Film Review: The Amazing Spider-Man

The Amazing Spider-Man Andrew Garfield Emma Stone shirtless

No shit, this actually happens. Gwen’s a bit of a freak in the bedroom, apparently.

Edit: So apparently I’m as forgetful as the makers of this film were hoping I was (so that I’d forget the last movie only came out 5 years ago? It’s a joke) because I complained about there not being a shirtless scene when, as you can clearly see just above this text, there is. I’m an idiot.

-insert standard reboot-related whingeing here-


But not really.

TL;DR Effective at everything it works for, this is enjoyable all the time. But seriously, fucking reboots. Amirite? Also, it’s over 2 hours long. 4 out of 5 stars.

Reboot reboot reboot.

So the plot is at least a little different to the Tobey Maguire version from a mere 10 years ago. Swap out Kirsten Dunst as red headed bitch for Emma Stone as blonde haired bitch. Swap Green Goblin for Lizard thing. Swap actual web for fake web. That’s about it.

Alright alright, I’ll do it properly.

So Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield) gets bitten by a science-ified spider. Gains powers. Is horny for Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone). Her dad is a cop (Dennis Leary). Uncle Ben dies, Peter goes vigilante. And Rhys Ifans is some scientist who accidentally turns himself into a CGI lizard and wants to infect the city with it. CGI action sequences ensue.

You know, I actually did really have a good time with this movie. The action is fine, the acting is fine, the casting is good, the plot is tolerable. But it’s just really like “why?” Why did they decide to make a Spider-Man reboot now? It doesn’t have anything new to say or show us. It’s just Spider-Man doing what a spider can (I spent all day on that one. Be impressed).

It’s only been 5 years since the last one. Give us a fucking break, guys.

The only significant difference is that Spider-Man is a wangsty hipster instead of a lovable nerd.

But apart from being offensively unnecessary, this is a well-rounded action movie. The action scenes are sublime. Even if they are CGI fests.

Why I hate this movie:


Also, because I actually did have a really good time, I’m gonna nitpick like the fucking stupid cunt I am. Enjoy!

Hipster loser Peter Parker sucks. He cries at 3 separate times during the movie (at 43 mins in, when he sooks about his daddy issues. At 48 mins in, when Uncle Ben dies. And at 2 hrs and 2 mins, when he sooks about having to break up with Gwen). And it’s not manly tears. It’s “I’m an over-sensitive emo teenager” tears. Unattractive.

Sally Field is Aunt May, and yes she’s a good actress. But damn, time has not been kind to her. She looks like somebody locked a bulldog in a sauna for 20 hours.

To get into the tour group at Oscorp, Peter steals the name badge for some Rodrigo guy and pretends to be him. When Peter witnesses real Rodrigo being dragged kicking and screaming (away from a very prestigious internship at an important and respected company) he fucking laughs. You fucking dick. You just ruined some guy’s future, and you goddamn giggle? Fuck you.

Speaking of interns, Gwen (who is a high school student) apparently has enough free time to be head intern at Oscorp. Plot. Hole. Unless Oscorp is really good with after school care.

Peter takes a random photo of Gwen when she isn’t looking (because being a photographer means he’s sensitive). He belongs in r/creepshots.

There’s a whole unit in Oscorp devoted to making the superfibre from the magic spiders. Really? The movie doesn’t even show its real world applications (I don’t consider superhero accesorising to be part of their market research). They just have a giant room of spiders making some shit. Awkward.

Peter doesn’t get a shirtless scene. Tobey wins.

The CGI really only falls apart when the Lizard shows up. Good god, way to break the immersion.

The Lizard finds out Spider-Man is Peter because Peter labels his fucking camera. Dumbass.

Oh, and as Leary’s dying wish, he asks Peter to stay away from Gwen. He says he will, but the ending reveals that they’re still seeing each other. Rude. Like, breaking a death bed promise rude. Rude.

Reasons to watch:

Get your action here. This movie has all the action.

The Spider-Man fight choreography is 100% mesmerising. It’s just unbelievably fluid. The fight in the school would have to be the standout sequence. It’s simply beautiful.

The combination of practical effects and CGI give the action scenes a thankful dose of credibility. And much to my disappointment, the CGI is so good sometimes that even I had a hard time telling it apart from the actual stuntmen. Fuck.

Gwen and Peter are both hot.

Their first kiss is pretty awesome. Peter reveals he is Spider-Man somehow simultaneously with pulling Gwen in for a pash. Was hot.

Sally Field and Martin Sheen gel well together. I believed them as a couple. Which makes Ben’s death (which felt so arbitrary) actually have impact.

Norman Osborn gets brought up a couple of times in dialogue. He’s dying and Ifans’ research might help cure him. I want to know what happened to him. Sequel me.

Chris Zylka shows up as the bully (something he’s had practice at). Although he learns from his mistakes and actually befriends the protagonist. No spike in the face this time, bitches.

Dennis Leary is perfect as the stern father/incredulous police captain. And he actually comes to the party by the end: he backs up Peter when he’s in the final battle with the Lizard. Shotgun toting and all. Boss.

Early on, Peter saves a kid from a bridge attack by the Lizard. The father is a construction worker who later repays the favour by lining various cranes up to give Spider-Man a fast route to Oscorp. Pretty awesome.

Gwen proves to not be a useless ovary bag. During the school battle, she attacks the Lizard with a trophy. And when she’s at Oscorp creating the cure for Ifans’ toxin and learns that the Lizard is on his way there, she decides to evacuate the tower and finish the mission. And she does a pretty good job of barricading/defending herself, even though she fails. Good work, Gwennie.

Ifans, having been depowered, saves Peter from falling off the building. Aww.

Best line goes to Dennis Leary. He doesn’t believe the reports of the Lizard are legit: “Do I look like the mayor of Tokyo to you?” Get it? Because Godzilla? You get it.

Oh, and this helps.


But still, why? 4 out of 5 stars.

The Amazing Spider-Man Peter Parker pose

“Now I know how Scarlett feels.”

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

7 responses to “Film Review: The Amazing Spider-Man”

  1. Anonymous says :

    but he does get a shirtless scene, you even posted it at the top of your review

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