TV Review: Gossip Girl Season 6 Episode 5

Gossip Girl Sage Cotillion Blair dress slut

I am happy to oblige.

Holy shit, I finally figured out how to put black bordering on the text in my images. Only took me fucking 6 months.

Oh, what? Gossip Girl? Oh yeah.

Sometimes I forget that this show exists.

You know how that is.

TL;DR Sage puts her powers of fucktardery to good use and breaks Serena and Steven the fuck up. This episode is thus perfection. Also, Dan and Blair drama.

Always with the Dan and Blair drama. Who knew, after falling in love with season 1, that we’d end up with that as a major plot point? Ah, soap operas.

So the plot this week is mostly about Serena and Steven. Serena finds an engagement ring and deduces that Steven is going to propose to her (she is correct). Sage gets wind of this and sets out to SHUT. DOWN. EVERYTHING. Blair also finds out and tries to ruin it too, but it turns out she was only doing it to test Steven’s loyalty. Not Sage, though. She steals Georgina’s phone and gets her grubby little slut hands on that video of Serena and Dan fucking, then plays it at Cotillion. Cue Serena and Steven breakup up, Blair forever denouncing Dan (at least until next episode, because this shit is endless) and Nate dumping Sage. Everybody wins! Meanwhile, Chuck accepts Ivy’s help in bringing down Bart and Lily. It fails, naturally.

Who would have thought that a Sage-centric episode would make me so not-unhappy? I’ve really grown up.

Luckily for me, Serena is still in this show, so is obviously a shitstorm of stupidity. She wants to get fucking married? Married!? What the fuck? Serena’s, what, 22? No 22 year old wants to marry some 40ish loser she’s only been dating for a few months (and most of that time she was lying her ass off to him). Serena is fortunate that random drama always causes her boyfriends to disappear, or she might have to stick with her terrible decisions.

Worse, Lily and Blair both support the marriage. Blair even organises a whole scheme that looks like she’s trying to sabotage the proposal just to test Steven’s loyalty. Sure, Sage goes rogue and fucks the whole thing (thank god), but considering Serena and Blair’s rocky relationship, Blair should have pulled the pin herself. Bullshit.

But any time Serena is deprived of happiness is a good time for me. Always.

Why I hate this episode:

Goddammit, Serena. Really? You really want to get married?

Really?

Dan’s sub plot has Georgina pestering him to send in the Blair chapter of his book to be published. He sends in the Chuck chapter instead, which turns out to be a glowing review of his battle against the evil Bart. And it fails to mention Blair at all. What a fucking pussy kiss-ass. Looks like Evil Dan is gone already. Boo.

The “Lily and Steven totally fucked” thing is tossed aside already, too. Weak.

Chuck and Ivy’s plan to trick Bart into thinking Lily is conspiring with Chuck fails miserably. They barely get any traction before Lily stamps it out and affirms her support for Bart. What happened to the whole “he’s my son” thing from last episode, Lil? None of these characters can commit to anything.

Georgina is a seasoned phone thief. There’s no way Sage would have been able to lift hers so easily. Plot induced stupidity at its most blatant.

Following on from her selfish destruction of Blair’s fashion show, Serena serves up this little tidbit of unrivaled cuntishness when she thinks Blair is harming her relationship with Steven: “So you get to ruin my future to sell dresses?” Umm, bitch? Taking over your mother’s fashion house is a future, not marrying some old dude you scammed over the Summer into thinking you’re not a trashbag with tits. Step. The. Fuck. Off.

Rufus apparently owns a gallery again? So many throwbacks to earlier seasons! Nostalgia/recycling!

Oh, and it looks like Serena/Dan is back on. FFS.

Reasons to watch:

Serena and Steven break up.

Nate and Sage break up.

Blair and Dan are apparently done forever.

At the very least, I hope Steven and Sage are done for good. Run away and never return. Because you’re crap and your story arc is over.

The nostalgia train is making all stops, it seems. Cotillion is a throwback to one of the more memorable episodes of season 1. So many memories. Memories of better seasons. Ahhh…

Chuck teaming up with Ivy was fun. Ivy needs more team-ups. She’s resourceful and has absolutely no shame or dignity left. She’s the perfect co-conspirator.

She almost pulls off her “leave fake evidence suggesting Chuck was at Lily’s” plan, but Bart interrupts her. He promptly asks “Who are you?” I lol’d.

Blair and Georgina’s Cotillion dresses are cute. Serena’s isn’t, which works for me.

Sage’s dress (the one Blair designed) is hot as fuck, even on her skanky ass little no-tits frame. Chuck that shit on Serena. Then I might give a fuck about her being around. It also wins Blair some much needed buyers for the fashion line. But Eleanor isn’t happy with the new direction. Fashion drama!

Blair says, once and for all, that she’s done with Serena. Like, on a a scale from 1 to Sammi, she’s Sammi punching Ron in the face. It better stick.

Dan smacks Blair down (again) after she gets on her high horse about him fucking Serena in the video. She says that they’ll never be together, and he doesn’t even wait a breath before he shoots back that she’s going to be alone because Chuck will never be satisfied in his quest to destroy his father. She tries to play it off by saying she’d be happier alone than with Dan, but it’s obvious she’s lying. Burn.

Steven picks up best line here with this shredding of Serena following Sage playing the video: “Excuse me if I don’t take parenting advice from a woman who recorded herself having sex with her ex to get revenge on her best friend.” The truth hurts, doesn’t it Serena?

Blair slags her off, too, when she’s talking to Lily: “We need to look after her because she is incapable of looking after herself.” And Lily doesn’t refute it.

And Sage is no slouch, either. She’s not too impressed when Steven insists on Serena coming with them to Cotillion: “So much for me being the only teenager on my father’s arm.” Impudence!

And you know what? I gotta give Sage some serious props this episode. She manages to sever 3 irritating relationships with 1 little video. And bonus points for stealing the video from Georgina. And triple extra cherry-on-top points that the video was made and kept by Serena herself. She may be a bratty tramp, but bitch gets shit done.

Gossip Girl Georgina Sage Cotillion

Thanks, cunt.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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