It’s Not Shit: The Dark Knight Rises

The Dark Knight Rises Bane Sinead O'Connor

I can’t be the only one who was thinking that.

So I haven’t posted an It’s Not Shit for 2 weeks.

Laziness, or was saving up for this?

Laziness. Shut up.

TL;DR Yeah, it’s pretty much amazing. Personal gripe, though: it’s almost 3 hours long, so points off, bro. 4 out of 5 stars.

I don’t believe in retardedly long movies. And I will demerit them.

Now that’s out of the way, I don’t really have much else to say about The Dark Knight Rises. It’s a Nolan Batman movie, and it’s the final part of one of the most epic film trilogies ever. It is a beautiful, incredible, spectacular, impacting, emotional, sorrowful, uplifting, impressive sensory delight in every way.

You might notice that I gave The Avengers a 5 out of 5 star review. And I’ll tell you why.

The Avengers had much lower ambitions than The Dark Knight Rises. It was simply a big-ass action movie, and it completely delivered to the extreme. The Dark Knight Rises, as we’ve come to expect, tries to do that while simultaneously doing the “profound and meaningful” thing. This works mostly to great effect, but 3 movies in, and especially trying to back up against The Dark Knight, I think this one didn’t have as much to say.

But what it does is uniformly fantastic. The prize moment would have to be when Batman first turns up during that motorbike chase. Legit tingles.

Why I DON’T hate this movie:

The action is breathtaking. Imagine anything The Dark Knight did well, then add in about 2000 more extras and a flying bat tank, and you’d be about halfway to the absolute extremes The Dark Knight Rises gets to. Magnificent.

Casting is brilliant. All living characters return (even Dr Crane, in a delicious cameo), and the two new leading ladies are perfect for their roles. Who knew Anne Hathaway could beat up thugs like it ain’t no thang? Marion Cotillard is hot and French, and far from a damsel in distress. Joseph Gordon Levitt (another Inception alumnus, along with Cotillard) picks up a lot of screen time as a determined cop. He’s earnest and righteous, which is exactly what Gotham needs when everything falls to shit.

The scale of the Gotham crisis feels real and terrifying. Those aerial shots during the bombs’ detonation are heart-stopping. The montage showing the eviction of the upper class show how powerless money is against a gun barrel.

The extremity to which Bane goes, though, ensures that his plan comes off as anything but righteous. The reveal of Talia and her motive keeps things in perspective. Moral ambiguity has been a pillar of the trilogy, and it is brought to frightening reality here.

Basically, it’s big, loud and actually has a brain. A great action movie.

Reasons to hate:

Just like The Avengers, I had a problem with the villain: Bane. Not so much that I’d bring the film’s score down, but he wasn’t perfect.

First of all, that voice. It’s very distracting when every other sound and dialogue sounds diegetic (part of the world), then Bane pipes up and we hear an electronically altered voice boom crisply out of the speakers. It wasn’t as bad as Remake Freddy, but could Tom Hardy really not pull it off?

Also, Tom Hardy usually looks like this. I’m not loving this as much.

His (and Talia’s) motivation is also a bit slack. Leave Gotham alone, you jerks. Especially Talia. Is there a less genocidal way of getting revenge? Bitch. I suppose that’s why she’s such a good villain, huh?

And Catwoman was underused and underdeveloped. She vanishes during most of the second act, then gets to end up with Bruce? She kicked so much butt when she was on screen, I would have liked to have seen more.


But those are just quibbles compared to the brilliance of this movie. If it hadn’t been 2 hours and 45 fucking minutes long, it would have been an easy 5 from me. But, you know. It’s not shit. 4 out of 5 stars.

The Dark Knight Rises Catwoman Anne Hathaway

“I’m a villain in a Batman movie. Somebody get me a goddamn Oscar.”

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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