TV Review: Gossip Girl Season 6 Episode 1
Speaking of Serena Van Der Woodsen, Gossip Girl is back.
TL;DR It’s still fucking terrible soap opera bullshit. Georgina’s along for the ride this time, though, so that’s cool. And it’s the final season. There is no way I wouldn’t be watching.
So we pick up where we left off last time. Chuck and Blair are back together or some shit. But not really. But maybe in the future. Or something. Blair is taking charge of her mum’s fashion company. Dan and Georgina are collaborating on a UES tell-all book. Nate is trying to track down Gossip Girl. Lily and Rufus are still estranged.
Everyone rallies together to find Serena when they discover she’s missing. They find her shacked up with some old loser who is apparently the love of her life (every old loser she dates gets that). Also, Ivy is living with Rufus and is working with Lola to destroy Lily. Or something.
So, naturally, Serena is what’s wrong with this episode (and this show). Everyone fucking falls over themselves to go find and help her when they realise she’s missing. It’s goddamn embarrassing. Literally all of them should not give a shit about her by now. Georgina gets a free pass because she’s only on the lookout for scandal. It’s pathetic that these characters still put their lives on hold to help fucking Serena.
Also, Serena is doing round 12 billion of her “I met this guy who nobody knows and is definitely the love of my life but I’ll probably break up with and forget him within 7 episodes” routine. Remember her college professor? Or that teacher she banged in boarding school? Or Armie Hammer? Or Nate’s cousin?
No, you don’t. Fuck off, Serena.
Georgina is the best thing about this show. Even if her act is getting extremely stale, it’s still great watching her breeze through and fuck everyone’s shit up.
Why I hate this episode:
Can we just kill Serena? Let’s OC that bitch.
Bart and Lily are still together. Bitch be shallow as hell.
There’s a subplot involving Bart. Something something shady business dealings in Dubai before he fake died. Nobody is watching Gossip Girl for the fucking business drama. That’s why nobody remembers Russell Thorpe from season 4 (actually, I think we’d all just like to forget season 4 completely).
Dan’s hair got worse somehow.
Blair and Chuck have some weird relationship pact thing. They want to get their individual career affairs satisfied before they get back together properly. It’s bullshit. I’m so over Chuck/Blair. Dan does call Blair out on it (see below), but I’m sick to death of their constant inability to get it together. This has been going on since the season 2 premiere FFS.
Lily is a massive bitch-cunt to Rufus. Bitch.
Nate surrenders the footage of Gossip Girl stealing her laptop (from last season) for information about Serena’s whereabouts. Weak.
Serena is a ridiculous slut piece of shit. I wanna turn my life around: lies to guy in order to fall in love. Serena logic.
Barry Watson is balding. Ew.
Part of Ivy’s scheme to wreck Lily seems to involve hooking up with Rufus. Although I like the idea, actually watching her and Rufus kiss is fucking disgusting.
Oh, and it doesn’t stop there. Dan comes back to the loft while they’re mid-coitus. Nobody needs to see Rufus doing his hot chip face while writhing, naked, under a blanket, against Ivy. THE WORLD DID NOT NEED THIS. WHY!?
Reasons to watch:
It’s the final season. You’d be so lame not to finish this shit off.
Georgina steals the best moments. She makes a joke about how pale she is while her and Dan are in Italy. And when she realises Chuck/Blair/Nate are hot on Serena’s trail, she commandeers Dan’s car and they have a short race against the limo. Cool.
When she and Blair mistakenly believe that Serena is getting married (she’s actually the maid of honour for a different couple), they interrupt the ceremony to insult the crap out of Serena. Loved it.
Chuck calls Georgina an “unstable psychopath.”
And unlike season 3, I actually like her and Dan’s team-up. Juicy.
Blair gets a shout-out line to one of Leighton Meester’s movies. She, Chuck and Nate are in the country to find Serena, and she mentions that Serena isn’t “Country Strong.” I see what she did there.
The pseudonym Serena uses while she’s lying is “Sabrina.” Guess she didn’t hate Dan’s book that much.
Rufus takes a dig at Jenny’s (remember her?) heavy eye makeup. Justified.
Dan calls Serena shallow and sad. Fucking burn!
Blair jumps on that one, too. She tries to apologise for telling Serena to fuck off last season. Serena goddamn rebuffs her, so Blair gets mad and tells her no, she isn’t sorry, and to stay fucked off. Awesome.
Best line goes to Dan. He’s frustrated at Blair for choosing Chuck: “You think you two have an epic love, but all you have are excuses.” He’s saying what we’re all thinking.
Oh, and although the image will forever be gouged into my brain, Ivy’s plan must be pretty fucking good if she’s willing to bone Rufus. Also, share my pain.