TV Review: Jersey Shore Season 6 Episode 13
After all my bitching about it, I never thought I’d actually be sad to see Jersey go.
And no, I didn’t cry buckets for them. Because my tear ducts are actually laced with cobra venom (long story) and it would be terribly dangerous to let that stuff slip.
But yeah, seeing these 8 alcoholic, untalented losers leave the place that made them famous was truly heart-rending.
Also, scrotum cake.
TL;DR Ron and Sam finally have a fight. Paula reveals she’s even more unhinged than we thought. And eyes water as Jersey is finally buried for good.
Things will never be the same again.
So the episode starts out with the roommates having a beach bonfire with all their friends and family to celebrate their time at the shore. It’s boring. Then they have their last shift at the t-shirt shop. It’s boring. Things pick up when Paula gives Mike some cakes to celebrate his birthday. Despite some skepticism from the roommates (because Paula has been a little weird), Mike, Pauly and Deena eat them. Then we find out that Paula had some dude dip his testicles in the icing. Deena’s not too fussed. The boys are a bit. Elsewhere, Vinny and Pauly bring prank retribution on Sammi (after her failed attempt) by moving her and Ron’s inflatable mattress. Vinny accidentally pops it, and Ron flips the fuck out. At Sammi. A moderately interesting fight ensues. And everyone reminisces about their time at Jersey before bidding a final, horrible farewell.
What are we gonna do? The world needs drunken, dysfunctional 20-somethings with no real career prospects. I can’t do it all by myself.
I suppose, much like Gossip Girl, this episode encapsulates the good of early Jersey Shore and the dullness of later Jersey Shore. The SamRon fight almost felt like the good times. Even if their endless, unsubstantiated drama wore me out in season 3, at least it showed they were passionate and active.
All they’ve done for the past 3 seasons is sit around and try not to make a fuss. You’re on a reality show, guys. That’s not entertaining.
And then we’ve got the bad side of Jersey Shore: the boring bonfire and complete lack of any scandal or incident. I mean ffs, they had to drag in some bullshit about Paula teabagging a cake just to give the roommates something to talk about.
It was time to go, Jersey, but it’s still sad to experience it.
Why I hate this episode:
The bonfire was completely pointless. The only thing of interest that occurs is Sammi’s parents being unenthused about the prospect of her and Ronnie moving in together. Other than that it was a total waste of time.
Similarly, the last day of work at the t-shirt store was empty. I get that it was kind of obligatory to include it (this is the last episode, remember), but still. Meh.
Although entertaining, the SamRon fight is depressingly unfounded. Ronnie literally makes the whole thing about Sam, as he says it’s her fault that Vinny and Pauly tried to prank her back. I think for the first time since “The Note” Sammi actually has the moral high ground in a fight. But Ron is too roid-tarded to get it. Embarrassing.
I’m done with Paula. Bitch cray. You don’t come back from nutsacking a cake.
Oh, and after a frustrating phone call with Paula, Mike flips his shit and death-stomps the duck phone. Not okay, dude.
Reasons to watch:
The testicle cake thing is pretty funny, though. Top points to Deena for her reaction. She’s pretty much like “lol, whatever.” I guess Mike and Pauly aren’t as used to having balls in their mouths. Zing.
Pauly and Vinny have to go buy wood for the bonfire. Many “wood” jokes are made, several of which are homoerotic. I guess it’s the best I’m ever gonna get. Apart from this, obv.
Vinny’s mum caters for the bonfire. Fuck yeah.
The roommates who refuse to eat the cakes make several jokes about them being tampered with or poisoned. Points for foresight.
The SamRon fight is pretty epic considering it’s based on essentially nothing. They even have a poper screaming match while everyone else (including Vinny and Pauly) breaks out the popcorn and listens. I lol’d.
Deena gets best line this episode when she comes out and hears them going at it: “Are they still fighting about this frickin’ mattress?” I’m with you, D. But still, lols.
Second best line goes to Pauly, with some added hilarity considering how things turn out. He says this whilst eating the cake: “Mike should dump chicks more often. We get free cake.” Tee hee.
The final scene of them farewelling the house is a must for any Jersey fan. It still hasn’t sunk in.
Oh, and MTV understands the importance of the duck phone, as this is the final frame of the episode: