TV Review: Jersey Shore Season 6 Episode 7

Jersey Shore season 7 Jenni laughing Deena drunk

I didn’t realise Mean Girls 3 was accepting audition reels yet.

Credit to one of my friends (every time I say that and you have the same look of bewliderment. Are you that predictable? I am) for pointing this out, but Jersey is quickly becoming The Ron and Deena Show.

And I am completely okay with that.

Who would have thought that little grenade rat whose first action in season 3 was stripping in front of Mike would become the only thing about this show worth watching?

TL;DR Deena gets drunk and is a mess again. Is entertaining. Ronnie continues to be the least retarded roommate (Vinny has been usurped. By his own stupidity) and actually look like he’s having fun. Snooki has become officially irrelevant.

Seriously. I didn’t even notice Snooki hadn’t appeared in the episode yet until she popped up about halfway through. I was like “Oh yeah, I forgot she and her terrible hair were still in this show.” Burn.

So this episode is mostly about Deena being a drunk train wreck. It’s her specialty. Following her arrest, she does what any recently woken-up-to-their-problems binge drinker does and promptly binge drinks again. No jail time this time, but Mama Deena finds out and gets pissed. Deena having a drunken freak out ensues. The Jenni/Roger fight fizzles out and he even makes things better by bringing all of Jenni’s friends clubbing. Because Roger is perfect. Mike seems to still be pissed at Paula for suddenly turning into a swagfag. He vents his frustration by doing nothing to deter the advances of drunk bitches in da club. A couple of Paula’s friends witness this, but luckily they’re also drunk idiots, so Mike’s cool for now. Snooki cooks Jionni dinner. Is inconsequential.

Watching Deena roll around drunk is a joy that everyone should experience in this life. Any episode that features it gets a pass from me.

But I have to be true to myself (you should know the name of this site by now. It’s up the top if you need a refresher), so Snooki is really starting to genuinely piss me off. Her hair is SO shit. She doesn’t do anything anymore. She doesn’t even fucking live in the shore house. I don’t care about her non-event drama with Jionni. If you wanna move out, just move the fuck out.

Why I hate this episode:

If only they’d filmed it over the last week. Sandy would have taken care of Snooki for me.

As much as I love Deena being a drunk mess, her drama is completely arbitrary. It’s pretty much just her sooking over mummy being mad. Now, if something with actual impact were to go off while she was that wasted, then shit would get good. But I’m sure Jersey won’t deliver.

Mike’s situation is irritatingly contrived. Most guys would be all over a girl who was super casual about having sex on the reg. That’s why Mila Kunis is so popular among the neckbeard crowd. Obviously Mike is too much of an archaic douche to accept that women (though calling Paula a woman is like calling Snooki a mother. Doesn’t feel right, does it?) can want sex, too. She’s hot, Mike. Just shut up and have good sex every night. There is no problem there.

Deena gets way too TMI on the first of her 2 days of binge drinking (the rolling around is from day 2). She’s out with just Ronnie and she goes on and on about how boring, ugly Chris is the first guy to ever make her orgasm. First of all, bullshit. Deena has been so keen for sex since she first set foot on the show that there’s no way she’d never had an orgasm before. Second of all, nobody wants to hear that. Sure, you’re hot now, D. But no man (and most women. Don’t let Sex and the City fool you) don’t want to hear about your vagina. Just no.

Snooki somehow finds a way to mess up cooking pasta (fucking pasta, are you serious?) and crumbed chicken. This shouldn’t be possible.

Deena acts like a sprung 14 year-old at a house party when her mum insists she come home. Deena’s an adult. She can do what she fucking wants. Tell your mum to get fucked. You’re drunk, so the courage should be there.

Oh, and when describing Deena, Vinny uses the word “obliviated.” You used to be smart.

Reasons to watch:

If Deena stops drinking, this show is dead.

Watching her go from euphoric, to scared after receiving the phone call from mum, to asleep, to waking up and wondering how she got home, to rolling on the floor, to being on the phone to boring, ugly Chris, to flipping her fucking shit at Ron when he laughs at her is amazing. Girl knows how to please her fans.

She also drunkenly talks to a cop. Ballsy.

Danny gets her an orange jumpsuit (get it? Because she was recently arrested?) to wear at work. She takes it well.

On her way to work, she uses a plastic shopping bag to keep her hair dry. Not an umbrella, not a hat, not anything that requires money or a shred of class. She wraps a shopping bag around her head. This is why we love her.

Vinny and Pauly decide to prank Deena by taking her photos of her and boring, ugly Chris and replacing them with similarly-posed photos of themselves. This involves some awkward almost-kisses between the 2. Just be honest with yourselves, already!

Deena gets back early, so they have to distract her while they replace the photo frames. This leads to the best line of the episode, which goes to Vinny: “You could get a laser pointer and put in on the ground and Deena would be distracted.” I want them to try this.

Deena laughs at the prank, too. Because she’s a good fucking sport.

Paula’s friend Whitney is a tough bitch (well, she pretends to be). She is trying to live up to her name.

Mama Deena, though completely oblivious to how little power she should be able to wield over her adult daughter, is pretty scary when she gets going. Sammi is clearly terrified when she admits to leaving Deena out on the boardwalk by herself and smashed.

And when Mama Deena says to her daughter “Pack your fuckin’ bags, I’m comin’ to get ya,” even I was scared.

Ronnie calls Deena out on her constant, ridiculous fits of tears. And I think it’s because he’s both naturally pragmatic and a good friend to her. Roger may have some competition for my heart.

Oh, and Snooki’s brilliant plan to fix her cooking problem is to sit down and call her dad. While the food is still burning on the stove. Her serenity is impressive.

Jersey Shore Snooki cooking smoke burnt

“What do you mean ‘come November it won’t matter’?”

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

4 responses to “TV Review: Jersey Shore Season 6 Episode 7”

  1. Scott says :

    I’m hoping rumours of the Ronnie and Sammi spinoff eventuate into something after how this season has been going.

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