TV Review: The Vampire Diaries Season 4 Episode 8

The Vampire Diaires Caroline drunk dancing

Dance pout? Glass of champagne-in hand? Yeah, she’s fine.

Are you tired of Elena being an indecisive, cock-teasing slut bitch?

Well, your endless complaining has been answered!

Elena now has a plot excuse to explain all her fucking ridiculous decision making of late.

It’s just what we wanted!

TL;DR It’s not. They’ve just slapped a “because plot” onto Elena as a band-aid while they try to figure out what new ways she can avoid making a decision. But at least Stefan and Damon find a way to stop this current bullshit. Maybe.

Tune in next week to watch Elena continue her mortifying transformation into Bella!

But for now, the plot for this episode focuses on Damon and Stefan who, once they’re convinced Elena is indeed sired to Damon, road trip down to New Orleans to find a witch who can provide some help breaking the bond. Damon employed her before to help him give some bitch named Charlotte (played by Madeline “are you old enough to remember The Nanny? Please don’t think of me as just that slut from Californication” Zima) the flick. Complications ensue. Meanwhile, Elena, Bonnie and Caroline have a totally rockin’ gurlz night LOL #yolo. Caroline and Bonnie try not to bitch out Elena for fucking Damon. They fail. And Tyler and Hayley face resistance from the hybrids they’re trying to un-sire from Klaus. One of them takes Caroline hostage and Tyler has to force them into submission.

And Bonnie is finally getting her study on for some legit dark magic. Good.

But seriously, this episode is almost entirely devoted to either Elena wangst or hybrid drama. The two malignant plot tumors that we just can’t seem to get rid of here on TVD. The insulting addition of a plot device to qualify Elena’s swtich to Damon post-vampirism is a new low for TVD. It’s almost daytime soap level. It’s embarrassing, guys.

Why I hate this episode:

FFS, Elena. F. F. S.

Stefan explains vampire siring as a “1 in a million” improbability. You fucking special snowflake, Elena. More like special ed. Nya nya.

The Tyler sub plot is also a pile of arbitrary bullshit. The problem is that Kim (the chick we saw Tyler and Hayley helping last episode) tries to become the alpha of the pack. After some meaningless complications involving kidnapping Caroline, Tyler just chucks a stake into her gut and is like “Stahp. This sub plot is so pointless we’re going to do away with it in the same episode it was introduced.” And then it’s gone. Conflict for conflict’s sake.

Bonnie earns herself some “fucking dumbass, do your goddamn reading, bitch” points this episode. When Damon and Stefan go to find the New Orleans witch, the witch they find (who turns out to be her daughter) tells them about a form of dark magic called “expression.” Guess what Bonnie gleefully says Professor Evil calls the magic he’s teaching her? You’d think somewhere in the all-knowing Bennett grimoires she would have read a snippet about the super-naughty blood sacrifice stuff you definitely shouldn’t do.

Stefan goes all Overly-Attached-Girlfriend on Elena when he constantly huffs about how jealous he is of Damon’s new bond (ah ha!) with her. He also has multiple girl talks with Caroline this episode. Because TVD is slowly morphing into Sex and the City. But with fewer menopausal horses.

Because Elena’s trust in Damon is now moot, the writers shoehorn in some convenient flashbacks to show us how Damon is such a good guy. In New Orleans in 1942 Stefan comes to apologise to Damon for some shit. Stefan’s on the straight and narrow now (with Lexi in tow). Damon, however, still surrounds himself with bleeding debauchery. To truly mend their brotherhood, Damon wants to go fight with Stefan in the war. But Lexi tells him to fuck off for Stefan’s wellbeing. Damon bravely chokes back feels as he lets Stefan go off alone. Ugh.

You know how everyone clearly acts like Elena’s life is worth more than other people’s? Well this episode actually puts a quantity on that. The sire bond breaking spell Damon used in the past involves the sacrifice of 12 human lives. Which Damon explicitly says he would gladly do for Elena. Ugh.

Oh, and after discovering the sacrifice spell actually doesn’t do shit (1942 witch was just a bad bitch, apparently), the daughter says the only way for a vampire to break the bond is to dump the chick. Damon tries to, but Elena tries to dissuade him. The episode cuts to black there. Come on, TVD. Your cliffhangers used to be cool.

Reasons to watch:

I was utterly shocked when, after thinking a witch was needed to break the sire bond, our heroes didn’t immediately go running to Bonnie. I know her powers are a bit sketchy right now, but old TVD would have just plot excused their way through. Some improvement is better than no improvement.

2 of the hybrids receive names this episode: Kim, the stroppy alpha-wannabe, and Adrian, who she tries to get Tyler and Hayley to go easy on. Spoiler alert, they both survive the episode. That’s gotta be a first.

Elena and Damon look hot when they’re having sex.

Speaking of Damon having sex, when Caroline starts bitching Elena out for fucking him, Elena throws Caroline’s season 1 relations with Damon right in her blonde face. B-b-b-burn.

In order to test the sire bond, Stefan tells Damon to get Elena to drink a blood bag and tell her it’s what he wants. It works like a charm and Damon is rightfully convinced. Practical thinking, boys. And points for Damon not languishing in denial. TVD isn’t always aimless melodrama.

Caroline is on the same wavelength as us with Professor Evil. She calls him creepy right to Bonnie’s face. She’s right.

The girls night is a bit adorable. They get drunk and dance and take photos. I see too much of myself in that.

More of Hayley’s deal with Prof is brought up. In exchange for info on her parents, she needs to deliver 12 un-sired hybrids. This is interesting because 12 is the number of people needed for the earlier mentioned “expression” sacrifice ritual. Intrigue!

When Hayley informs Prof of her success, he tells her that her parents are dead. But that it doesn’t mean she can’t see them again. Looks like he’s gearin’ Bonnie up for some Pet Sematary shit.

Bonnie brings “spirit tea” to the girls night. Caroline calls it “stoner tea.” Bonnie does not deny this. Nice.

Damon hits up best line. Stefan says he wants to let Elena have her “choice” between them. Damon posits: “The dreaded ‘C’ word.” Points for stealth “cunt” reference. And for being aware of Elena’s inability to choose.

Damon also gets second best line this episode with this philosophical brilliance: “It’s not a lie. It’s an omission for the greater good.” I’ve already copy-pasted that into my official code of conduct.

Elena throws a delightful tantrum and rage quits girls night once Bonnie and Caroline start bustin’ her chops. I lol’d.

Oh, and there’s some accidental sexual tension between Caroline and Kim when she’s got her locked up. It’s about fucking time, TVD. There’s only so much UST between every male character we can handle before we need some girl-on-girl equality.

The Vampire Diaries Caroline Kim hostage

Isn’t this what a weeknight night is supposed to look like? I’m confused.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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