TV Review: Once Upon a Time Season 1 Episode 8

Once Upon a Time Emma bitch fire

“Could I get my job back on House? Fuck.”

Hmm, will this episode be able to follow up on the juicy-ass threads introduced last time?

Oh, Once Upon a Time. I should know better than that by now.

The answer is no, in case you were wondering.

TL;DR Is a small town sheriff’s election a thing? Rumplestiltskin’s fairy tale flashbacks keep things watchable.

Yeah, this episode focuses with excruciating detail on a fucking sheriff’s election. There are two major problems with this.

Firstly, who the fuck cares? Seriously. Who the fuck fucking cares about this? How does anybody in this little shithole give anything close to a fuck about who gets to be the next goddamn sheriff? I just…I…I can’t.

Secondly, why does Emma care? She didn’t even really want to be deputy. She only did it to advance her scheme of pointless, minor annoyance against Regina. Now poor Graham is dead, she suddenly wants to be in charge? Who came up with this? Fucking Henry could have thought of a better plot idea.

Oh, and thirdly (there’s a thirdly, now. Get used to it), this bizarre, petty clusterfuck completely overshadows the otherwise interesting and developed flashback plot involving Rumple. It shows how he came into possession of his terrible power, and Robert Carlyle (who is the only consistently decent thing about this show) gets to show off some acting range. Your move, Ginnifer. Just kidding. We know your character is a useless piece of shit.

Why I hate this episode:

A sheriff’s election? Really?

Regina and Emma have had their petty rivalry for a while now, but this episode takes it to retarded new lows. “Ah ha, loophole in town charter! Mwa ha ha!” That was Emma, by the way. Yeah.

Emma is a hypocritical dick-bag again. During her (amazing. Not) speech at the sheriff’s candidate debate (fucking really? Fuck), she says this gem when talking about how Gold set up the fire she saved Regina from: “I don’t have definitive evidence.” Hmm, that’s a good angle when you’re vying for the top law enforcement position. Jesus.

During the fire, Emma’s face clearly shows her considering leaving Regina to burn to death. That’s our hero.

There is some more god-awful green screen. This time it pops up when fairy tale Rumple is infiltrating a burning castle.

David returns. He only gets one scene, but he reminded me of exactly why I didn’t miss him last episode. Come on, guys. Regina totally murdered Graham last week. Can we bump off some more crappy characters? To be fair, that would only leave us with Regina and Gold, but I’m down with that.

Oh, and Emma somehow wins the sheriff’s election (I keep saying it, but it keeps making less sense).

Reasons to watch:

Regina and Gold actually make great enemies. Their tete-a-tete in Gold’s pawn shop would be the highlight of the episode. We know Regina is aware (at least to the extent of hearts in boxes) of her fairy tale past, and there have been hints Gold knows everything, so it’s fun watching them dance around each other. Gold/Rumple is easily the most exciting character (it’s not Regina because she keeps getting bogged down in stupid skirmishes with Emma).

Regina does get an atomic level of smugness to rub in Emma’s face at the end. I relish watching Regina relish. Relish.

Regina firing Emma made me happy.

Rumple’s entire plotline is decently interesting and actually contains some real emotion. Characters make decisions that matter, and although we already know Rumple turns evil as hell, we had no idea where he came from. Back story!

I appreciate how learning Rumple’s past doesn’t diminish his menace. His murderous rampage against the soldiers was pretty awesome.

Oh, and we find out Henry was born in jail, which is lulzworthy.

Once Upon a Time sheriff debate

Even Leslie Knope would find this unnecessary and tedious.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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