TV Review: Once Upon a Time Season 2 Episode 5
Regina’s back, bitches!
God, that’s the way it should always be.
It’s almost embarrassing how much more interesting she is than Emma and Snow. I don’t think anyone’s surprised that she’s more interesting than David.
Because David is shit.
TL;DR Regina is back and it’s all about her! I’m in heaven. Also, a new literary world has been added to the multi-realm. Spoiler alert, it’s Frankenstein.
Frankenstein? Really? I thought Alice in Wonderland was pushin’ it.
So Regina is back and the Storybrooke and fairy tale flashback plots focus on her, while revealing Dr Whale’s (you remember him? Snow fucked him while under the influence of the curse? Lynch mob? Whatever) mysterious past. In flashback, we see Regina under tutelage of Rumple as she learns magic. However, she is too soft to pluck hearts (which is important for Rumple), so he ends up devising a convoluted scheme using Jefferson and pre-Storybrooke Whale to make Regina let go of Daniel (whose body she has preserved). It works. Back in Storybrooke, Regina is trying to be a good girl and not use magic. This is interrupted when Whale resurrects Daniel (and he comes back wrong). Regina must kill him to save Henry and herself. Aww. Also, Emma and Snow are back in present fairy tale time. They discover the secret village massacred, and Hook posing as the only survivor. Emma figures out his game and he decides to betray Cora. They join forces to find a way back to Storybrooke.
After the total absence of all 3 main characters last episode, I don’t think there was any way this could be more disappointing. And it isn’t. So there.
My only big gripe is the WTF choice to include fucking Dr Frankenstein as a character. Totally out of place among fairies and dwarves. This is bullshit. I could tolerate Alice in Wonderland becuause it’s all lah dee dah smoking caterpillars and anthropomorphic playing cards, but Mary Shelley’s book isn’t a fairy tale. The whole multi-realm thing is just a cop out so they can stuff in more famous characters to distract from the fact that nobody is particularly interesting outside of their gimmick. Jefferson is a huge example of that.
But, you know, Regina’s back.
Why I hate this episode:
And why is he called Dr Whale? All my Pinocchio theories are useless now!
Part of Regina’s plot involves her seeing Hopper as a kind of sponsor thing (she’s trying to quit magic). What the fuck? Hopper is the most useless character in the show. His only power is being terrible at his job. Regina doesn’t need this cockface to make herself feel better.
David takes Henry to the stables to teach him about horses/knighthood. So. Boring. Who keeps pairing these 2 up?
Regina tells David about her heart vault in Storybrooke. I mean, he kinda should have known it was already there, but still. Regina just keeps getting stupider and pussier.
It doesn’t take much for Hook to spill his entire gambit with Cora to Emma. Weak.
Oh, and Rumple contrives the entire situation with Regina and Whale and the fake resurrection procedure just to motivate her for his own purposes. Smart, but rude.
Reasons to watch:
Gosh, did you ever think you’d see so few reasons why I hate an episode of Once Upon a Time? What’s happening to me?
I’m actually going to give Emma a (very) rare pass this episode. She doesn’t do anything stupid, and is in fact helpful and very quick to take action. She knows Hook (who has been posing in the village as a blacksmith) is lying about surviving Cora’s massacre and doesn’t fuck around when it comes to getting the truth out of him. She ties him to a tree and summons an ogre. Bitch be boss as hell.
David punches Whale in the face over him fucking Snow. David finally does something worth watching.
Rumple is a twisted but fabulous Mr Miyagi to Regina’s guy from the Karate kid nobody cares about anymore. His scheme (figure out Regina wants to resurrect Daniel, introduce Jefferson who tells her about Whale, get Regina to agree to Whale’s procedure, cut a deal with Whale to fake the procedure and give him the heart as payment, end up with a highly motivated and cold Regina) is simple and entirely effective. He knows his shit.
Regina’s return to Rumple is pretty awesome. She sees he’s training some new chick, so to prove she’s ready Regina rips the bitch’s heart out and crushes it. Nice.
Despite being on an almost Ron Swanson level of puss, Regina’s tender moments in Storybrooke just make me love her even more. Her reunion with the zombified Daniel is bittersweet. And then she disintegrates his ass as a mercy kill. Fuck yeah.
Daniel chokes the shit out of Henry. Made me smile.
Whale loses an arm when Daniel attacks him initially. He goes to Gold for help in reattaching it. What does Gold want in exchange for this service? For Whale to admit that magic is better than science. Gloat that shit, Gold. Stay classy.
But is Whale being sincere? Sure, Daniel fucked up, but in flashback we see Whalenstein’s brother rising after receiving the magic heart. And remember, this isn’t the original kiss of life that Frankenstein’s monster received in the book (we’re told that this is an attempt following that one). Intrigue!