TV Review: Pretty Little Liars Season 3 Episode 4

Pretty Little Liars Maya cousin

Russell Thorpe, Luka. It all makes sense!

The Black Swan is finally revealed!

It’s Melissa. Omg, I’m, like, soooooooo surprised.

I’m not.

TL;DR This episode probably tips the scales towards arbitrary drama more than gasp-inducing secrets, but PLL keeps the intrigue comin’. Bitch be reliable as hell.

First of all, I’d like to congratulate Hanna on not wearing an outfit that is completely shit. That’s her first episode this season. Snaps for Hanna, everyone. She still slathers that eyeliner on, though, so bitch ain’t outta the woods yet.

So, plot threads this week. Go!

Spencer confronts Melissa about her baby and the black swan. Revelations ensue.

Aria tries to set her mum up on a date. Boredom ensues.

Hanna breaks up with Caleb. Manly tears ensue.

Emily meets Maya’s cousin who is totally not suspicious I swear. Suspicion ensues.

There’s too much non-mystery related drama this week. Aria’s entire plotline for the episode revolves around her trying to get Ella a date via some online dating website. She’s doing it so Ella doesn’t feel bad about Byron fucking Meredith again. That’s it. Aria does nothing else of value for the entire episode. But I hate Aria anyway, so I’m not too fussed.

Emily does some more incessant moping about Maya when the mysterious cousin shows up. Although this is PLL and twists abound, I’m gonna go on record now and say that he isn’t involved with A or Alison’s murder. Which means I don’t care about him. He suspiciously promises to post a letter for Emily (it’s a thank you note to Maya’s parents. That’s code for “plot irrelevant. DNC”) which you can just tell isn’t going to make it to its destination. But he’s so hilariously unnecessary, I just couldn’t wait for him to be gone. Come on, Emily. You used to be interesting.

Hanna finding out she can’t see Mona anymore is interesting (especially considering the stinger at the end which shows A altering Mona’s visitation privileges) and it looks like the writers might be setting up a Hanna/Wren entanglement. That boy gets around. Caleb also breaks up with her because she is (rightfully) a secret-keeping bitch. She cries. He cries. Nothing of value was lost.

Spencer is the only one who doesn’t get hit by the soap opera slap. She confronts Melissa about the black swan costume and the baby. Turns out Melissa had been faking pregnancy for a looong time. And A forced her to be the black swan. But remember, this is coming from Melissa’s mouth, which means about 130% of it is probably fucking lies. Oh, and Mrs Hastings reveals she took Garrett’s case because she wanted to draw suspicion away from Melissa. So at least we have an answer for that one.

I think what’s missing from PLL these days is the one thing Gossip Girl has managed to keep even through its horrifying decay: parties. The best PLL (and GG) episodes occur at parties. We need a party.

Why I hate this episode:

I was fucking right about Melissa being the black swan, so the revelation, though satisfying, wasn’t surprising at all. Anti-climax.

Spencer’s mum’s haircut got worse.

There seems to be hints that Emily will become interested in Maya’s cousin. Why does every lesbian have to be downgraded into a bisexual, indecisive slut? Just let Emily be full gay. I will be seriously angry if she hooks up with him.

Caleb, though right about Hanna being secretive, needs to keep the fuck out of her business. Hanna is a fucking boss and knows what she’s doing. I’m glad he’s gone.

Or she could have told him and been okay. But the writers wouldn’t let her.

Jason reappears to be ambiguous and boring. We find out he’s giving the $50,000 reward for info on Ali’s remains to someone, so there is minor intrigue. But if he and Spencer just talked to each other, I bet they could figure out a lot more shit. Gosh.

Reasons to watch:

The black swan is revealed. So that’s tied up.

Douche cop (the one that Ashley was fucking for Hanna’s protection) is back. He’s an amoral jerk in a position of power. Thus, my idol.

I’m pretty down with the Hanna/Wren pairing. They’re both hot and cool. Why not?

Hanna gets the best line of the episode: when getting off the phone with Spencer mid-scheme, Hanna: “Roger that.” Aria: “Roger that?” Hanna: “What? We’re on a mission.” God, I love her.

A forces the Caleb breakup by running Caleb’s mother off the road. A is getting pretty fucking badass.

And Hanna doesn’t wear any objectionable outfits this episode. However…

Pretty Little Liars Season 3 Hanna break up

I think the makeup team is slowly transforming her into Taylor Momsen.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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