welcome.

She gets best line this episode when she’s rattling off the reasons for why everyone is needed on the trip. Except Elena, of course: “Jeremy has the spell on his body, Bonnie’s the witch that unseals the cure, Shane is the human compass, you (Stefan) and I have the tombstone, which does god knows what, and Elena has no point.” Elena has no point? Damn, Rebeka’s good.

Bonus points for this follow up:
Damon: “What about me?”
Rebeka: “You have a nice behind.”
She’s not wrong.

She also makes a good point about how in the tussle between her and Elena, Elena should be viewed as the bad guy because she’s caused the death of 2 of Rebeka’s brothers. She’s got you there, slut.

Stefan says he wants the cure to help himself, not Elena. You go, girl.

After everyone disappers, Elena says that she, Rebeka and Stefan will have to stick together to get the cure. The 3 Musketeers ride!

Mystery Hatchet Man turns out to be a Hunter. Ooh.

Oh, and Caroline (while dying) says she knows Klaus is in love with her. He doesn’t deny it. Squee?

The Vampire Diaries Caroline Klaus impale

Calm your flaps, Caroline. That’s just him impaling you with a lamp. Still hot, though.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

4 responses to “TV Review: The Vampire Diaries Season 4 Episode 13”

  1. Anonymous says :

    you r a terrible review/recap person you fucking idiot

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