TV Review: Jersey Shore Season 6 Episode 9

Jersey Shore season 6 Paula Mike Situation break up

“You mean he’s not a cartoon character? Aww, man.”

So Snooki actually appears in this episode before the halfway mark.

It’s progress.

In the wrong direction!

TL;DR If there’s anything worse than the show forgetting about Snooki, it’s showing her be a stupid bitch about her situation (ah ha!) with Mike. 

Snooki needs to grow up. Both emotionally and physically. Bitch is short, yo.

So this episode is mainly about Snooki and Mike. Snooki still refuses to give Mike the time of day because of that whole, 2 season-long thing where he said they had sex when she was with Jionni. Despite the fact that nobody gives a shit anymore. Not even Jionni. And also she’s totally lying because nobody has ever come to her defence. Meanwhile, Mike has decided to break up with Paula because she’s more of a man than he is. It goes surprisingly well. And Jenni organises a surprise “Shore Shower” (like a baby shower, but not) for Snooks. It goes surprisingly well.

Holy crap I’m sick of Snooki’s bullshit. This feud has been going on since season fucking 4. We know Mike is a troll, but he’s not insane. If he was truly just trying to fuck with her, don’t you think he would have admitted it by now? Even in his sobriety he’s still standing strong. He’s not making it up.

Snooki should be the one apologising to him.

On the plus side, at least the Mike/Paula drama, while bizarre and embarrassing for Mike, is funny enough to distract from Snooki’s retardation.

Why I hate this episode:

Snooki’s hair is still appalling (see below). She just can’t do anything right, can she?

She says that Mike is not invited to the wedding. That’s just rude. If you keep pushing him out, he’s not gonna come to you to apologise. He’s just gonna do exactly what he has been doing and stand his ground. Bitch wants her cake and to eat it too.

Oh, but Vinny is apparently all good to come to the wedding. Despite having sex with Snooki multiple times on camera, once while she was with Jionni. Double standard bitch!

Deena doesn’t get drunk this episode. Devastating.

Mike takes his douchebaggery towards Paula up a few notches and decides he has to cut her loose. Oh, but he still wants to have sex with her. He reasons this is because she’s too relaxed now that they’re official. Apparently he’d rather just lead her on enough so she thinks if she behaves like he wants they’ll date again.

And she fucking agrees to it, too. Girl doesn’t respect herself.

Mike goes around telling a lot of people about his intentions to break up with Paula before telling Paula himself. When she finds out (obv) and calls him, he completely backpedals and is like “oh no, that’s not what I said.” Jerk.

Pauly has become the least relevant roommate these days. All he does is occasionally spout a tired one-liner. He contributes so little. It’s sad.

Oh, and Deena tries to give Mike relationship advice. I don’t think Deena is in any position to be doing that. Have you seen her boyfriend?

Reasons to watch:

Mike is a magnificent drama queen. No wonder Snooki doesn’t like him: he’s more dramatic than her.

And I’m not sure if I should give him points for breaking up with Paula but still keeping her as a booty call. I will. Nicely done, Mike.

Still felt a bit bad for ol’ Paula, though. She tearfully begs Mike for another chance when he’s having his talk with her. Aww.

Danny and Ronnie pay Snooki back for her always dipping out of work for her “Meatball Days” by doing it themselves. Tragic sideways caps and all. And when they’re at the bar they toast to their “Spaghetti Day.” Oh, penis jokes.

Deena freaks the fuck out when a storm rolls in. This is funny for 2 reasons: 1) Deena is a fucking weirdo. She legitimately thinks its a tornado. 2) Hurricane Sandy. Awkward laughter.

Both Mike and Pauly describe Mike’s perfect girlfriend as being someone who is exactly like his sister Melissa. At least he’s honest.

Vinny thinks the reason why Snooki is awkward around him is because he reminds her of her pre-pregnancy party days. God, I miss them.

When Mike goes to talk to Paula he brings the other boys and Jenni with him to the tanning salon where she works. And they are not shy about coming only to watch the fireworks. Jenni even goes for a tan while it’s happening. That’s cold. And thus, I approve.

Unfortunately it doesn’t turn out to be very eventful. Jenni gets back from her tan and asks Ron “What did I miss?” He flatly replies “Nothing good.” I lol’d.

Best line goes to Jenni when she’s describing the difference between throwing the surprise Shore Shower versus throwing Mike and Pauly’s birthday party last season. These are the only things they needed then: “Candy and strippers.” Her delivery is just so matter of fact. I want to go to there.

Snooki gets second best line when discussing how understanding the roommates are about her pregnancy: “Well, the boys don’t give a shit.” Self awareness points.

The girls can’t spell hors d’oeuvres.

Oh, and Angelina is in the teaser for next episode. I just came.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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