TV Review: Once Upon a Time Season 1 Episode 5

Once Upon a Time Henry trapped mine

Would it be cool if we just let him die? Please?

This week’s episode focuses on… Jiminy Cricket!

Are you fucking kidding me?

TL;DR Even with a mine collapse, Once Upon a Time manages to be dull. A few choice moments keep this from being unbearable.

I was skeptical about an episode focusing on Jiminy Cricket/Dr. Hopper. I mean, he’s a cricket. Super exciting.

The fact that Dr. Hopper (Jiminy’s present day counterpart) is so horrifyingly inconsequential doesn’t help. Are we supposed to care about Henry’s fucking therapist? Isn’t he just supposed to be a minor inconvenience thrown by Regina occasionally? He doesn’t deserve his own spotlight episode.

His fairy tale story is something like this: he works as a hustler with his crooked parents. He does pickpocketing while they perform puppet shows, and they later upgrade to full-on grifting/snake oil salesmen. His parents are surprisingly hilarious. They’re both pragmatic and sociopathic, which is a perfect combination for me. The little morality tale thing that goes on is a bit heavy handed (don’t be mean to people, kids, or you’ll be responsible for turning random innocents into truly horrifying wooden dolls), but is cohesive and has a point.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said the present day plotlines. And these are where this episode really suffers.

A random mine collapse happens, and plot contrivances see Henry (fucking little dumbass) venturing into it to prove a point. I’m not quite sure what that point is. The only reason he goes in is because his mother tells him not to, and he has shit fit at Dr. Hopper. I think it’s pure coincidence he actually finds a clue down there (a shard of glass which might lead to something bigger).

And there is absolutely no tension in the whole “Henry and Hopper trapped in a mine” scenario. They go in, get stuck, then wait patiently for rescue, which comes very quickly and with absolutely no effort on their part. The whole thing is only there so Hopper and Henry can have a heart to heart, which between Hopper and Henry, is pathetically shallow. Then Emma (who can apparently do everything) saves them just in time.

The sub plot involves Mary and John Doe having special time together. This is crap for two reasons. Firstly, it’s boring as fuck and a total distraction from the by-comparison-more-exciting main plot. Secondly, why the hell is Mary just chillin’ around the hospital when every other main character (even Ruby, who inexplicably drives the truck to lift the grate off the elevator shaft) is out at the mine shaft? Cold hearted bitch.

Why I hate this episode:

Mary and John’s relationship is also really weird. I’ve said it before, but she is a complete creepy stalker. She doesn’t even know him. She watched him in a coma for ages, and even though she knows he has a fiancee, she still pursues him. Step the fuck off, bitch. You are a stalker. It’s gross.

Yet another character (Jiminy this time) makes an obviously terrible bargain with Rumplestiltskin. FFS.

My old complaint about Emma’s relationship with Henry comes up again. Has everybody forgotten that she gave him up in a closed adoption? There are two absolutely infuriating instances in this episodes that makes me believe nobody cares at all about it. The first one is when Regina and Emma are deciding who should rescue Henry. Regina (rightfully) is all like “I’m his mother”, then Emma is like “I am too”, and we’re supposed to care? You are not his mother. Just because he slid out of your vagina doesn’t give you the right. In fact, you actively gave up those rights when you did that closed adoption. Bitch.

Secondly, and even more retardedly, is the ending. Hopper has apparently found some balls after his super life-changing chat with Henry. He informs Regina that he will continue treating Henry as he sees fit. Regina tells him to fuck off (because she’s a sensible fucker), and he says that she can’t touch him because his testimony in the (what he believes to be inevitable) upcoming custody hearing will decide who gets Henry. What the flying fuck? Closed adoption? Anyone? I feel like I’m on crazy pills, here.

Oh, and I noticed it last episode, but I forgot to mention it then. In the recap narration at the beginning of the episode (starting last epsiode), the narrator says that Regina “knows the truth”, referring to her knowing about the fairy tale characters being trapped in Storybrooke. Uuuummmm, no she doesn’t. There has been no indictation of this.

And why is everyone so mean to Regina? Is it an instinctive thing? I’m beginning to feel she’s the only sane one in town.

Reasons to watch:

Emma and Regina make a pretty sexy, badass team when they work together.

Jiminy’s parents are seriously hilarious. The casual way they just grift the shit out of everyone makes me happy.

You know what also makes me happy? Seeing Henry upset. He cries this episode, and I couldn’t have been more excited. Reason enough alone to watch this episode.

Regina’s pretty hilarious. The way she rebuffs (well, at least tries to) Hopper after he gets out of the mine is gorgeous. And the way she tells Emma that nothing has changed is so on character. At least I can count on her.

Once Upon a Time Regina bitch

If you know what I mean. I mean she needs to get the fuck out. Bitch.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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