TV Review: Once Upon a Time Season 1 Episode 6

Once Upon a Time Rumplestiltskin

You did NOT just ask me to bring yo’ son back to life. Uh uuuuuh!

Henry’s only in 1 fucking scene! I haven’t felt joy like this since Gilmore Girls got cancelled.

TL;DR Things are still snoringly, boringly dull in Storybrooke. The absence of Henry and a few forward-moving plot points keep this a useful watch to stay with the continuity.

So we’re following Prince Charming/John Doe/David (his real present time name) this episode. Boooooring.

We already saw his little skip through the enchanted forest with Snow White, like, 3 episodes ago. I think the writers have realised that present day Storybrooke is boring as fuck, so they’re trying to add intrigue with the flashbacks. I don’t care. Get Emma to stop dicking around and get to work. Isn’t she supposed to be doing something to save these people?

The basic plot follows Prince Charming, who so happens to be the pauper twin of an actual prince. He gets roped into a scheme to slay a dragon for King Midas, then has the poor luck of getting engaged to Midas’ daughter Abigail (present day Kathryn). The Storybrooke plot revolves around David trying to decide if he should stay with Kathryn or choose Mary.

The main problem with this episode is that nothing is at stake (a feature of Prince Charming heavy episodes). We already know that Charming and Snow White get themselves together. And we already know that they have a baby and couldn’t be more in love. Why should I care that he had to do some bullshit twin shenanigan stuff and slide past a bitch-ass arranged marriage to get there? At least give me something that affects the other characters.

The Storybrooke plot is also absolutely obscene. I understand that David is apprehensive about staying with Kathryn, especially considering he barely remembers her. But it makes no sense at all why he would put everything on the line to be with Mary. He knows nothing about her either. Hell, all he knows about her is that she stalked him while he was comatose for a long time, then found him unconscious in a forest (which, to be fair, was mostly Emma’s work). That’s it. Why is he spewing confessions of everlasting love for her?

Mary is also to blame here. Why is she so hopelessly in love with this person who she knows nothing about except how loud he snores. I know I know, their fairy tale lives are hiding in there somewhere and that’s how they know they belong together, but apart from that, nothing about their union makes sense. Certainly not enough sense to ruin Kathryn’s life over. Step off, bitch.

Emma does absolutely nothing this episode. Isn’t she the main character?

And Regina continues to not seem to have any job apart from being a minor inconvenience to Emma and Mary.

Why I hate this episode:

Charming is dull, and his back story isn’t necessary. Isn’t that why in fairy tales they just call him Prince Charming? That’s not even a name. That’s a character description. And it’s sufficient.

He faces a dilemma when the king (Alan Dale. Post-The OC life hasn’t been kind, has it, Alan?) forces him to engage Abigail. He has a cry about how he can never see his mother again (oh, FYI, he was born a twin but his father made a deal with Rumplestiltskin and the other baby became the prince) and she’s all “this isn’t fair. Run away. Choose me and a life of freedom.” Bitch, if you and your husband hadn’t traded one of your babies to fucking Rumplestiltskin in the first place, none of this would have happened. Shut the fuck up.

When facing the dragon, Charming (remember, he’s a stand-in for the real, dead prince twin who was a rad dragon slayer), who has no combat training, is told to hang back. Of course, the other soldiers get toasted, so it’s up to our main character to save the day with the sword of plot contrivance. He literally decapitates the dragon in one swing with a golden sword. Bullshit.

Also, why didn’t King Midas go kill the dragon himself? All he would have had to do was tap it with his pinky and the whole thing would have turned to gold. FFS.

I can’t get over the lengths David and Mary are willing to go to when they literally just met each other.

Abigail and Kathryn are completely different to each other. Abigail is a grade A bitch. Kathryn seems nice enough. They’re supposed to be the same character. Wut? I’m hoping this will be addressed in the future.

Oh, and near the end of the episode, Emma discovers the Sheriff leaving Regina’s house after their booty call. And she is a massive douche about it. It’s none of her business if they’re fucking. Let ’em. And she even has a dig about Henry being in the house. You know who has sex with a kid in the house, Emma? Every couple with kids EVER. Get off your fucking high horse. Again, she seems to be forgetting that she gave Henry up in a closed adoption (I think I need to stop bringing this up. Clearly nobody in Storybrooke cares).

Reasons to watch:

Robert Carlyle gets to have some great fun mintzing around as Rumple, who is totally fabulous. He’s definitely the best thing about Once Upon a Time.

Despite all the “I love you forever even though we don’t know anything about each other” stuff with David and Mary, David actually does choose Kathryn at the end. Finally, someone in Storybrooke is doing the sensible thing. And Mary has a big cry, which made me happy.

Regina slams David with the truth about his situation, which helps make his mind up about staying with Kathryn. I know Regina is a selfish bitch, but she’s totally right. I don’t care if the show uses this to make her look villainous, I prefer to see her as speaking out against an insane world.

And motherfucking Henry is only in 1 scene, and it’s right at the start. That’s about as close to a Henry-free episode as we’ve gotten so far. Keep it up. For the love of God, keep it up.

Once Upon a Time Henry

No! No, get out of here. Shoo. SHOO!

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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