It’s Not Shit: Treasure Buddies

Treasure Buddies crate explosives

“And nobody gets blown up.”

I’m starting to notice a running theme with my picks for It’s Not Shit.

Well, I do love genre movies. And family movies are about as streamlined as they get.

Also, golden retriever puppies.

TL;DR Holy shit, OMGWTFBBQ, there is too much cuteness to contain. One of them wears a fez for fuck’s sake. Plot is half-decent, too. PUPPIES!!! 3 out of 5 stars.

So yeah, there have been a lot of these. And I’ve seen them all, yo.

The basic rundown (for those not familiar with the series. And seriously, what’s wrong with you?) is that there are 5 super cute golden retriever puppies who are siblings and they go on wacky, straight-to-video adventures. The puppies, or “the buddies” as they are known, are:

Budderball: the glutton. He wears a red shirt.

B-Dawg: the gangsta. He wears a bling-tacular “B” necklace.

Mudbud: the dude. He’s always dirty.

Buddha: the zen one. He wears some beaded thing.

Rosebud: the girl. She wears a bow.

This time out, the buddies follow Mudbud’s owner and his grandfather to Egypt as they search for the lost treasure of Cleocatra. Puppy related antics ensue.

If you came for the puppies, you won’t be disappointed. The winning formula for these movies is 90% puppies, 5% excuse plot, and 5% affordable actors. And that’s exactly what they need to be.

If you’re in this for anything other than squee-ing your genitals off every 5 seconds, you can get the fuck out. This is Disney at its laziest. But you know, puppies.

Did I mention puppies? Puppies.

Why I DON’T hate this movie:

Puppies.

Here are my selected cute-mazing moments:

There’s a scene where sauce drips on Budderball’s head and he flinches and tries to lick it up simultaneously.

Budderball wears a fucking fez. And Rosebud gets one of those wrappy, head scarf things.

Mudbud conquers some quicksand by rolling across it. Omg.

Rosebud navigates a booby trapped floor by hopping on specific tiles. Omg.

And there’s a scene where they crash in the desert from a hot air balloon, and they all get covered in sand and it’s so cute and I almost “aww’d” myself to death.

The CGI in this instalment is actually half-decent, unlike the awful crap they pulled with Spooky Buddies.

The climax where the buddies have to outsmart some CGI cat statues is pretty boss. I mean, come on, they’re puppies. And they rock.

The camel character is surprisingly adorable.

Best line of the movie has to be when Budderball sees a mirage he believes to be food, then proceeds to feast on sand. One of the buddies contributes this amazing slice of sublime poetry: “Now that’s what I call a sandwich.” An ordinarily groan-worthy line, saved by puppies.

Oh, and to cap it off, two old men have a fencing duel at the end. Who doesn’t love a geriatric sword fight?

Reasons to hate:

The human characters are pretty lame.

The evil British guy with a cat is, shockingly, evil. And so is his cat.

The cat is probably the biggest let down. She’s a stupidly underdeveloped villain with no motive other than wanting cats to rule. She has no meaningful scenes and even as a villain is more of a minor inconvenience.

Cammy the camel has an excruciatingly grating voice actor. It’s way too high pitched and whiney. She grew on me (and she fucks off pretty quickly, too), but the first couple of scenes with her were almost unwatchable.

The buddies themselves are pretty weak characters, too. Every movie has been the same. They spew out a few personality-specific one-liners, but apart from that, have no individual character development. I know this is because the series is aimed at, like, seriously young children, but I’m a jerk, and I want emotion.

Oh, and every single movie the buddies manage to follow whichever kid is leaving Fernfield and have their adventure. You’d think the parents would have figured this out by now and would lock them up. To be fair, though, even the characters have stopped making a big deal out of it.

Verdict:

Puppies puppies puppies puppies. I can handle the inherent blandness of a straight-to-video Disney sequel if it means I can watch 90 minutes of puppies. Puppies. It’s not shit. 3 out of 5 stars.

Treasure Buddies Budderball sauce


(have died from cuteness overload)

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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