Review Duel: The Glee Project Season 2 Episode 4 vs Episode 5

The Glee Project Lily sexuality

“Oh, fuck. I mashed a keypad with my palm. We better start over.”

Geez, I haven’t done a Review Duel in yonks.

In fact the last one was for Glee. Actual Glee.

So what better way to gloss over the fact that I forgot to post a review (and by that I mean “didn’t watch it because I was too busy eating grated cheese out of the bag and guzzling boxed wine”) than to cram 2 together and hope for the best?

TL;DR Both episodes have a decent smattering of drama and retardation. But come on, did you ever think the Sexuality episode wouldn’t do it for me?

So let’s start with episode 4: Sexuality.

I was too excited when they said the theme was sexuality. And I thought vulnerability was embarrassing? My body was not ready.

The homework assignment, as always, is the perfect place for the contestants to horribly overact whatever emotion they’ve been told to switch their programming to. Aylin gets top marks here for being just awful. Even guest mentor Naya Rivera calls her out on it, so you know it’s bad. Lily also does a bit too much lezzing it up. They all just tried way too hard.

And I’ve figured out what the really defining aspect of this show is that makes it perfect for me: lightning pace. Everything is ridiculous, as you would expect, but it all gets fired at us so fast that nothing is even given the chance to be meaningful. Which is perfect. This is reality TV, not HBO.

Why I hate this episode:

Gaybraham dyes the red out of his hair. Now he’s boring.

ADHD Charlie wins the homework challenge. How? He is the ugliest contestant, and he’s an overconfident douchebag. This comes out during the video shoot when he tries to order the director around. It goes as well as you’d expect. Idiot.

Nellie does well on the video shoot. This displeases me.

When the bottom 3 are assigned their songs, Tyler is given Smile by Charlie Chaplin. He whinges that he’s never heard it before. Ummm, it was on Glee. And on the soundtrack. Bitch ain’t a true Gleek, son.

Aylin reminds us (again) that she’s Muslim. OMG, I, like, totes forgot. Thanks for the reminder, babes.

Michael (one of the 2 blandly attractive males) forgets his lyrics twice. And he still makes it through.

Reasons to watch:

Tyler is the one to go home though, so I was happy anyway.

Naya Rivera clearly doesn’t give anything close to a fuck about being guest mentor. I find this relatable.

She also calls Nellie out on being a boring sack of flaps, which is absolutely correct.

Nikki burns the shit out of Michael in the recording booth. She pretty much tells his to fuck off while shining that false smile she does so well. Nice.

As terrible as the homework performance is, there’s something beautiful in seeing these vapid little shits who clearly hate each other try to eye-fuck to choreography.

And there’s a quickie scene devoted to Nellie’s misunderstanding of what Kelis’s Milkshake song is about. The poor love thought it was about actual milkshakes. Silly girl. It’s about tits, right?

The Glee Project Ali Alanis adaptability

She’s either overblowing an Alanis Morissette song, or she’s the world’s angriest female comedian. Men, amirite?

So episode 5 is all about adaptability. Which in The Glee Project is code for “we’re going to throw a bunch of random shit at you and see what sticks.”

This works surprisingly well.

Although I mostly appreciate the interpersonal drama, it was refreshing to see the show actually focus on the competition and forcing the contestants to work harder.

But that’s probably the downfall of the episode: I missed the ridiculous crap that goes on between them. They were all working too hard to really find time to be fuckheads to each other. Sad face.

The biggest missed opportunity for hijinks was the video shoot. Here’s the set up: they have to pretend to be rich kids gradually throwing off the shackles of entitlement and partying with the povos. And it was all surprise choreography. They really could have torn into each other. The theme of the video was ripe for that. Plus, with the unrehearsed dancing I was waiting for at least Charlie to have a go at everyone for not working hard enough.

But no. They’re all professional and shit. Unimpressed.

Why I hate this episode:

Fucking ADHD Charlie was too busy method acting to care about anyone else. He even came up with a name for his rich douchebag persona. Oddly, it wasn’t Charlie.

Artie is the guest mentor this episode. Snooze. Get back to us once you’re a main character again.

Aylin won the homework challenge. Although considering it’s an Alanis Morissette song, not sure if she should be proud of that or not.

The last chance performances are done duet style this episode, with 2 people in 3 teams. Blake and Nellie are paired up, which means The Glee Project suffers from a near fatal dose of pure boredom. Ali and Gaybraham are teamed up, which is odd considering their downfalls this week were both being bad singers. So naturally they’re given Katy Perry’s Last Friday Night. Doesn’t go well. Mario and Charlie work well together, though.

Mario plays the blind card. Some spiel about how being blind means he adapts every day, which apparently means he’ll be able to shit all over the challenges this episode.

Reasons to watch:

He gets eliminated. Boom.

He is also extremely arrogant during the video shoot, even blaming poor direction as the reason he sucked. This made me happy because his levels of unwarranted self-importance have been outstripping everyone (even Aylin!). Utimate shut down by getting eliminated.

Once the 3 pairs had done their last chance duets, the judges selected Gaybraham, Mario and Charlie as the official bottom 3. They totally deserved to be there, and it’s good to see the mentors are making the right decisions.

Charlie and Aylin should just fuck already. But then they wouldn’t be creating pointless drama. I’m torn!

The video has an awkward message of giving in to peer pressure. I like when Glee (or in this case, Glee related media. Because I’m technical like that) completely fucks up the point.

And despite that, the video is actually pretty fun. The whole “phone zombie” thing that most of the rich kids go for was scarily relevant.


Sexuality steals it easily. Adaptibility just didn’t have the right amount of stupid crap to keep me interested. I don’t want to see these dicks being sensible and working hard. I want to see them clawing each others’ eyes out and taking a dump in each others’ beds. Stay classless, Glee Project.

The Glee Project Lily bitch

Kids these days.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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