Film Review: Piranha 3DD
Oh, but I didn’t watch it in 3D. Because 3D sucks.
TL;DR It’s an insult to the last one, but there’s enough fanservice to last the thankfully short 81 minutes. 2 out of 5 stars.
I really wanted to like this. The first one was pretty much amazing. Fucking sequels.
Alright, so the plot picks up a year after the last one. Lake Victoria has become a ghost town after the piranha incident. The setting this time is at a water park near some other lake. Something something boobs piranhas Jaws 3 ripoff something unimpressive special effects something. It’s up to Danielle Panabaker to…save the day, I guess? She doesn’t really do anything.
Ugh, what a wasted opportunity. The main bummer here is that the gore sucks. The first movie took a huge amount of time to build up the frenzy (which this one makes the mistake of doing, too), but when it started, it was absolutely profound. That carnage was perfection. Lots of extras, lots of mayhem, LOTS of gore.
3DD doesn’t get any of that right. This looks like the most fucking deserted water park in the world. The few patrons that are there kind of just mill around aimlessly. How hard is it to just walk out the front gates?
And whereas the first one combined CGI and practical effects to make some of the nastiest gore you’ll ever see, 3DD takes a much cheaper route. Almost every “attack” is a shaky cam shot of some random extra grimacing, cut with a discretion shot of some bloody water and piranha, then cut to a shot of a dismembered mannequin. Fucking weak.
Oh god, and the characters are so dumb.
On the plus side, there is quite a bit of blood and guts, even if it isn’t done well. Plenty of titties, too, which is good enough for me.
Why I hate this movie:
Full disclosure, I kind of have a hard-on for Alexandre Aja (directed the first one). High Tension is magical, and The Hills Have Eyes remake is enduringly brutal. So I’m mad at 3DD for being such a failure of a sequel. Mad as, bro.
The characters are not even borderline retarded. They went full retard. The worst example has to be the black chick and the guy she hooks up with in the van. She cuffs him, then accidentally kicks out the hand brake. The exterior shots show that they’re not that close to the lake, and it takes them a decent amount of time from realising they’re moving to getting into the water. So why doesn’t she just fucking put the hand brake back on!? Fucking dumb bitch! I suppose it’s telling that when they show her body later the piranha have barely touched her. They don’t want to catch the stupid.
The guy who fucks Cerie (you know, from 30 Rock) is also far too dumb to live. He gets a piranha on his dick (from having sex with her because there was a piranha in her vagina. Long story). And not only is his reaction surprisingly subdued, his course of action is to cut his penis off (see below). Not just cut the piranha off. Cut his penis off. You know what’s more insulting? He survives.
There’s a cow that literally explodes (like, action movie, pyrotechnics explosion) from lighting its farts.
The piranha purposely attack a pier at one point to get to Panabaker and Cerie. Wtf.
Chet (Dave Koechner) is a fucking idiot. He knows exactly the danger and doesn’t do anything about it. Then when shit goes down he tries to escape with some money or something? Really? Worse, his death scene is the most bullshit piece of crap I’ve ever scene in a horror movie. Makes the Final Destination movies look sensible. He’s escaping in a fucking golf buggy and he runs into one of those flag string things (like this), which is a apparently enough to violently decapitate him. I know this movie isn’t taking itself seriously, but come the fuck on.
Zylka’s death scene is crap. He has a crisis of conscience during the frenzy, and eventually decides to help save the patrons. He then gets Barry’s spear trident thing through his head (it got flung into the air because the fat guy blew up the piranha. Long story). Worse, Panabaker and Barry don’t even give a shit. Some heroes.
None of the characters you liked from the first movie return.
Oh, and at the end there is a callback to a joke made earlier. The joke? The piranhas learning to walk. Guess what they do. For fuck’s sake.
Reasons to watch:
Lots of titties. Huge titties. It’s called Piranha 3DD for a reason.
Also, quite a bit of full frontal nudity. Some Russian bitch gets her vag out. Cerie’s sex guy gets his penis on screen, but most of it is obscured by a piranha. Close enough.
I like Daniella Panabaker. I felt bad for her when she died in the terrible Friday the 13th remake.
The Hoff easily steals the show once he turns up. He plays himself as a washed out loser who takes gigs appearing at water park openings. So meta. He also describes his appearance as “rock bottom.” Very meta.
There’s a random sub plot involving Hoff and a little red haired kid named David. Hoff likes him because he doesn’t know who he is. He later saves him from piranhas (but chastises him for being stupid enough to get back in the water after being bitten earlier). The sub plot concludes when David tries to film the walking piranha and is promptly decapitated by it. Hoff can only shake his head in apathy at David’s repeated dumbassery. I lol’d.
Vagina piranha lol.
Christopher Lloyd returns as the crazy aquarium guy. Points.
Ving Rhames also comes back and gets a brief scene where he uses his new prosthetic legs/shotguns to fuck up some piranha. I was impressed. And he survives.
There is at least a half-assed attempt to explain the piranha showing up at the water park. Apparently they’re attracted to a certain chemical that shows them where to mate. The water park is using this chemical in its water (chlorine and shit, that stuff). Points for plot effort.
The Cerie sex scene is such a clusterfuck of mistimed reactions, bad acting and vagina piranha that it’s actually enjoyable.
The best line of the movie comes from it: “Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina.” Sublime.
Second best line goes to Lloyd, whose crazy piranha ranting clip is apparently in a Youtube rivalry with another viral video. He’s just checked his views: “Take that, laughing diarrhoea baby.” I’d watch both, personally.
Hoff references being in Anaconda 3 and The Spongebob Movie when trying to tell David who he is. He also gets to Baywatch slo-mo run.
When the piranha are blown up there’s an extended slo-mo montage of them falling from the sky. It’s quietly serene.
Oh, and after being vagina piranha’d, Cerie gets a believable puke shot. They’re so rare.
If you really want piranha carnage and boobs, just watch the first one and load up some porn. 2 out of 5 stars.