Film Review: This Means War

This Means War Pine Witherspoon video store

“I don’t know, Chris. I’ve been kinda Nicole Kidman-ing my career for the past 7 years. I wouldn’t trust it.”

More like This Means BORE.

Zing!

TL;DR Even Katherine Heigl would blush at how shallow and inconsequential this assembly line shit is. All 3 leads sleepwalk through this obvious pay check. 1 out of 5 stars.

First of all, I still can’t decide if Chris Pine is attractive. Sometime I’m like “mmm…” Then other times I’m like “eh?” Frustrating.

So basic plot here is that Chris Pine and Tom Hardy are CIA agents who both want to fuck Reese Witherspoon. Of course, because they’re so gentlemanly, they decide to both date her and let her decide who she wants (she doesn’t know they know each other). Oh wait, did I say they’d let her decide? I meant they’d use all their CIA bullshittery to trick her into liking them and sabotage each other. This includes bugging everything she does and says and a wonderfully hilarious scene where they both break into her house and stalk her. Comedy!

Yeah, this thing is a fucking travesty.

This Means War thinks that “romance” means completely brainwashing someone into thinking they love you. And it works. She totally ends up with one of them. And Reese isn’t off the hook here, either.

At one point Tom Hardy hires some actors to play his family so she’ll like him. Pine intercepts with a bunch of crass, slob actors. After Reese storms out, Hardy even tells her that he hired actors so she’d like him. And she is okay with this. ┬áSome shit about how she just wants to know the real him and she hand waves it away. The fuck, bitch?

Although, to be fair, this may have been intentional, as Reese goes on to be an absolute piece of shit in the climax. When the whole scheme finally comes undone and she finds out that Pine and Hardy know each other, she hits about a 12 billion on the fucktarded hypocrite scale.

Her little speech is along the lines of “You think this is a motherfucking game?” Then she storms off. However, the whole time she’s been dating the two, she openly states numerous times to her (very poorly cast) friend, Chelsea Handler, that she is totally playing a game and pitting them against each other. Hell, at one point she even completely agrees to a sex tie-breaker: ie. she will fuck both of them and stay with the one who fucks better. AND keep in mind that when she has her little hissy fit, she doesn’t even know about the CIA crap they’ve done to her. She’s the one playing the game. Slut.

On the plus side, the movie looked nice. I guess.

Why I hate this movie:

All 3 lead characters act like amoral, childish criminals. Yet we’re supposed to believe they’re all decent people. Hardy gets a 7 year old son as a morality pet, Pine gets to hone his “honest douche” thing he does, and Reese can fall back on her cute face. But they are all fucking dicks.

The movie, although not busting the 2 hour mark (thank god), takes 30 minutes to get to the Pine/Hardy bet scenario. Too long.

There is some absolutely atrocious CGI during the action on the unfinished freeway at the end.

Yeah, an unfinished freeway. What is this, the 90s? Is Sandra Bullock gonna suddenly be relevant again?

Chelsea Handler is bizarrely unnatural in front of a camera. Have you ever watched her show? Shudder. And she’s too old-looking for the part.

Hardy’s baby mama (ex-wife) is a fucking bitch. She also looks like a demonic cross between Courtney Cox and Megan Fox. It’s creepy.

Oh, and the sub-plot about some terrorist who wants to kill Pine and Hardy is pointless. It also doesn’t help that he is motivated by Pine’s murder of his little brother, who totally didn’t deserve it.

Reasons to watch:

Tom Hardy has a cute accent? Does that count?

Rebel Wilson turns up as “slovenly fat chick #320982704”. She’s really getting into those. But she is funny.

Best line of the movie goes to this exchange between Reese and Chelsea: Chelsea tells Reese she’s having sex while eating Cheetos. Reese’s response: “That’s kind of awesome.” Chelsea: “It is awesome.” It is awesome.

The scene where Reese pretends Pine is her boyfriend to annoy her ex is pretty funny.

Hardy kicks butt during the paintball scene.

And Reese gets a line about boob sweat. There ain’t no bad boob sweat jokes.

Verdict:

This is about as brainless as rom-coms get. If anyone had taken any time to think about how creepy the whole situation is, and what a douche-tastic hypocrite Reese turns out to be, it would have been shut down. I don’t care what happens to any of these people. 1 out of 5 stars.

This Means War Reese Witherspoon Chris Pine

Yeah, it was the time up until 5 seconds before you agreed to be in this.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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