TV Review: Once Upon a Time Season 1 Episode 7
Holy motherfucker, Henry is only in 1 fucking scene. Again! What miraculous things have I done to receive such reward?
And Good God, there’s finally some relevant plot development.
TL;DR Shit just got real. Regina totally knows what’s up, and she’s not letting go.
So I was wrong. Regina is completely aware of what is going on. And has a stash of hearts in a vault. Like the amazing bitch she is.
But this is still Once Upon a Time, which means we can count on Emma being an endless ball of fucktardery.
Last episode Emma stumbled upon Graham (the sheriff) leaving Regina’s house post-booty call. Instead of being the mature adult we’re supposed to believe she is, she instead had a shit-fit about how sleazy and inappropriate the realtionship was. Oh, and apparently she thinks it’s not okay for Regina to get some dick if Henry is in the house. What the fuck, bitch?
She stays on track this episode, but mixes it up with a bit of hypocrisy. You know, to keep it fresh. She again looks all the way down her nose at Graham. Then she says this: “We’re all adults. You can do whatever you want.” Really, Emma? Because it seems like you feel the exact opposite of that. Just let him get some pussy. FFS. It’s not like you’re going to put out.
She compounds this later when Regina confronts her about a kiss she and Graham share. And I quote: “The way I live my life is my business.” I’d say she was right, if she wasn’t using an obscene double standard. Regina can score with whoever she wants, too. And from what we see of Regina and Graham (they wear their underpants in bed after sex. Cute), they’re not breakin’ out the whips and chains or anything. Emma needs to step the fuck off.
So the plot of the episode focuses on Graham/The Huntsman (his fairy tale version). Queenie hires him to kill Snow White. He doesn’t. Obv. Disappointment ensues.
There is an absolutely breathtaking logic flaw with this plot. Queenie explicitly states she needs someone “heartless” to murder Snow. She then observes The Huntsman crying over a deer he killed and defending a cute-ass dog in a bar fight. Apparently, this is what passes for heartless in Queenie’s mind. Her plan, shockingly, doesn’t go well. She does then actually make The Huntsman literally heartless, so I suppose she was right eventually.
Why I hate this episode:
How can Queenie be that dumb? She wanted someone who would unflinchingly kill and mutilate the corpse of the most beloved woman in the land. Why the hell would she hire a guy who cries over animals he himself kills? Seriously, Graham/The Huntsman has to have at least 5 separate scenes in this episode where he cries. Fucking stupid.
Getting sick of Emma being a ridiculous sack of flaps. Fucking Regina is a more sympathetic character than her.
There is some pathetic CGI deer bullshit. And almost every fairy tale scene takes place in the worst green screen castle ever.
Mary uses the “you put up a wall” analogy when talking about Emma’s emotional insecurity. She even breaks out the classic “it keeps pain out, but it also keeps love out”. I had to shove a 12-inch dildo down my throat just to keep the chunks at bay.
And everyone keeps being an absolute dick to Regina. Emma and Graham pretty much blame her for everything wrong in their lives when she confronts them in the cemetery. I know the closing minutes show that Regina is totally a crazy, evil bitch. But up until this point, we were supposed to be seeing Storybrooke as the real world, and no working mother deserves to be shouted down like that when she hasn’t done anything outwardly wrong.
Reasons to watch:
Regina motherfucking murders Graham. It’s awesome.
She also gets a pretty great Falcon Punch in on Emma. It’s awesome. Regina is the best.
Queenie hints at Snow White having blabbed a secret about her and that’s why she hates her. Intrigue!
Graham consults Henry (ugh) for advice following some regained memories. He mentions kissing Emma and Henry is totally grossed out that he “kissed [his] mum.” I’m not sure if the writers intended for the implied follow-up gag to be “and he fucked your other mum”, but I lol’d.
When Queenie takes out The Huntsman’s heart, she orders the guards to take him to her bedchambers. See, female villains can rape, too.
The wolf is pretty cute.
And with Regina getting her homicide on, let’s hope that things pick up the pace from here on out.