Film Review: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2
I feel like making fun of Twilight is too easy.
So it’s perfect for me!
TL;DR Is there a universe where Twilight would deserve a good review? 2 out of 5 stars.
But not all is lost.
So this is movie fucking 5 from a 4 book train wreck of a series. The plot picks up where Breaking Dawn Part 1 left off. Bella is a vampire now so goes through the whole “ermagherd, I’m slightly different” shit (surprisingly, much better than goddamn Elena). She gets to know her terrifying, CGI-faced baby who grows up really fast. Jacob wants to fuck it. Maggie Grace sees the baby and is like “ermagherd, they turned a child into a vampire,” so she rats them out to the Volturi. Despite the misunderstanding, Michael Sheen still brings his warriors to Forks, while the Cullens gather up some nobodies to help them fight. And an epic, series-ending battle ensues. And holy crap, many main characters are decapitated.
But not really.
Yeeaaaaaaahhhhh. That’s not okay. For the first time in 5 fucking movies, something actually exciting and unexpected happens. Carlisle, Jasper, some of those werewolves, Dakota Fanning and even the 3 Volturi leaders die. Then we whip out to see it’s actually just a projection of the future that Michael Sheen is witnessing from Alice’s mind.
I suppose I should have known better than to think Twilight would do something worthwhile, but dammit, that battle scene was actually pretty great. Cheated doesn’t even get close to covering how fucking disappointed I was when they had the reveal.
On the plus side, though, the fight scene was alright. And there was enough unintentional hilarity (the only reason to watch Twilight) to keep me going.
Why I hate this movie:
My rage against that “lolz, just kidding” shit is tempered only by my shameful embarrassment at myself for expecting anything other than “every character lives happily ever after because teenage girls would complain otherwise” shit. Fuck.
The kid, Renesmee (Renesmee? Seriously? Oh, Stephenie Meyer), is the fucking scariest thing I’ve ever fucking seen. You thought that horrifying squid baby face from last movie was bad? Wait until you see the toddler or 10-year old version. Twilight didn’t do vampires right, but it hit the horror movie nail on the head with that CGI terror from beyond the bounds of reality. Legit nightmare material.
CGI overall gets a pretty bad workout here. The scenes of Edward and Bella running through the woods are 90s-level green screen awful. And those fucking wolves still look like the animators must have committed suicide halfway through. At least there was no telepathic wolf meeting this time.
There is no tension. Up until Maggie Grace pops up, it’s just the Bella & Edward show. All they do is be happy and have gross, pasty vampire sex. And Jacob just rolls around being a pedo. There’s no internal conflict whatsoever.
Worse, the external conflict (the Volturi) is based entirely on a minor misunderstanding.
Worse, this misunderstanding is resolved almost instantly once someone actually bothers to tell Michael Sheen the truth (that Renesmee is a living child).
Worse, for Michael Sheen to believe the truth, they bring out some random dude who also happens to be a half vampire/human thing that Alice just happened to find lying around. So we get not 1 but 2 Deus Ex Machinas, both caused by Alice. Bitch.
There is a flood of useless minor characters. Because having a whole family of vampires with threadbare personalities wasn’t enough. No, we need a collection of international stereotypes to really fill this shit up.
Oh, vampires are apparently magic now. While the Cullens’ abilities have been psychic-ish powers, we now have vampires who can go Pikachu on your ass, one of them can control the elements (like, water and fire and shit. Wtf?) and Cameron Bright can now emit black smoke from his hands. Okay…
Bella’s power is to mute the effects of other vampires’ powers. Talk about sucking the energy out of a scene (ah ha!).
Cameron Bright and Dakota Fanning are clearly older. Unavoidable, but it was obvious.
Bella is a fucking cunt to her dad. She wants to pretend she died so she can go fuck Edward in peace. How the hell are you our hero? You are a piece of shit. You fucking selfish dumb slut dickhead.
Oh, and why didn’t the Cullens just leave Forks once they knew the Volturi were coming? It’s not like they didn’t have enough time.
Reasons to watch:
It’s the last one. It’s finally over. We did it, baby. We survived. I didn’t think we could make it after New Moon, but we did.
If there’s 1 thing Twilight has always gotten right, it’s being fabulously terrible. To the point where watching it is enjoyable. I lol’d IRL many, many times. My favourite would have to be when the Cullens are explaining how the Volturi dealt with children who had been turned into vampires. We have a flashback on screen of Dakota holding one of them, then nonchalantly throwing it into a fire. The characters (Maggie Grace and her family) in the scene are mortified, but it’s honestly the funniest thing I’ve seen in a movie all year. It’s sublime.
The fight-scene-that-never-was is actually almost awesome. The action is done well. The CGI running doesn’t look so bad against the snowy backdrop. There’s vampires getting decapitated, wolves gettin’ beat up. As far as action scenes in melodramatic teen romance movies, this is up there.
The battle starts out with Carlisle charging Michael Sheen and getting promptly decapitated. Brilliant. Jasper dies too. This is funny because he is meaningless and his face is weird. He always looks like he’s trying to be way too intense.
I actually felt bad for Dakota when she died. Poor little bitch.
Lee Pace pops up as one of the Cullens’ cronies. Still hot. Pushing Daisies was awesome. Please get better roles.
Taylor Lautner gets the abs out. Obligatory but welcome.
Oh, and at the end they do a full cast credit for every character over the whole series. It was a good way to end it. And they totally credited Victoria twice, because they had to. I lol’d.
It’s Twilight. Duh. But it’s the last one. Just go watch it and get it over with. 2 out of 5 stars.