Film Review: Snow White & The Huntsman

Snow White & and the Huntsman Kristen Stewart face rabbit teeth

“Wha? Twilight’s ending? Kristen sad! I have to actually say that I’m sad, because my face is incapable of portraying that emotion. Or any emotion.”

Oh. God.

I have been looking forward to making fun of this for so long. In fact, I already have.

So you can imagine my disappointment when I found out it really isn’t that terrible.

There is no justice in this world.

TL;DR Action is surprisingly satisfying, performances get the job done. Charlize looks hot. Kristen Stewart, obviously, brings almost the whole thing undone. 2 out of 5 stars.

That 3 star markdown is all you, K-Stew. Well, and the bloated running time and endless greyness.

So the plot takes on the familiar Snow White shit. King has a beautiful daughter and wife. Wife dies. King marries hot slut. Hot slut kills the king (on their wedding night. Couldn’t even get his dick wet) in this one. Then she assumes the throne and is very unsubtle about being an evil witch demon. Snow White eventually escapes, befriends the Huntsman the Queen sends after her, leads Dwarves and beta-love-interest into battle. Kills Queen. The end.

Let’s just get straight to the fatal flaw of this movie: casting.

If you recall your fairy tales correctly, the Queen is motivated to get rid of Snow White because she is “fairer.” While this adaptation seems to play the “fairer” thing as a purity of heart issue too, there’s still the whole “Snow White is more attractive than the Queen” element. Which the casting agents clearly forgot about.

If you haven’t guessed my point yet, here it is: Kristen Stewart IS NOT more attractive than Charlize Theron.

Even olded up, Charlize is still hotter. Kristen Stewart can be a beautiful girl, but once she gets that “vaguely worried/constipated” look on her face (which is her entire range. Have you not seen Twilight?), plus those rabbit teeth, it all falls apart.

What the fuck, casting agents? What the fuck.

In its defence, this movie really isn’t all that bad, though. A lot of stuff could have been cut out, but the director (Kristen Stewart cheating joke goes here) does a good enough job with the uninspired shit he has to work with.

And by “shit” do I mean Kristen or the scripts. So many layers!

Why I hate this movie:

Kristen Stewart does a British accent. Oh my.

Her character doesn’t really do anything, either. She escapes from the castle because the guards are epically incompetent, then just stumbles from plot point to plot point, male protector to male protector, until she finally gets a chance to stab Charlize in the heart.

The worst example of the writers remembering this and trying to correct it comes when Kristen tries to make her big, rallying speech. Keep in mind that the only reason she’s alive is because a man kissed her dead body (and the only reason she died is because she was busy getting her pash on with a different man). She’s all “fight for your country and freedom blargh!” but it has no impact for 2 reasons. 1) It’s Kristen Stewart delivering it in a crap British accent. 2) You were just killed by an apple. An. Apple. You are not qualified to be a military leader.

Compounded when she leads the charge into battle, despite having zero combat training (apart from Hemsworth’s little “in the heart” trick he taught her once without practice). Awkward.

There is a fuckton of CGI bullshit. Even the fucking birds are CGI. Everything Charlize gets within 2 metres of is suddenly CGI. The troll scene is probably the worst. Because it again proves that Kristen is useless in combat. She gets its attention and just stands there. Luckily for her, it just walks away.

The King (Kristen’s father) is a huge pervert. He finds Charlize as a prisoner after defeating her fake army (he doesn’t know she’s evil yet. Duh) and promptly marries her the next day. Umm, if she was a real prisoner (which, remember, is what he thinks) she’s gonna need more than 12 hours to get over her ordeal and be wedding-ready. No wonder she hates men.

Everything is grey and boring.

Hemsworth finds Kristen within 3 minutes of being in the dark forest. Tension = non-existent.

The dwarves only exist for some stunt casting. They contribute nothing but wasted screen time.

Kristen has 2 love interests (Hemsworth and some guy she knew when they were little). Because Twilight is going to follow this bitch around whether she likes it or not.

Hemsworth kisses Kristen’s dead body while drunk. Necrophilia subtext abounds.

Oh, and even though it was inevitable, I was still super pissed when Kristen finally killed Charlize. Blue-blooded bitch.

Reasons to watch:

Charlize’s character is actually decently developed and far more compelling than Kristen’s. She started off poor and oppressed. Her mother uses a spell on her that will make her powerful due to her beauty. The spell will be broken by someone fairer, so that explains why Charlize is so hell bent on sucking bitches’ youth.

Charlize feels genuine sorrow when she has to kill her brother (they’re linked or something, so when Hemsworth impales him, Charlize breaks his regenerating ability to save herself). Those are tears, Kristen.

She also has a weirdly awesome girl power vibe going on. When she kills the King she has a monologue about how men treat women badly (considering he married her 5 seconds after she was a prisoner of war, girl’s got a point. Also, medieval female oppression). Also, the fact that a woman can only be powerful through their beauty (the whole point of the Snow White tale, natch) makes her do terrible things to hang onto it.

And during her meeting with Hemsworth, he scoffs at her proposal to track a prisoner in the dark forest because they would have no chance of surviving. When she mentions it’s a woman, he pretty much laughs in her face. And she gets pissed off. Feminism!

She is also a ridiculous brat bitch. Makes Julia Roberts’ version look positively prim.

Also, I see a running theme of me being in support of the evil queen (this, Mirror Mirror and Once Upon a Time). Because their characters are developed beyond “they’re the good guys. You should like them,” which is what the heroes get saddled with. I like evil queens. Get used to it.

Charlize also kicks the shit out of Kristen during their final battle. I was happy.

Charlize gets almost-naked. It’s been a while.

Due to the corrupted nature of the land, there’s a shot of butterflies eating a rotting deer. Fucking lol.

There’s also some mystical white deer thing that pops up to waste some screen time. It gets shot by Charlize’s party. I lol’d.

There’s a town of women who intentionally scar themselves so Charlize won’t absorb their beauty. These feminist subtexts just won’t stop!

The castle siege battle is done impressively well. More than adequate action. I was pleasantly shocked.

Best line goes to Hemsworth, who says this to Kristen when she thinks he wants a slice of dat ass: “Don’t flatter yourself.” Kinda goes for Kristen Stewart IRL, too.

Oh, and to get Kristen to eat the apple, Charlize poses at beta-love-interest. They kiss. If that’s the closest I’ll get to a kiss between Charlize Theron and Kristen Stewart, I’ll take it.

Verdict:

If you can stomach Kristen Stewart pretending she deserves to be paid for this (despite being a colossally ungrateful cunt), and unending grey landscapes, then it’s definitely worth is just to watch Charlize prance around and be fabulous. But seriously K-Stew, this shit has to stop. Stahp it. 2 out of 5 stars.

Snow White and & the Huntsman Kristen Stewart white deer

“Why, Snow, I’m here to chew up screen time and overstuff the movie so it blows out to over 2 hours long. Because as you know, quantity is much more important than quality.”

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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