It’s Not Shit: Sorority Row

Sorority Row Audrina

At least she’s still getting work post-The Hills, eh Speidi?

So I’ve mentioned my fondness for Sorority Row before, and seeing as it’s a rainy day, I’ll watch that fucker again and tell you why It’s Not Shit.

Boom.

TL;DR This is genre done right. Hot bitches, mean bitches, stabbed-the-fuck-up bitches. It’s got everything. 5 out of 5 stars.

Two fucking 5 out of fucking 5 star fucking reviews in 1 fucking day, you mad-ass fucking pile of fuck!” Is what you’d say.

“Watch your fucking mouth, you profane cunt!” Is what I’d say. But this is just text, so I didn’t really “say” it. Loophole.

So this is a remake of some 80s horror movie? CBF tracking that shit down. Plus from that synopsis, this is pretty different.

So the first thing that happens in this movie is the Summit logo shows up to make us remember why we hate Twilight. This has bothered me before. Don’t fuck off just yet. It’s a trap. This is actually a movie, not necrophilia trying to legitimise itself.

Anyway, basic plot involves the house sisters of Theta Pi playing a prank on Audrina Patrdige’s (yes, fucking The Hills’ Audrina fucking Patridge. Sigh) boyfriend. They pretend Audrina (character’s name is Megan) is dead, then convince him to help them dispose of the body. Contrivances cause him to stab her in the chest with a blunt-as-fuck tire iron (something to do with her lungs being filled with air, which would make the body float? Doesn’t matter). Oops, she’s really dead. Convenient they were already at a pretty good dumping site, right? Totes.

8 months later and somebody knows their secret and the slashings begin.

So there is one thing that really holds this shit together and makes it as memorable and enjoyable as it is.

Fucking. Jessica.

While Briana Evigan does a good job with her “down-to-earth, streetwise but hot as fuck” thing as main girl Cassidy, Leah Pipes gets pretty much equal screen time, but many more amazing moments, as the unrivaled bitch queen of cinema: Fucking Jessica.

Forget that Mean Girls, “snarky asides that are really brutal” shit. Fucking Jessica straight-up tells anyone exactly what she thinks of them. Her first scene has her telling Jamie Chung’s token Asian that she only likes her because she is a token Asian, and the only reason she lets Stan-from-American-Dad-chin Ellie (Rumer Willis, if you hadn’t already guessed from the chin joke) hang around is so she can offload her homework on her. Fucking Jessica doesn’t waste a single second of dialogue on anything other than being a complete monster.

But it’s this unbridled honesty that makes her the most endearing character of the movie. Cassidy is a kick-ass girl, too, but she ain’t no Fucking Jessica.

This is a movie that isn’t afraid to fucking swear either, bitch. I appreciate that.

Everything here looks high budget and glossy, which is how I like my slashers. I like that studio look (like in Scream). Not as keen on the gritty, budget look. If the movie’s shit, at least with the high production value it still looks good. But if it’s low budget looking and low budget quality, then it’s double low budget, and nobody likes poor people.

This thing is fast paced as hell. Even the opening (the prank and Megan’s death) takes 20 minutes, but never felt that long. This is thanks not only to the fucking awesome looking party the girls have going on (which looks fucking awesome), but the speed of the dialogue (mainly Fucking Jessica) and the faith the movie has in its audience just accepting its premise. I hate it when a movie tries too hard to get us to believe what’s happening. A few bitch shout-downs, throwaway lines about fake roofies and a tire iron to the ribs is all you need.

Unfortunately, there are a few genre-expected pitfalls.

Maggie, Megan’s sister, shows up to be a red herring. She pretty much just flits around being a ridiculous slut-bitch to everyone for no reason. Well, these girls killed her sister, but she doesn’t know that. Ironically, when she finds out what happened, she actually works together with them. Sure, it’s to save her life, but still, inconsistent.

There’s the odd dumbass decision. Claire (Jamie Chung) takes the prize for this one. The group returns to the Theta Pi house (now abandoned, following another totally awesome looking party), fully expecting to be stalked by the killer. Claire sees this as the perfect time to wander into a backyard full of bubbles to turn the jacuzzi off. Goes about as well as you’d expect.

But they come with the territory.

Why I DON’T hate this movie:

Fucking. Jessica.

The violence here is brutal, but manages to stay on the edge between cartoon, CGI crap (a la Final Destination), and forced, overly “realistic” crap (a la Rob Zombie’s Halloween movies). Chugs’s death (yes, there’s a character called Chugs. She lives up to her name) is a good example. While horrifyingly brutal (bottles slammed into her throat, then her throat gouged open), it plays it subtly. This is a slasher, not a torture porn.

Seriously, somebody invite me to a party like the ones they have. Seriously.

Carrie Fisher makes another awesome slasher cameo (she was in Scream 3). That fact that her character is totally badass helps.

The Megan prank, although traumatisingly mean, is pretty funny. And the instant escalation, and the reactions to it, are slasher gold.

Also, Fucking Jessica.

Reasons to hate:

Who cast Rumer Willis for this? Every other actress is a hot-ass bitch, perfect for shallow slasher movie skanks. Rumer should go fill her time with some moody, self-harming melodramatic crap. Or better yet, just not act.

Her character Ellie is also a fucking annoying piece of shit. All she does is scream and complain, without actually doing anything. When Cassidy and Jessica spend most of their time properly coming up with and carrying out action, having Ellie whingeing in the background doesn’t make anyone happy.

Claire is a fucking idiot with that jacuzzi. God.

A bit of CGI bullshit sneaks in during the final confrontation with the killer. It’s CGI fire, which wasn’t that distracting, but you could tell. Disappointing.

And why the hell is the killer’s weapon a tire iron? Lame. But Fucking Jessica does get to call it “pimped out”, so I gues it’s worth it just for that line.

Verdict:

If you want a modern slasher with decent deaths, decent tension, decent acting and some amazing one-liners, it doesn’t get much better than this. The best quote of the movie has to be when Fucking Jessica (duh) sees Megan’s decomposed corpse in the shower, and her immediate, uncensored response, delivered with complete nonchalance, is “Oh, she looks terrible.” Exquisite. It’s Not Shit. 5 out of 5 stars.

Sorority Row Jessica Leah Pipes Axe

Fucking. Jessica.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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