TV Review: Gossip Girl Season 6 Episode 9
Umm, what the fuck did I just watch?
What happened to you, Gossip Girl? You used to be unbearably awful.
Don’t give me this “actually watchable, decent drama and fabulous scheming” shit now that you’ve only got 1 episode left.
TL;DR Blair joins forces with the schemiest schemers to take down Bart. Chuck almost dies. Bart does die (again). Maybe. And Serena rage quits New York.
Oh Serena. You’re surrounded by plane crashes and rooftop showdowns, but all you care about is your love life. Selfish.
So the plot is mostly about Bart. Blair and Chuck are on the war path and decide to bring Ivy in to pretend she made copies of the incriminating micro film. They also have Nate playing double agent (Nate is pretending to work for Bart because he’s getting blackmailed) by keeping Bart unaware of Lily’s support. Bart is too smart, though, and gets Nate arrested for fraud, which he totally did do btw. He also threatens Blair’s life. Bart tells Chuck if he exiles himself to Russia that everyone will be safe. Bart indulges his love for vehicular homicide and has the plane crash, but Chuck pre-empted it and humiliates him. Then Bart falls off a roof. Meanwhile, Blair calls in Sage, Ivy and Georgina (and Serena, but bluh) to help take down Bart at an event honouring him. Dan becomes somewhat of Bart’s evil apprentice before betraying him and begging Serena to come back (because he still loves her). And Serena says “Fuck all y’all” and is moving to LA.
I suppose what I most hate about this episode is how it’s so inconsistently great compared to the abysmal season 5 and, honestly, most of this season so far. Yeah, it’s the fangirl in me getting misty-eyed over the cancellation, but fuck, this episode really makes me want to suffer through (and bitch about) a season 7. Goddammit.
And you know shit’s getting real when Blair willingly calls in Georgina to help with a scheme. Georgina is rightfully snobbish about it, too. Because she’s just too amazing to withstand.
Why I hate this episode:
Unfortunately, Blair’s Dream Team of Scheme actually proves to be mostly ineffective. They throw down their tricks at Bart and they do rattle him a bit, but it’s Chuck’s arrival at the event (with Dan’s help) that actually pushes him over the edge (ah ha!). So it was wasted effort on Blair’s part.
Dan is seriously still in love with Serena? Holy shit, get over it! She’s a fucking useless brat bitch who’s moving to LA because her “world” is too toxic. People who talk like that are not worth degrading yourself over.
Worse, he expects Serena to still give a damn about him. Despite, you know, slagging her off very roughly to the whole world just 1 episode ago. Dan is not the brightest.
Nate’s triumph over Bart’s oppression took up too much screen time. Snooze.
He and Sage are definitely back together, too. Ugh.
Ivy shows off her zero willpower. One phone call from an ungrateful Serena and she’s running back to the city to help with Blair and Chuck’s scheme. Then when it gets ruined, she just waits around for more orders from Blair. Why?
Blair gets big hypocrite points this episode. She thanks Dan after he reveals Chuck at the dinner (because Blair thought he was dead), but then tells him she’ll never forgive him if Serena moves to LA. Umm, it’s not like having friends move to different cities is a world-ending (or unique) problem. Back the fuck up, bitch.
Watching Blair beg Serena to stay in New York is also a new low for her. Just let her go. You’re better off without the cunt.
Dan slips Serena the “nice” version of the chapter he wrote about her. Ew.
Oh, and when Bart falls over the edge (even more easily than Amanda from Revenge did), he hangs on for a little while. Sure, he was totally trying to kill Chuck, but watching Chuck and Blair just stand there and watch him fall to his (presumed) death is incredibly brutal. Bart even tearfully begs them to save him and they do nothing. That’s a bit too far.
Reasons to watch:
On the other hand, who doesn’t love a good, climactic, rooftop battle to the death? Soap opera perfection.
And Blair’s assembly of her team was truly tingle-inducing.
Dan’s sub plot involved him being like Anakin Skywalker to Bart’s The Emperor (yeah, that’s right, I know Star Wars). It was cool.
Dan cozies up to Bart so he can get a reference to buy a fancy apartment. Georgina says she wants to move in with Dan now that she’s a high-flying literary agent. Doesn’t give a fuck about her husband and baby. I lol’d.
Dan also has a movie deal for his work, too. So I guess all that backstabbing paid off. He’s an inspiration for us all.
Blair has one of her classic fantasy dreams. Callback!
The gang meet at The Oak Room early in the episode to discuss their scheme. This is the same place that everybody ended up at during the hunt for Gossip Girl in the season 2 finale. Nostalgia.
Speaking of hunting for Gossip Girl, Sage suggests Nate should definitely try to do that again. And he agrees. With only 1 episode to go, will she finally be revealed? Holy shit.
When threatening Chuck with Blair’s un-safety, he uses the old “accidents could happen” ploy. Classic.
Blair and Chuck’s kiss goodbye at the plane was totes emotional.
Best line goes to Bart this episode when he and Dan are discussing the 2 versions of the Serena chapter: “I prefer the nasty one you published.” Bart’s my kinda guy.
Second best line goes to Blair with this rare praise for Sage, whose part in the scheme is to hound Bart with calls from Bruce Caplan’s phone: “Great job on stealing the dead guy’s phone.” Because this is normal conversation for these people.
Blair’s tears for the supposedly dead Chuck were pretty heartbreaking. Even for someone without a heart (I’m supported by a system of fluid-filled bladders).
Georgina comments that the Scheme Team should work together more often. Oh, G.
Oh, and the rooftop tussle gets points for being both hilarious and epic.