CBF Review Roundup

Total Recall Kate Beckinsale Colin Farrell fight gun

This is how I imagine myself. As two hot people of different genders. I should probably look into therapy, hey?

Sometimes I watch a movie and I’m like “I can’t be fucked doing a whole post on this.”

So today I decided to give myself a break (an early Christmas present, if it makes me feel better. Which it does. Because I’m a self-enabler) and just knock out 4 movie reviews in 1 quick post.

Kinda like I did for those last few episodes of Snooki & JWoww.

And it’s not because all these movies are terrible. It’s because I don’t care about them.


Skyfall Bond Daniel Craig Javier Bardem Silva gay

“What did you think I was doing?”

So everyone knows Quantum of Solace sucked, but Daniel Craig is pout-tacular, so I gave it a go.

The plot follows Bond as he is accidentally shot on M’s orders and presumed dead. He isn’t (duh), but M is still kind of a bitch to him when he comes back. Then Javier Bardem shows up as a blonde dude who was driven mad by M’s abandonment of him when he was captured by enemies. Blah blah blah Bond and M end up at Bond’s childhood home (it’s called Skyfall. Because title) and have a final duel with Javier. M dies. Bond has a sad. The end.

I hate this movie because Javier’s motivation is poor (he was imprisoned for a few months and went batshit, but Pierce Brosnan’s Bond was held for over a year by North Koreans in Die Another Day and he turned out fine. Ya big baby, Javier), Bond’s sex with that chick who dies is horrifying (she’s spent her whole life as a sex slave, so Bond’s version of intimacy is to surprise her with his cock in the shower. Sensitive), and the whole post-Nolan Dark Knight “super serious adaptation of formerly wacky character” thing is getting a bit old.

You should watch because there is sexy sexual tension between Bond and Javier, the action scenes are pretty much sublime, and this is the only 2+ hour movie I’ve watched all year where I wasn’t climbing the walls, praying for it to just finish already.

Verdict: 4 out of 5 stars.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter Tim Burton

“For the good of America, and mankind!”

Preface: this movie is crap.

The plot inserts vampires into Abraham Lincoln’s life. Something about his mother getting killed by a vampire, so he teams up with some vampire hunting dude to, well, hunt vampires (the title is pretty informative). Mash in some indistinct vampire leaders and splice the narrative with crap about freeing the slaves and the Civil War, and that’s about it.

I hate this movie because it takes itself way too seriously (which we should have learned was a bad idea from similar, “crazy title, morose execution” disappointment Cowboys & Aliens), Mary Elizabeth Winstead used to be awesome (Final Destination 3, Black Xmas) and is now struggling to pretend to be Mary Lincoln, and it was co-produced by Tim Burton.

You should watch because a couple of the vampire slaying scenes are fun, it introduces an interesting new vampire rule (vampires can’t kill other vampires, which is why Abe’s hunter mentor needs to recruit humans. Because he himself is a vampire), and the stinger at the end shows Abe’s mentor recruiting Barack Obama. I don’t care how terrible it is, I’d watch that sequel.

Verdict: 1 out of 5 stars.

The Factory

The Factory John Cusack

“At least I’m not Nicholas Cage, I suppose.”

Identity is actually one of my favourite movies. Probably not top 10, but it’s an effective and underappreciated little thriller. That said, John Cusack is definitely past his prime.

So the plot is about Cusack who is a detective. He’s on the trail of some guy who has been kidnapping prostitutes (so original). Then his daughter (Mae Whitman) is mistaken for a prostitute and taken. It turns out the kidnapper, “Daddy,” has been keeping them and trying to get them pregnant so he can form some kind of twisted family. Cusack eventually finds her, but (twist!) his partner (Jennifer Carpenter) is actually in on it (she was the first girl Daddy every brainwashed). She kills Cusack and escapes with the babies he’d already gotten. Cool.

I hate this movie because it’s yawningly unambitious with its plot (it’s like a long episode of SVU), the 2 girls Daddy already has locked up are fucking dickhead bitches who constantly impede Mae, and the ending is dissatisfying.

You should watch because although it is just like a long SVU episode it’s still better than average for a run-of-the-mill thriller, Tyler from TVD is in it, and the twist (even though I picked it a mile off. Because I’m just that good) is pretty delicious.

Verdict: 3 out of 5 stars.

Total Recall (2012)

Total Recall 2012 Colin Farrell Jessica Biel

“It’s all I do, baby.”

I saw the original a long time ago. Like, seriously, when I was probably 8 or 9 or some shit like that. So I’m not gonna be one of those “the original was better, therefore I will completely discount this one” jerks. I’ll just be a regular jerk.

The plot is an “is it real or isn’t it” standard affair. Colin Farrell is some grunt worker in a futuristic society where most of the earth is rendered uninhabitable by chemical warfare. Colin turns out to be a double/triple/quadruple/mind-wiped agent working for both The Colony (the povo, slum scum) and the United Federation of Britain (the rich bastards, who Colin ultimately betrays. Because status quo). Kate Beckinsale is a hot psycho cop/spy who wants to kill Colin. Jessica Biel is a hot/not-psycho spy/freedom fighter who want to prevent attacks on The Colony by evil politician Bryan Cranston. There’s a lot of running, which eventually ends in Cranston’s death and success for The Colony. Or is it all just Rekall!?!?!?

I hate this movie because it’s pretty much just constant action (which becomes exhausting, especially when the only breaks in between are used up by the movie desperately trying to make sense of the mind/body/face/identity-swapping plot), Kate Beckinsale gets no real motivation or character development (“Colin bad, I fight”) and the action causes countless deaths of innocent people, which nobody seems to be paying attention to. The multi-axis elevator scene is the most obvious.

You should watch because Kate Beckinsale is hot (though nobody does crazy-hot like Sharon Stone), Jessica Biel is hot (despite being whingeingly aware of it), and the CGI isn’t an intrusive clusterfuck of “look how impressive our CGI budget is” wankery.

Verdict: 3 out of 5 stars.

Skyfall Daniel Craig pout

I just had to. I mean look at it. Look at it!

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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