TV Review: American Horror Story Season 2 Episode 4

Zachary Quinto’s character actually does something this episode! Yay!

That “something” is try to repress Sarah Paulson’s character’s homosexuality through demeaning genitalia fondling!


There’s dick and balls involved. Of course, yay!

TL;DR We get some important back story for Frenchie, Cromwell is getting heat from his prositute abuse (which means cops aren’t useless in this universe. A first), and I finally learned Evan Peters’ character’s name.

It’s Kit. So I will be calling him Kit from now on. Becasue it means less typing for me. Did you not realise I was incredibly lazy?

So the plot this episode focuses on a new patient at Briarcliff. It’s Anne Frank. Like, she actually thinks she’s Anne Frank. And girl thinks she recognises none other than Dr Cromwell from her time at a Nazi death camp. Compelling testimony ensues. Enough so that bitch-ass Lange even comes to believe her. Meanwhile, Kit and Frenchie get cozy. She tells him a (false) version of why she’s at the asylum, which involves some guy axe-murdering up her family. Surprise! She really did it herself because her dad molested her and her stepmom didn’t believe her claims. Ouch. They also get caught having sex in the kitchen. Rude and unsanitary. Meanwhile, Quinto uses his powers of mind medicine to quickie cure Paulson so she can get out. It doesn’t go well (like, “a lesbian trying to finger herself while touching a retard’s junk” not well). But he says he’s just gonna fake her recovery and free her anyway. Chivalry isn’t dead. Oh, and Cromwell is turning Sevigny into some zombie thing.

You know what? I say go with it RE: the Anne Frank thing. Sure, it’s fucking ridiculous and probably insensitive (holocaust references only go down well in overly serious, 3 hour long depression-inducing best picture nominess. Or Quentin Tarantino movies) but I don’t think American Horror Story gives a fuck. Plus, she makes some pretty solid claims against Cromwell, who we already know to be fucking weird. I buy him as a Nazi torture doctor.

But the Frenchie back story thing is a bit hard to swallow. And Kit doesn’t even really care that she chopped up her parents with a motherfucking axe. He’s like “Yeah, you had no choice. It’s cool. Wanna fuck again?” Run, Kit!

Why I hate this episode:

There are other options, Frenchie. Like not committing double homicide and getting thrown into the worst mental asylum ever. Just a thought for next time.

Although I’m happy to roll with the Anne Frank thing, it’s still goddamn weird. Looks like American Horror Story is taking the Once Upon a Time approach to introducing new characters.

Quinto goes from “only sane man” to “most crazy pervert” pretty fast. “Hey Sarah Paulson, I don’t believe you belong in here and I want to help you get out. Here’s a random male patient’s penis. Jack him off while fingering yourself. It totally won’t be traumatic.”

Compounded when, after his plan fails horribly (shocker), he pretty much just lols it off and is like “meh, let’s fake it and spring you anyway.”

And seriously, Paulson. Why haven’t you already tried faking some heterosexuality to get out already? Surely it would have been an option you’d consider. Hell, up until last episode you even had Sevigny around to give you some tips. Lazy. She initially refuses Quinto’s suggestion because she’s too proud of being a lesbian. Bitch, you’re in the fucking American Horror Story asylum. Fucking fake it and leave.

Quinto continues to shine when he says he wants to make a case for Kit having committed the Bloodyface murders because of pressure from society. So he genuinely believes Kit did it, but it’s not his fault because people are mean wah. I think it’s time we had a look at his credentials.

Continuing on from her not noticing Skitty’s transformation, Lange actually praises the changes Skitty has made (in regard to enjoying punishing the patients, not being a slut). There are no good authority figures here, clearly.

There are no scenes in the present day. I want to know what’s happening with Bloodyface.

In addition to being cool with Frenchie’s cold-blooded murder of her family, Kit even says he admires her for having the strength to do something about her situation. I’m starting to think he does belong in an asylum, after all.

Oh, and Lange (seriously. Like, she actually wants to do this) thinks the best punishment for Kit and Frenchie after they’re caught banging in the kitchen is to have them sterilised. I fucking shit you not. That’s just fucking weird and cruel.

Reasons to watch:

Anne Frank is a boss. She knows nobody will believe her wild tale, but goes on with it anyway. Even Lange ends up believing her. And after stirring up trouble for calling Cromwell a Nazi war criminal, he abducts her and tries to pull what he did to Sevigny on her. Turns out bitch is packin’ and she fucking shoots him in the leg. Girl power!

She finds a monster-fied Sevigny (see below) in his torture chamber, who begs for her to kill her. Earlier on, Cromwell says that the procedure he’s performing on Sevigny will possibly make her immortal (and presumably, one of those woods monsters we saw last episode). What is he up to?

The hooker Cromwell tormented actually did something about it and called the detectives on him. And they listened. You never get that in horror movies. Feels good, man.

The detectives just keep adding to their good will when they tell Lange they don’t believe Kit is guilty of the Bloodyface killings. They reason that someone with medical training would be more suited to the profile of a skin and head removing mutilator. Somebody like Dr Cromwell. Somebody like a Nazi murder surgeon. It’s all coming together!

Despite his appalling incomptence, Quinto does promise Paulson that he’s getting her out. Hopefully he can make good on that.

Anne Frank says Cromwell’s German name was Hans Gruber. Die Hard reference? Cool.

The Kit/Frenchie sex scene and the Paulson “treatment” scene make up the required sexual content for this episode. Still haven’t gotten any titties yet, though.

Joseph Fiennes is finally back, and while he rebuffs Lange’s claims about Anne Frank, it turns out he’s really in on the whole thing Cromwell has going on and warns him about the detectives. Bastard! More deets plz.

He picks up best line, too. He doesn’t buy Lange’s story about Anne: “Where is she now? Hiding in the attic?” Fucking burn.

Lange symptathises with Kit about his lost memories from the night of his “abduction.” Get it? Because she’s an alcoholic.

And seriously, what the fuck is Cromwell doing to these people? What is his goal!?

American Horror Story Asylum Chloe Sevigny zombie monster

“No more Sage. No more!”

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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