TV Review: American Horror Story Season 2 Episode 9

American Horror Story Kit Arden chest needle syringe

Yeah, you thought I’d forgotten about that, didn’t you?

How do you top a Christmas episode with a homicidal Santa (hey, Black Xmas was fantastic)?

You commit Lange as a patient, reveal a character is pregnant, have said character perform a coat hanger abortion, and stab Kit the fuck in the chest with a huge-ass needle. All while revealing the identity of present day Bloodyface.

Because that’s how American Horror Story do.

TL;DR American Horror Story knows how to deliver. Oh, and we finally have some decent (ish) proof of the aliens.

And Dylan McDermott is finally here. Still no word on Connie Britton. She’s probably too busy trying to pretend she’s youthful enough to compete with Hayden Panettiere on Nashville.

The plot splits its time between a few important threads this episode. Following her failed attempt at saving Skitty and her neck-stabbing of Santa, Lange is committed as a patient to Briarcliff. Skitty and Santa lie and say she killed Frank. Fiennes doesn’t believe her story of conspiracy. But Lange isn’t gonna take it lying down, and is determined to keep her sanity. Meanwhile, Lana still has Quinto tied and locked up. Skitty informs Lana that she’s pregnant with Quinto’s rape baby, so Lana gets her hands on a coat hanger and gets that shit taken care of. Quinto isn’t pleased. However, Skitty says the baby survived and Quinto has been set free by somebody. Meanwhile, Cromwell finally believes Kit about the aliens and figures that Kit is the object of some kind of study they’re performing. By endangering Kit’s life, Cromwell hopes to summon the aliens. What he gets is an apparently not-dead Frenchie who is massively pregnant. Oh, and Fiennes takes Santa’s claims of rehabilitation far too gullibly and ends up crucified. Literally.

It’s no Once Upon a Time, but I can honestly say that I don’t dread sitting down to American Horror Story every week. What have I become?

But not everything’s perfect. Fiennes continues his tradition of being insanely clueless and unsurprisingly runs afoul of Santa’s true homicidal compulsions. Like, are you really that stupid? This guy brutally butchered 18 people in 1 night. When a detective interviews everyone about Frank’s death and Santa has his big “I see the light”spiel, even the detective pretty much tells him to fuck off. Fiennes works with these insane psychopaths everyday. Get a goddamn clue.

And he fucking allows Lange to be committed to the asylum. Really? This woman is your trusted partner and you immediately have her imprisoned in this horrible place because of 1 incident, with testimonies from Cromwell (who you know is a deranged freak), Santa (who is definitely a deranged freak) and Skitty (who you should at least notice has completely altered her personality)? Dumbass.

Why I hate this episode:

Quinto disappears. Poor Lana can’t catch a fucking break.

Kit also (again) denies her permission to just kill him. Well, that boat has sailed now, bitches.

Fiennes’ stupidity is further fuelled by his quest to become pope. He sees curing Santa as the “miracle” he needs to be considered for such a high, holy honour. If you reach for the stars you’re gonna get burned. Because stars are enormous balls of fire.

Kit agrees to Cromwell’s plan of almost dying so he can see Alma again. Pussy whipped.

Oh, and one of the nuns who holds Lange down while she’s refusing to take her medication gets all “I’m the boss now” on her and slaps her. Oh bitch, you best not be steppin’.

Reasons to watch:

But Lange carries the fuck on. She has an awkward time arriving in the patient common room. She sits with Lana and the two seem to be forming a grudging alliance. Fuck yeah.

She also gets up and breaks that fucking French record thing. Thank. God.

Skitty is still struttin’ her shit around like the boss she is. She effortlessly pulls off the framing of Lange with Cromwell and Santa’s help. And she takes great joy in gloating to Lana that her backyard abortion didn’t work. She’s fantastic.

Despite being foiled at the last minute, Lana gets massive boss points. Not only does she totally give that coat hanger vagina-stab a shot, but she also fashions the coat hanger into a form more suited for murdering Quinto. And she was gonna do it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling demon.

Dylan McDermott (Ben, the husband/dad from season 1) shows up in the present day plotline as a man seeing a therapist about his homicidal compulsions. Surprise, he’s Quinto’s son (presumably the one Lana is carrying) and is present day Bloodyface. He then proceeds to attack the therapist and her following patient. I got my answers. I’m satisfied.

Cromwell does something noble and tells Kit he believes the alien story. He even has a plaster cast of a footprint. Nice. And the “Let’s sorta kill you to get more proof” plan works impressively well, although we only end up with a naked, pregnant Frenchie. Still worth it.

Kit stealthily drains his IV into a bedpan to avoid taking it. Smart.

Lana forces a confession of the Bloodyface killings from Quinto by threatening to abort the baby. He wants to keep it with her so that it has parents, which he didn’t have. And Kit audio records the confession and hides the tape. Our heroes get smarter every episode.

Best line goes to Lange, with setup from Lana. Lange sits down with Lana in the common room and they have this dry exchange:
Lana: “What did they do to you?”
Lange: “Nothing I didn’t do to you.”Dat responsibility.

Fiennes tries to baptise Santa, which is when Santa immediately drowns Fiennes in the baptismal bath thing.

And Fiennes ends up alive on the crucifix, then Angel appears and promises to help him out. He’s also mostly naked, which is fine with me.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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