TV Review: The Vampire Diaries Season 4 Episode 5

The Vampire Diaries Jeremy Connor hostage Mystic Grill

“This definitely won’t incite murderous wrath from everybody. What?”

Eh, this episode didn’t really make me feel anything.

Jeremy gets taken hostage for, like, the zillionth time. There’s just so little tension anymore.

But Elena does get some neck snapping action, so stick around for that.TL;DR Connor pushes his luck way too far and is finally killed. Stefan and Damon decide to work together. Elena gets to wangst in between patches of usefulness. Welcome to the middle 14 episodes.

First 4 and last 4 are the only ones with any bite. That’s how TVD do.

Unfortunately.

So this episode sees Connor take Jeremy, April and Matt hostage at the Grill in an attempt to lure out and kill some vampires. He wants to see the rest of his tattoo. His plan goes about as well as you’d expect. Elena eventually breaks up the party and follows Connor into the catacombs to snap the shit out of his neck. Stefan had been trying to keep Connor alive so Klaus could use the tattoo to find the cure to vampirism, so he’s gon’ be in trouble. Damon is let in on the plan and decides he and Stefan should go look for another hunter, unaware that Jeremy now has the invisi-tats going on. Meanwhile, Klaus digs up Alexander’s sword over in Italy, and Tyler faces girl drama when Caroline runs into Hayley. And Bonnie goes to visit Professor Evil to try to hypotise up some magic.

Is anyone else sick of Jeremy being the chew toy for all of Elena’s enemies? He and Alaric shared that role because they both had those immortality rings, but now that Alaric’s gone, Jeremy has to pick up the slack all by himself. Elena even explicitly says that Jeremy is the only thing she has left to care about. He’s such a convenient plot obstacle. “Oh, it looks like our heroes could do something badass/actually progress the story. Oh noes, Jeremy iz in dangerrrr!!!”

At least Elena finally gets to provide help that isn’t in the Bella-esque form of “I’ll hurt myself to distract the baddie.” She snaps that neck like a bitch fiend from hell.

Why I hate this episode:

But Elena likes to have her badassery and cry about it, too. Must have learned that move from Stefan. She pretty much has a total breakdown when she’s trying to bury Connor’s body. She finally did what she didn’t want to do: kill somebody. Uh, bitch? You’ve seen pretty much everyone you love get horribly murdered around you (even you were murdered, yourself). How much could you really give a shit about offing some dickhead who was single mindedly trying to kill your brother and best friends? Fucking suck it up, you whiney axe wound.

The Bonnie plot line is boring and uneventful. It’s pretty much just her sitting in Prof’s office while she swears that she isn’t affected by hypnosis, only to see that she has, in fact, been hypnotised. This repeats more than once. Bonnie has trouble learning simple patterns. Must be a witch thing.

April turns up (again) just to remind us (again) how much of a useless sack of meat she is (again). This is the 2nd time in 5 episodes that she’s been used as bait by Connor. And the 2nd time she’s been compelled to forget about it. I didn’t know Mystic Falls was operating a regional Rent-a-Victim franchise.

Jeremy gets all PMS-y when he finds out he was compelled during his time sketching Connor’s tattoo. He even starts to get buddy-buddy with Connor. You are too dumb to live. Just do it already, writers.

The Caroline/Tyler/Hayley sub plot is a bit too frivolous considering, you know, the hostage situation (complete with explosions and werewolf venom) is going on at the same time. And Hayley has no social grace. She’s too haughty to care about.

Connor has some sob story about how his good friend was turned into a vampire by one of his marks. And he killed his friend. Too bad, so sad. Don’t try to make me care about him. This isn’t The X Factor.

Oh, and although Elena eventually does kill Connor, she still gets to fail miserably at it for no reason a scene earlier. Because vampires aren’t as strong as a buff, independent black man who don’t need no vampires.

Reasons to watch:

Caroline does get to live her Mean Girls fantasy when she acts all uppity around Hayley and Tyler. She’s like “Gurl, you best not be steppin’,” and Hayley’s like “I be steppin’ wherevah I wanna step, ho –around the world snaps-.” Because high school drama waits for no man. Not even undead horrors.

Prof warns Connor not to harm Bonnie. He says he has plans for her. Just make her evil already. Then we can see her die in a climactic and heart-wrenching battle. Probably in a forest or abandoned mansion.

Stefan and Elena have a scene where they write (and narrate, for our benefit) parallel diary entries. I don’t think we’ve seen that since fucking season 1. Nice callback.

Klaus finds the sword. And it only took him 1 episode. At least some characters are still efficient.

Tyler decides he wants to help (with Hayley’s assistance) all Klaus’ hybrids break their sire bonds. That’s really magnanimous. I’m sure the maybe 3 hybrids left that haven’t been arbitrarily killed (oh wait, 1 dies this episode. Mark him off) will appreciate it.

Speaking of a hybrid dying, Connor blows him up with a werewolf venom dirty bomb thing, then shoots a fist-sized hole clean through his torso. It’s disgustingly impressive.

Even though it’s because of compulsion, April’s concern for Rebeka’s whereabouts (Klaus daggered her, if you forgot) is adorable. Poor Rebeka.

After Connor sends his “I’ve got the hostages, bitches” text, the gang are able to quickly and quietly drag in some hybrid backup and the full cooperation of the Mystic Falls police (via Caroline’s mum). So they can get shit done if they really want to.

Jeremy gets shot. I lol’d.

Elena killed somebody and now hates herself (so much to even have a guilt-induced hallucination that someone has scrawled “killer” on her bathroom mirror in blood). I lol’d.

Jeremy gives April his vervain bracelet. Aww.

Best line goes to Damon with this inquiry as to the whereabouts of Bonnie: “So where’s the Wicked Witch of the West?” Damon understands foreshadowing.

Oh, and Stefan and Damon finally find a reason to work together. Which is satisfying, even if that reason is Elena.

The Vampire Diaires Stefan blowjob face

The shippers in the audience will be happy to know that Damon is the only other character in this scene. God bless screen caps.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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