TV Review: Gossip Girl Season 6 Episode 7

Gossip Girl season 6 Blair

I am shocked. Shocked and relieved.

A post-season 2 episode of Gossip Girl that isn’t embarrasing? I’ll believe it when I see it.

Oh, I already did see it.

And it’s true.

The horror.

TL;DR Schemes all over this bitch when Ivy pits Chuck and Bart against each other to win that evidence. Blair finally does something right and Dan turns out to be even more rotten than we thought. Good to see you back in form, GG.

But Sage is back. Fuck. I thought we’d gotten rid of the bitch.

So this week’s episode is mostly about the whole Ivy/Chuck/Bart evidence thing, following Ivy’s victory at the auction. Ivy meets up with Chuck and Bart and tells them her price for that evidence is Lily’s destruction: whoever can destroy Lily gets the micro film. It’s then a race for Bart and Chuck to out-scheme each other (and Ivy). Ivy also turns out to be secretly in league with William Van Der Woodsen, who Lola also set on the mission to humiliate Lily. Rufus finds out about it, though, so he steals the micro film from Ivy and gives it to Lily. Because the writers hate us. Meanwhile, Blair holds a party to officially launch her new “dress like a schoolgirl because I say so” clothing line, but is worried nobody will come. When Serena shows up to try and apologise about generally being a dick, Blair enlists her help in duping Sage into getting the Alpha Bitches of the New York private schools to like her shit. It goes surprisingly well.

The business drama with Chuck, Bart and Ivy is actually alright this episode. The real problem lies with the Blair sub plot. Namely, her wanting motherfucking Sage to be her trump card. Sage has proven herself to be an untrustworthy flap-monster, and also reasonably adept at figuring out Serena’s dumbass schemes. Yet Blair is surprised when Sage catches onto the ruse Serena runs about her reunion with Steven. These bitches don’t fucking learn.

Also, Rufus is a goddamn pussy-whipped moron.

Why I hate this episode:

Rufus is infuriating. He fucking gives the micro film to Lily out of loyalty. Dude, she took back her former, shallow, “only for the money” husband over you when he turned up not-dead. She doesn’t give a shit about you. At least Ivy pretended to be interested in you. That’s still a step above Lily.

Lily is equally ignorant. Just before she throws the micro film into the fire, Chuck runs in and implores her to reconsider. He tells her how much of a bastard Bart is and how much pain he has caused everyone. He even quotes Lily’s own words about how Bart is incapable of love. But Lily’s like “Nah, he’d never hurt me” and throws it into the fire. She will get her comeuppance.

Rufus sees Ivy kissing William when he’s randomly out on the street and she’s farewelling him as he gets into a limo. Yet another instance of Gossip Girl’s “character catches huge secret-destroying moment for no good reason” plot device. FFS.

It looks like the whole humiliation of Lily plot has come to a dead end. Ivy’s lost all her assets (except William) and Lily is riding high, having received amends from Rufus, defeated her enemies and consolidated her relationship with Bart. Goddammit.

Nate’s sub plot is boring and minimal to the plot. Bart comes up and reveals he is responsible for the investment in The Spectator. He blackmails Nate into slowing down Chuck’s scheme with Ivy. Then Nate just wangsts about how his life has no purpose. Just like his place in the show. So meta.

Ivy has graduated from fucking Rufus to fucking William. Well, he is a baldwin. But he’s an old Baldwin, so it doesn’t count.

When Sage orders the Alpha Bitches to dump on Blair’s clothing line, Blair immediately assumes Serena is responsible for sabotaging the scheme and bitches her out. Fuck, one of the rare times when Blair actually jumps on her and Serena’s innocent? Rude.

Having been crushed by his father, Chuck tells Blair they can never be together because their pact is now unable to be fulfilled. My response.

Oh, and Dan’s subplot is all about him trying to make amends to their friends (Serena’s doing it too. That’s why she went to see Blair, btw) before they go public with their renewed relationship. It’s boring as fuck. Until…

Reasons to watch:

…Dan reveals to Georgina that the whole thing is just so he can get material to write the Serena chapter of his exposé! Holy. Shit. Dan is an even greater monster than we thought. Delicious.

The Ivy/Bart/Chuck stuff is pretty satisfying, vintage GG scheming. All double crosses and secret liaisons. And before it can do the traditional “converge at a party,” it’s intercepted by Chuck crashing Ivy and Bart before they can go. Even better.

Ivy and Bart were going to take faux sex photos to humiliate Lily. I was okay with this.

Chuck’s loyalty to Lily is heartwarming. He only “agrees” to Ivy’s terms so he can stall her while Dan tries to swipe the micro film from her. After all the schemes are undone by Rufus, his passionate attempt to persuade Lily is tragically felled by Lily’s selfishness. I felt bad for him.

The William/Ivy thing caught me off guard. And from the looks of it, William doesn’t seem that interested in Ivy. Only in wrecking Lily. Juicy.

Ivy and Rufus are done for good. So we’ll never have to endure this again.

Sage gets dissed when the Alpha Bitches go gaga over Blair’s clothes. Although they are terrible clothes (rightly noted by a refreshingly vindictive Nelly), I’m just happy when Sage is fucked over. Can she go away for good, now?

Although he ends up siding with her after his just-in-time witness of Ivy and William, Rufus’ initial refusal to help Lily was pretty badass (well, by Rufus standards). He picks up second best line this episode with this old favourite: “You reap what you sow.” If only Lily actually did, you know, face consequences. I can wait.

Best line goes to Serena when she finally makes a sincere apology to Blair: “I’m sorry. For everything.” Yes, you should be!

Serena’s dress at Blair’s party is cute and shows off her cleavage. So Blake Lively is filling the only requirement I have of her.

The Alpha Bitches have a weird, mafia-esque respect thing between them. It’s old school GG: lame, but totally high school.

Oh, and even though it all went wrong, Ivy had a good run. Points for effort.

Gossip Girl season 6 Ivy Bart Chuck

Someone’s been watching their Once Upon a Time.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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