TV Review: Once Upon a Time Season 1 Episode 22

Once Upon a Time Regina crying cry Henry pillow sad

Now what will I complain about? …huh? Season 2 starts in about 2 weeks? Well, then.

Oh, thank fuck, we’re finally here.

And to be honest, this season finale does a pretty good job of redeeming this otherwise dull series.

Also, I actually felt genuine emotion for a character for the first time. I’m gettin’ soft.

TL;DR Emma fucking finally sees the light. She and Regina have to work together to save Henry, so that sucks, but there’s enough going on to keep it running. And shit gets set up for next season. Yay?

Yeah, the episode mainly focuses on Emma and Regina doing stupid shit to save Henry’s life. Fuck Henry.

So last episode Henry ate the poisoned apple turnover. Emma finally realises that all the fairy tale bullshit is real and confronts Regina. They decide to team up to find a potion that will cure Henry. Unfortunately, Gold has hidden it inside Maleficent (who has been trapped in dragon form underneath the clock tower the whole time. Because arbitrary). Back in fairy tale times, Rumple uses Charming to plant the potion inside Maleficent in return for a way to reach Snow White. And we all know how that ends.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I hate that saving Henry is the main plot point of this finale. Henry, without hyperbole (gasp!), fucking sucks. He is an endless cunt to Regina, who if you didn’t know, fucking raised him. He’s such a brat that he instantly forms a bond with Emma, who he only knows as the woman who gave him out for adoption. I can’t get over how ridiculously hard Once Upon a Time rams their relationship into our faces. I get the whole “it’s fate” thing, but he doesn’t have to be such a jerk to the woman who cared for him for his whole life.

On the plus side, something meaningful actually happens to the characters. That is, they get all their memories back. Everyone does. About time there was actually an event with any impact in Storybrooke.

And Emma finally does something right. For once.

Why I hate this episode:

Fuck you, Henry. Just…just fuck you.

You know how Emma has had a problem believing the whole fairy tale thing? Not even goddamn real-life Pinocchio could convince her. You know what does convince her? Randomly touching Henry’s story book. She’s in the hospital, the doctor’s all like “he’s not showing any signs of IRL poison lol,” then she picks up the book and suddenly has an epiphany. What the fuck?

Mary and David still can’t get it together. They have about their 26th melodramatic encounter on the street. Any points for guessing where they wind up at the end? Yep, embracing melodramatically on the street. Because nothing’s more romantic than asphalt.

Emma has to use a sword to battle Dragon Maleficent. Gold has it. He opens the case and Regina and Emma look in. Emma takes a dramatic pause and says (also dramatically) “What is that?” It’s a fucking sword, you dumbass. What the fuck did you think it was? An oversized letter opener? Fuck.

Jefferson pops in looking for his end of the deal with Regina (she used him to get the apple. Keep up). She betrays him, naturally. He is surprised by this. Because he has trouble learning patterns, apparently.

Regina doesn’t explain why Maleficent was trapped in dragon form in a hidden cave. She just says her “punishment” is “different.” Weren’t they friends? Maleficent is only powerful because of her magic. Why would Regina fear her being in Storybrooke?

Before Emma goes down to battle Dragon Maleficent, she attempts to give Regina an epic “you’re only alive because I’m letting you” threat. Bitch, don’t embarrass yourself.

After (very easily) defeating the dragon, the lift up gets stuck and Gold is there. He’s like “Regina totes betrayed you. Give me the potion or whatever. I’m cool.” Emma fucking falls for it, because she also has trouble learning patterns.

Oh, and how does the curse get broken? Emma kisses Henry on the forehead. This is supposedly true love’s kiss. 1) Ew. 2) Really? That’s all it took? God, Emma was even more incompetent than I thought. Plus, that’s a weak-ass curse. Shame on you, Rumple and Queenie.

Reasons to watch:

Something affecting finally happens! Hooray!

Even though I hate most of them, I was kinda glad to see all the Storybrookeans get their memories back. I was even glad when Snow and Charming kissed and shit (mainly because I’m sick to death of them being too pussy to make it work).

Some characters I actually liked came back. Graham/Sheriff/Huntsman appears in the fairy tale section to help Charming escape from Queenie’s castle. Poor Graham.

Belle is also back in the picture (it’s been a while). Jefferson rescues her from Regina’s underground facility thing and sends her to Gold. Their reunion is pretty sweet, and after regaining her memories, it looks like they just might make it together. Aww. Plus Emilie de Ravin is hot. Even with crap hair.

Emma attacking Regina was pretty sexy. Bit disappointed they didn’t kiss. But alas, that’s the thrill of catfights.

Regina having to bow to Gold for help, while sucking for Regina (who is awesome), is good for drama. And with him reintroducing magic to Storybrooke at the end (spurred by Regina’s imprisonment of Belle), it looks like we’ve got a new alpha villain for next season. The potion, btw, is the true love thingo that he made a while ago. I knew it would be important.

Regina’s breakdown following Henry’s revival and the town’s reawakening was super sad. After he wakes up (and Blue Bitch/Head nun tells Regina to run and hide), she tearfully tells him that no matter what anyone says, she does love him. He pretty much screws his nose up in her face. Little cunt. Poor Regina.

She does smile evilly, though, when she sees the magic mist sweeping over Storybrooke. What could she be scheming?

Soon after she’s back at home and her heartbreaking sobs into Henry’s pillow actually brought moisture to my usually Sahara-dry eyeballs. Well done, ABC.

When fighting the dragon, Emma quickly tosses the sword in favour of using her gun. It doesn’t work, but I’m gonna give her both badass points and pragmatism points. See, she’s not always a fucking piece of dumb shit.

August finally goes full Pinocchio, and it is horrifying (I told you!). Because I’m always right.

After implanting the potion, Rumple meets David and gives him a magical makeover so he looks his best for Snow. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that Rumple is into fashion, should I? He’s fabulous!

Best line goes to Emma (gross), after this set up from Gold. They’re talking about how he has some leftover magic (the love potion):
Gold: “I saved some for a rainy day.”
Emma: “Well it’s storming like a bitch. Where is it?”
It was delivered well. Give me a break, you guys.

Oh, and Henry motherfucking dies. Like, pale skin, turning off the heart rate monitor dead. Like, actually seriously hilariously dead. He gets revived by Emma’s kiss, but for a brief moment, I was truly happy.

Once Upon a Time Emma Henry dead kiss hospital poison

“We still need you for forced sentimentality and exposition.”

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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