TV Review: Pretty Little Liars Season 3 Episode 18

Pretty Little Liars Spencer crying

Bored to…tears? (ah ha!)

Ugh, fucking nothing’s happening.

And you know what the only thing worse than a Hanna-lite episode is? A Hanna-heavy episode where she’s sidelined the entire time to play go-between in Caleb’s daddy drama.

Gross.

TL;DR A couple of minor plot revelations don’t disguise the complete lack of momentum here.

It’s like Penn Badgley’s post-Gossip Girl career: not going anywhere. Burn.

Plot lines ho:

Aria spends time with Ezra’s brother, who is living in the apartment while Ezra’s away. He has some shit going on with his school and some mummy issues. I don’t give a fuck. Aria’s also weepy about Ezra not talking to her.

Hanna takes Caleb out to his Aunt’s place (she’s moving to Brisbane, Australia. ‘Straya cunt!) to look through some piles of junk. The uncle is there to help them. Blah blah blah Uncle is Caleb’s real father. Nothing of value is gained.

Emily sees a returned Dr Sullivan about her guilt over killing not-Cousin. She undergoes hypnosis and it turns out there was a blonde girl in a red hoodie at Alison’s grave the night it was dug up. Emily also theorises that Wilden is totes the father of Alison’s maybe-baby, but isn’t willing to come clean to the police about it.

Luckily we’ve got a still-mopey Spencer to spill the beans to Jason. Spencer also gets her private investigator to find the lock for her A-Key, which turns out to be an abandoned A base. So Toby is still missing.

So yeah, Emily and Spencer have to carry the bulk of the actual plot plots this week. I don’t mind seeing Aria shouldered with melodrama (it’s kind of her go-to), but Hanna deserves better than this. Especially after having so many episodes recently where she’s not involved.

And although Mopey Spencer does get shit done, I still have to watch her sook around and be a self-absorbed douchebitch. So that dampens the fun of her blowing up the Alison mausoleum internment with her scoop on Wilden. Devastating.

Why I hate this episode:

We need more Hanna. It’s just a fact.

Spencer needs to get the fuck over herself, too. Fucking Emily had one girlfriend murdered and one girlfriend almost murdered, and she never lost her shit as much as Spencer is.

Speaking of Emily losing her shit, why is her guilt suddenly such a focal plot point? It was ignored up until last episode. So between episodes 12 and 17 it wasn’t an issue, then all of a sudden it’s the only thing Emily can think about and she’s willing to undergo hypnosis to fix it. What?

Ezra’s brother is back. U. G. H. He also seems to be bringing some fucking unnecessary bullshit of his own with him. Something about sexing up his physics teacher to get expelled just to rebel against mummy. Holy fuck, why are they including this crap?

After finding out that anyone found with possessions from Alison’s coffin will be in huge trouble from the police, Hanna and Aria decide to jettison the things they have (ouija board piece and earrings, respectively). Then later on Aria tells Hanna she’s going to hang onto the earrings. For no good reason. Dumbass bitch. I really hope that little plot thread pans out. Aria knows how dangerous it is to have evidence lying around. Wake yourself up, dickhead.

Oh, and the Caleb stuff is seriously scraping the bottom of the arbitrary, soap opera filler barrel. I don’t care.

Reasons to watch:

Emily’s plot seems to have the most deets. During her hypnotic trance, she’s supposed to be describing to Dr Sullivan the events of the lighthouse. Instead, she envisions herself carrying a shovel and striking Alison on the night she died. Although it sucks that it doesn’t turn out to be real, we do find out that Emily saw ol’ red hoodie at the graveyard that night. So we’ve got a new suspect, and an entirely new contender for the leader of the A-Team. Excellent.

Mona gets a couple of choice moments. She harangues Spencer about the upcoming Academic Decathlon and implicitly gloats about her victory for the captain position. They both implicitly tussle (through meaningful stares, of course) over the fact that Spencer knows Toby is A. Which Mona relishes. She’s a bad bitch.

Mona also shows up at Dr Sullivan’s new office to fake apologise and pretend she’s gotten better. Way to rub that shit in.

Despite being, you know, Ezra’s brother, Ezra’s brother gets one tiny bit of interesting screentime. When the husband of the physics teacher who he pursued shows up, EzBro (that’s his name now. Deal with it) smacks the dude in the face with a pizza box and legs it. I lol’d.

Toby apparently spent $65 on hyndrangeas before disappearing. I lol’d.

It turns out Paige wasn’t cheating on Emily at the lesbian bar last week. She was just flirting with the costume shop chick to get info on the Harlequin from Halloween. Bitch be monogamous.

Jason looks ready to start some shit with Wilden RE knocking up Alison (and then maybe killing her). Juicy.

Oh, and the Pretty Little Liars costuming department must be reading my comments because there’s no way that Hanna’s overalls outfit this episode could be anything other than an intentional joke. Like, really.

Pretty Little Liars Hanna overalls Caleb uncle father

I’m with you, buddy.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

6 responses to “TV Review: Pretty Little Liars Season 3 Episode 18”

  1. S says :

    dying laughing while reading this.. it’s like I wrote it myself omg

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