TV Review: Jersey Shore Season 6 Episode 12

Jersey Shore Deena drunk vagina

My idol.

Every episode I watch of Jersey Shore I find it harder and harder to have something to say about them. Because nothing happens.

I get that we’ve only got 1 episode left (forever), but this wind-down is brutal.

TL;DR Jionni and Jenni have a fight that doesn’t go anywhere. The boys pick up chicks at the clubs that don’t go anywhere. And Mike does a strip show that doesn’t go anywhere.

Fight fizzle, indistinguishable club experience, fluff moment: Jersey Shore in a nutshell.

So this episode, the second last ever, begins with Jenni catching wind of Jionni bitching about her after the boys ratted her out for her constant dissing of him last episode. Jenni calls Jionni and is like “Yeah I said that, ho” and then he’s like “But I have been around. Snooki just hasn’t told you” and she’s like “Oh” and the fight’s over. Lame. Then they go clubbing and Mike has chicks hit on him. Paula shows up and gets jealous. Pauly has noisy, disappointing sex with some club rat. Sammi and Ronnie are happy with their relationship and are looking for a place to live together IRL. Deena and Snooki have proper meatball auditions. This doesn’t go anywhere. And Mike ends the episode by performing a subpar strip show for the roommates.

Ugh, just bring on the finale.

Why I hate this episode:

Seriously, Jersey Shore has become so uneventful. Trashy reality TV shows rely on stupid shit happening all the time. Cancellation justified.

Paula continues her descent into crazy ex-girlfriend-dom. Not only does she show up at the club looking like a slutty prom queen, obviously overdoing herself to catch Mike’s eye, but she randomly (and unprovoked) comes up to Mike and tells him not to talk to her anymore. While he’s pretty innocently (for Jersey) grinding with some nobody. Get a grip, girl.

The boys completely lie to Jenni when they try to downplay their role in telling Jionni what she was saying about him not being around. Like, seriously, we just saw you 1 episode ago totally selling her out. Did you think we wouldn’t notice? And rude.

When Mike talks about his stripping past, he claims he only did it for women and wouldn’t do it for men. Rude.

The meatball contestants are all varying levels of grenade. Scotland, one of the winners, doesn’t even appear to put on makeup before they go clubbing. Shouldn’t that be an automatic fail?

Sammi and Ronnie’s relationship bliss, while I suppose is important with the whole show ending situation, is boring.

Oh, and Mike’s strip show, although entertaining, is pretty disappointing as far as actual sexiness goes. Missed opportunity.

Reasons to watch:

Watching Paula go fucking insane, while depressing, is still pretty hilarious. Bitch cray for reals.

She also looks fucking unbelievably fucking hot. Fuck. I don’t care how crazy she is, Mike is missing out.

Sammi and Ronnie have a bizarrely competitive game of mini golf. Apparently he let her win the first time they played together and she now believes that she’s good at it. He fucking destroys her. And she takes it like a man. Nice.

The meatball audition challenges are cute. It’s the usual: shots, tequila shots off an old man, shouting at pedestrians in clown outfits. Good to see Snooki and Deena getting back to their roots.

Scotland turns out to be a bit of sassy thang. Vinny says he finds her annoying, but you can totally see the sexual tension between them. I lol’d.

Mike ends up trying to bring back a drunk girl from the clubs. She trips on the walk home and her boobs flop out of her strapless top. He then considers her too sloppy and ditches her. I lol’d.

Snooki doesn’t go clubbing and finds herself at peace with it. Aww.

Deena gets drunk as shit at the club and flashes her vagina. This is how it should be.

When they get home she is too drunk to get to bed, so Mike helps her. I melted a little bit.

At one point Snooki and Sammi can’t figure out how to work their cork screw (one of these). Deena comes along and is like “Bam!” and sorts that shit right out.

Which leads into the best line of the episode, from Deena: “Don’t say I don’t contribute in this house.” I want to live with her.

Oh, and as pathetic as Mike’s stripping turns out to be, they go to a decent effort to pull it off. He gets into character, they have a bubble and smoke machine, and even use torches to simulate a light show. And Mike’s finishing move is to pick Jenni up upside down, so they’re crotch to crotch with him standing. “A” for effort.

Jersey Shore Mike Situation strip

He’s not Magic, but he is still Mike. I’ll take it.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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