Film Review: Battleship

Battleship Rihanna Taylor Kitsch cast

Sadly not.

Let’s look at our lead cast:

Taylor “you’ve already forgotten who I am” Kitsch.

Brooklyn “any blonde actress” Decker.


Dis gun be goooooood.

TL;DR Surprisingly exhilarating action sequences make up for a laughable plot and cast. It’s the fucking Battleship movie: just switch your brain off and watch the pretty lens flares. 4 out of 5 stars.

I’ve noticed how blase I’ve been about dishing 2 or 3 star scores out. Plus, I don’t think Battleship really needs me to be mean to it, so I’m giving it a 4 because it does what it sets out to do (retarded action scenes) very very well. So there.

The “plot” follows Taylor Kitsch as he and Brooklyn Decker try not to be the most boring lead couple ever. Also, aliens.

So there are a lot of smaller issues with this movie (which I will be getting on my rag about down below), but the biggest problem is the infinitely dull casting. The only 2 interesting members of the cast (Alexander Skarsgaard and Liam Neeson) are barely in it. Instead we have to watch Taylor Kitsch pretend he isn’t entirely forgettable. And I’m pretty sure Brooklyn Decker is as shocked as anyone that she’s still getting roles.

Rihanna steals the show with her massive WTF casting as the “tough, sexy, ethnic, female” character. If Hayden Christensen is wooden, then Rihanna is fucking petrified wood. And bitch, don’t take jobs away from Michelle Rodriguez. She needs the work.

But, you know, the CGI porn is frankly incredible. It was almost as close to an OMG moment as watching the first Transformers. There is a lot of it, and it’s fantastic. Seriously.

Why I hate this movie:

It’s a movie based on a board game that isn’t even close to being filmable. Who let this happen?

The sequence where they do the whole “fire blindly at co-ordinates” thing is a wonder to behold.

Everything that happens before they actually get to the aliens is awful. This includes Taylor breaking into a store to impress Brooklyn, and it somehow works

Also, they play soccer or something? It’s serious fucking business and Taylor threatens to kill people. This is supposed to be funny? I’m not sure.

Alexander gets hit with some nonsensical dialogue. After Taylor’s arrest, he gets all mad that Taylor was putting his job in jeopardy (Brooklyn is Alex’s boss’s daughter). Then 5 seconds later Alex tells Taylor that he’s going to be in the navy with him. Translation: “Hey Taylor, you’re a disaster and you almost cost me my job by talking to my boss’s daughter. Now come join the navy with me, which is a very sensible way to keep you away from both my boss and his daughter.” It doesn’t go well.

Taylor’s short haircut is sexier than his long one, but makes him somehow even more forgettable.

All of Brooklyn’s plot line sucks.

Taylor gets into a minor scuffle with token Asian, which is apparently enough to get him kicked out of the navy? Is that how it works? Harsh.

The aliens’ yo-yos wreck the shit out of the mainland naval base. However, they conveniently forgot to destroy the battleship that our heroes later use to save the day. I know it was decommissioned, but it took those old guys about 2 minutes to get it together. Hmm.

Oh, and at one point Taylor takes the helmet off an unconscious alien. The alien wakes up and grabs him, which telepathically transmits memories of what looks like some kind of nuclear holocaust of the alien planet. This is never brought up by anyone again. From their actions it seems like the aliens aren’t looking to kill everyone, just to get their mission done. Of course, they all get blown the fuck up. So I guess we’ll never know what they wanted.

Reasons to watch:

Every single action scene is gloriously overdone and dramatic and fantastic.

They really went balls-out with the CGI here, and I reckon that’s the way to go. If you’re gonna shit CGI all over an action movie, just fucking get it done.

Pretty much any scene out in the water is effective. The alien ships are shimmering messes of CGi fappage, and they’re perfect. So ridiculous, so amazing.

The explosions of the alien ships are fucking absurd as well. And they rock. ‘Murica.

The soccer game is funny. Not only does TayTay get kicked in the face, he also massively fails with his penalty shot. This makes me happy.

There’s a scene near the end where they use the anchor on the battleship to, like, drift (like when you drift in a car. Not like drifting on the water, because boats kinda do that anyway. You get it). It’s. Awesome. It looks super cool and it works and holy fuck I love that scene.

There’s a scene where they have to move a missile from one part of the ship to another. Someone says it’s really heavy and how are they going to do it. Cut to everyone awkwardly hauling it by hand. I’m not sure if it was intentional, but this is hilarious. Like a 3 Stooges sketch or something.

Best line of the movie goes to Taylor. At the end he asks Neeson’s permission to marry Brooklyn. Neeson says no. Taylor: ” But sir, I saved the world.” Neesons gonna Nees.

At the end the battleship is about to be destroyed by the remaining alien ship. Then an Australian fighter jet swoops in and fucks that shit up. Yeah! Straya, cunt!

Oh, and after the soccer match, Alexander kisses Taylor on the head. Me. Fucking. Gusta.


I was thinking of making this an It’s Not Shit review. But no, it is still pretty shit. But it excels so well at what it wants to do (be a stupid action movie) that it still deserves praise. But seriously, Taylor Kitsch, Brooklyn Decker and Rihanna? Wtf? 4 out of 5 stars.

Battleship Michael Bay CGI

Please, Michael. Don’t accept that challenge. Don’t make us sit through another 2 hours of Shia Lebouf.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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