TV Review: Pretty Little Liars Season 3 Episode 12
So I’m gonna slow this shit down and get real for a second.
You know I’m pretty cavalier about my spoilers around here.
But if you give even half a fuck about enjoying PLL and you haven’t watched this episode yet, please, for all that you hold dear, STOP READING NOW.
I fucking mean it.
Let me repeat. If you haven’t watched this episode, don’t read this review.
If you get these revelations spoiled for you, the only way out is suicide. Nothing can redeem the eternal anguish you will suffer.
So let’s do it, yo.
TL;DR Oh. My. Fucking. God. I legit can’t think of any episode of any show ever that has given me more spine-chilling OMGWTFBBQ moments than this right here. Maya’s killer is revealed, and so is another member of the A-Team. That’s how you do it, Lost. Excuse me while I change my incontinence pad.
Aria gets in an awkward situation when Maggie shows up at Ezra’s to chat. Turns out Ezra is her baby daddy. Apart from this, Aria has no impact on the episode whatsoever. Thank fuck.
Spencer finally gets on Toby’s dick. Snaps. She also leads the charge against Paige like a goddamn boss.
Hanna looks to be on for good with Caleb (poor Wren). What’s not good for Caleb is getting shot by Cousin.
Oh yeah, Emily goes on a trip away with Cousin who turns out to be…not Maya’s cousin and actually a homicidal ex-boyfriend who murdered her and has kidnapped Paige and plans to do the same thing to her and Emily because Emily scorned him and chases Emily dramatically into a lighthouse where she fatally stabs him and then he gets one shot off against Caleb because Caleb brought a gun and Cousin dies and Emily and Paige are back together and Paige isn’t A because Toby is.
That’s right, Toby is (along with at least one other?) A. Fuck.
Holy fucking shit cunt, I refuse to fault this episode. The girls make a few dumb decisions, but when the revelations are this obscenely juicy, nothing can ruin my mood.
Why I hate this episode:
This is PLL, though, so let’s quibble.
At the start of the episode Hanna, Spencer and Aria make a big deal about how they found one of Alison’s earrings in Paige’s bag (thus proving their suspicions that she’s A). Even though the find last episode was pretty shocking, having had time to think about it, I was like “what if A just planted it there?” The 3 girls never even consider this though. Extra embarrassment points because when they use it as evidence in Emily’s intervention (ikr, wtf?) Emily points out the possibility of A interference immediately then struts off. Fucking Emily burn.
Emily does get to make a couple of dumbass decisions herself, though. Firstly, she goes for a weekend trip with Cousin. Now, she doesn’t know he’s a psycho killer yet, but it’s a bit of a dick move to go on a secluded getaway with that guy your girlfriend caught you kissing and got massively upset about. Especially when you’re supposed to be gay.
Also a cock tease move because you know Cousin wants your pussy and you have zero intention of giving it to him. Rude.
When she’s trying to run away from Cousin (post “I’m a murderer” reveal) she goes to the top of a fucking lighthouse. The show tries to justify this as her looking for a high position to get phone reception to call 911, but come on. You can’t escape from there. You can’t even hide in there. Stupid.
Aria gets all stroppy about Maggie not telling Ezra about their son. Maggie could have easily outed Aria as a crazy bitch for lying about her name to get information (and even going to Maggie’s work. In a school), but she doesn’t. Aria doesn’t understand when someone’s doing her a huge favour, though, and is a royal douche to Maggie the whole time. Rude.
Caleb just puts the gun down in easy reach of Cousin. He only got stabbed in the stomach a few seconds ago, he can still do shit. Idiot.
Oh, and Mona is a total badass when she escapes the asylum to help A (Toby! OMG!), yet we don’t actually get to see her do anything. On her way back in she remarks how their opportunity was interrupted by Cousin, but Mona deserves her time to shine.
Reasons to watch:
So, Toby is A. Have I exploded about that enough already? No?
Mona is sneaking back into the asylum with her hooded accomplice. I was like “they’re probs just going to tease us. No way they’ll actually show who it is” then BAM. Toby. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
The other “fuck yeah revelations” moment is Cousin pulling a goddamn knife on Emily, admitting that he’s not Maya’s cousin, that he motherfucking killed her, and then opening the closet to reveal a bound Paige, just ripe for the knifin’. I apologise for all those times I said he was inconsequential (though I wasn’t all wrong). Didn’t fucking see that coming. It was pretty cool.
Emily does a good job of being indignant when everyone gangs up on Paige. Doesn’t hurt that she was right. Massive “I told you so” moment coming.
Spencer finally gets on Toby’s dick (guess I was wrong about that, too. Dammit). You go get him, girl.
Turns out Jenna’s warning was about Cousin, not Paige. I knew it was vague. That’s some twisty writing you got there, PLL.
Hanna’s crying made me cry. Bitch inconsolable.
Cousin is dead. Thank god. I lol’d.
Best line of the episode goes to Spencer:
Hanna: “Things just went from worse to worser.”
Spencer: “That’s not a word.”
She’s got her priorities straight. Grammar matters (doesn’t it, Glee Project?)
Oh, and Spencer makes a remark about Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, which the other girls are completely oblivious to. I got it Spence. We’re in this together (also with Hanna. Because she’s awesome and can’t dress herself).